


shelter order

by deniigiq



Category: Captain America (Movies), Daredevil (Comics), Daredevil (TV), Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Coronavirus, Gen, Group chat, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Optimism, Providing a public service through stupidity and community in a time of fuckin crisis y'all, Self-Isolation, Texting, let me distract myself pls
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:47:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 45,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23278078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deniigiq/pseuds/deniigiq
Summary: Little Spidey (Pink):Hello Twitter. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Spiderman has decided that we should share with you all our private chat. We will be doing so on the condition that y’all remain cool about it. You gonna be cool?(Peter decides to raise spirits of those in isolation by sharing parts of the Team Red chat online day by day.)
Relationships: Matt Murdock & Peter Parker & Wade Wilson, Matt Murdock/Franklin "Foggy" Nelson, Peter Parker & the copy cats, Samuel Chung & Matt Murdock
Comments: 485
Kudos: 1106





	1. bare your souls

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Inimitable](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14906117) by [deniigiq](https://archiveofourown.org/users/deniigiq/pseuds/deniigiq). 



> Listen. Inimitable isn't running on the same timeline as us, necessarily. But I don't care. Forget timelines for now, we all need some fucking cheer in this house. 
> 
> Don't consider this part of the larger series. Just take it for what it is please--which is a manifestation of my anxiety and my attempt to alleviate that for myself and others. 
> 
> Stay safe y'all. Peace and support to New York. And wash your fucking hands and stay the fuck inside please.

**SM:** Hello friends family and child. The world is shit rn. I have a slightly dumb idea to help bring the watery shits up to something more like a real turd

 **S2:** I’m

 **S3:** kinda graphic spidey

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : no let him speak. This is my language. I’ll translate if necessary

 **S4:** What is the idea?

 **SM:** I’m glad you asked Bitsy child, darling of mine. Favored copy of all the copies

 **S2:** I’m not your copy shithead

 **S4:** Praise scares me

 **S3:** Go on then

 **SM:** Thank you. Wait. Where’s Dave? DAVID WE NEED YOU

 **S2:** DAVID

 **S3:** DAVE

 **S4:** DAVE

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : We need no one. We need only God

 **D2:** yes?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I said GOD, David

 **S2:** I’m already here wade

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : oh right, my bad

 **SM:** Focus please. The world is shit. Everyone is stuck inside. We all know someone who’s got the virus. Spiderman needs to do something, but Spiderman is presently stuck inside with everyone else. So. I had an idea.

 **S4:** which is?

 **S2:** bad

 **SM:** yes, obviously. BUT. I’m just sayin. BT did an AMA the other week.

 **S3:** He did a what??

 **S2:** no shit??

 **S4:** I know I watched it! He even dragged Red into it and the whole internet is sad that he’s married now.

 **SM:** ikr??

 **S2:** ugh. Why tho???

 **S3:** everyone wants to fuck Red, girl. That’s just how it is.

 **S2:** I KNOW. But like. Why.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : that ass

 **SM:** thank you wade.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : np

 **SM:** are you done?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : ye

 **SM:** great.

 **SM:** the point is, guys, that we are a bunch of wily fuckers climbing the walls rn. BT is chatting with people online to help distract them from the virus. I think we should join him. But like, maybe instead of talking to them we just publish our chat?

 **S2:** ooooooooooh

 **S3:** so the whole world will know that none of us knows how many ‘c’s and ‘m’s are in ‘recommend’ without spellcheck?

 **SM:** exactly that. Yes.

 **SM:** I mean. We are all objectively hilarious.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : correct

 **S2:** we could also just film Wade. Wade is hilarious on his own

 **DD:** no

 **S4:** eyyyyyy

 **S2:** EYYYY

 **S3:** ayy

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : redthew you have joined us finally

 **D2:** hello!

 **SM:** hey DD. We’re going to publish the chat online for folks to see. Do you think you can text to speech for a while?

 **DD:** Excuse me? Ableist.

 **SM:** Um?

 **S2:** how??

 **DD:** You want me to write out long shit? Just so that people online can see?

 **DD:** ableist

 **SM:** oh shit. Sorry.

 **S4:** we can transcribe your messages? And just play like you’re an old guy who’s bad at tech.

 **SM:** absolutely. Or I can just transcribe them and shop them in. No one will know any different before they go up.

 **BT:** HELLO

 **S2:** EYYYY

 **S4:** eyyyyyyyy

 **S3:** hey Sam

 **SM:** hey. no names. If we’re going to do this, no one can use names. Only nicknames from here on out, yeah?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : not a problem

 **D2:** so no Dave?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Whoops. Okay difficult.

 **SM:** Wade. Dave IS his nickname. No, Dave, you’re still Dave. Sorry bud

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : wat

 **D2:** we’ve been over this so many times

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : what what what

 **S2:** oh shit I forgot too. Okay, Dave still gets to be Dave then.

 **SM:** Yes

 **BT:** Y’all are stealing my ideas. This is copyright infringement. I’m leaving.

 **SM:** NO COME BACK I’M SORRY

 **BT:** Are you?

 **SM:** yes

 **BT:** okay fine I forgive you

 **DD:** we need to work on grudges next. I am adding it to the list

 **S3:** lol

 **S4:** how do you train someone to hold a grudge?

 **BT:** grudges aren’t healthy Boss.

 **DD:** says who

 **BT:** your therapist on the phone the other day.

 **SM:**!!!

 **S2:** asdfjas;dkfj

 **DD:** she doesn’t own me

 **BT:** idk about that.

 **DD:** I could leave her right now and be fine

 **BT:** She said you have abandonment issues too

 **DD:** I’m done.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : it’s okay Redthew I will never leave you. You’ll always have me.

 **DD:** oh trust me

 **DD:** I know

 **DD:** it haunts me daily

 **SM:** ANYWAYS. Back on track.

 **SM:** Only nicknames. We’ll post them to an affiliated twitter. Little Spidey and Bitsy, this is your domain, do you think you can tell folks what we’re planning?

 **S4:** yeah

 **S2:** can do

 **SM:** tell folks we’re only gonna do it if they behave. This is normally secret-secret stuff.

 **S3:** spelling ‘recommend’ is secret-secret stuff?

 **SM:** We’re about to tell the public how fucking stupid we are, S3. Yeah. It WAS a secret.

 **S2:** the public has known how dumb we are for ages, spidey. But okay. It could be fun, I suppose.

 **BT:** geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet ready to BLOCK

 **S4:** the twitter master has spoken

 **S2:** hail the twitter master

 **S3:** hail

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : hail

 **D2:** what?

 **DD:** I have no idea. Just go with it.

 **SM:** hail.

 **SM:** We will be ready to block rowdy folks, BT. Thank you for the wisdom.

 **BT:** no problem. Let me know if y’all need anything. Me and teach are gonna make food now. By which I mean that me and teach are going to go over how to be patient and not overknead dough again.

 **DD:** I have been inside for days. Who else am I supposed to fight?

 **BT:** after a couple of days, y’all should do an AMA for people. That’ll be fun. A shitshow. But fun.

 **SM:** 👍

 **BT:** byeeeee

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : So you’ll do the editing Spiderkid?

 **SM:** woah. ANCIENT nickname. Fuck.

 **SM:** yeah, I’ll do it.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I could go with ‘sport?’ Champ? Slugger? Baby boy?

 **S2:** Baby boy

 **S3:** ^

 **S4:** ^^^^

 **SM:** I am no longer baby.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : you’ll always be my baby 💋

 **SM:** you’re making it weird wade. Don’t make it weird. We’ve talked about this.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : 💋💋💕❤✌

 **D2:** lol

 **S2:** I’m uncomfortable

 **S4:** ^

 **S3:** ^^^

 **S4:** wait. Wade gets to stay Wade?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : everyone knows who I am boo. But y’all can call me DP if you want

 **S4:** ah

 **S4:** are we going to discuss anything of worth? Or is it gonna be all lamenting bubble tea and spelling again?

 **SM:** business as usual

 **S3:** so long dignity

 **S2:** We never had any to start with.

 **S3:** true but still hurtful

 **S2:** alright Spidey me and Bitsy will set it up. Give us the green light when we’re gonna start.

 **SM:** thank you

 **SM:** and stay safe.

 **S2:** copy that

 **S3:** we will

 **S4:** yep yep

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : will do

 **D2:** ^

**Little Spidey (Pink)** : Hello Twitter. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Spiderman has decided that we should share with you all our private chat. We will be doing so on the condition that y’all remain cool about it. You gonna be cool?

 **Spiderman 4.0** : As Pink has said on her account, Spiderman (the big guy) wants to entertain you all with how absolutely, knock-out dumb your fave dream team is. But we can only do that if everyone stays cool about it, alright? Can I get a promise?

 **Blindspot** : Hello friends. My buddy Spidey back in NYC is in the thick of the virus, but trying to spread some cheer. He and his team have a group chat that is WILD. He’s willing to let y’all in on it, but you can’t let things get weird. Situation is scary. He’s trying to hero here, but he needs your help.

**S2:** hey spidey

 **SM:** hay is for horses

 **SM:** lol

 **S2:** you’re turning into DD.

 **SM:** TAKE IT BACK

 **S2:** no. Twitter says they’ll behave. Folks are really excited. They’re down to go ahead.

 **SM:** oh nice. Well. Shall we get started then? What is our business of this blessed day?

 **S3:** oh are we live?

 **SM:** god no. Can you imagine?

 **S4:** scary

 **SM:** we would expose everyone to wade

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyes?

 **S4:** you did that spidey. You brought him here.

 **S3:** nothing wade, everything’s cool.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : friends I have done all the laundry in my house.

 **SM:** congrats?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : where did I get all these socks. Why do they have so many holes. Who killed JFK.

 **SM:** I told you not to watch that shit

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Netflix is my only comfort in this cold hard world BB boy

 **SM:** I TOLD you not to make it weird

 **S2:** it’s so weird wade, please stop

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : baby boy??? You don’t like to be recognized for what you are??

 **SM:** I am not a baby. We already discussed this. I’m not discussing it again.

 **D2:** you’re kind of a baby.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : AHA. An ally. Speak, David. Tell us your thoughts and ideas.

 **D2:** no thanks

 **DD:** You’re like twelve, kid. Accept it.

 **SM:** We have Bitsy and you two continue to treat me like this. In what world is this acceptable?

 **S4:** I am baby.

 **S2:** fact

 **S3:** correct

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : no. You are fetus. You are a twinkle in someone’s eye. Spiderchild is baby boy. Why was this okay ten years ago but not now?? What have I done to you to deserve such hatred and rejection?

 **DD:** I have. A list.

 **SM:** read him the riot act, Red

 **DD:** kay

 **DD:** Broken arm at 16

 **SM:** yes

 **DD:** Choked that one time with the suitcase

 **SM:** fucking YES. Yes, go on.

 **DD:** sheer drop off empire state five years back. Mandatory hug upon arrival from airport.

 **DD:** lies about fatherhood for two years.

 **DD:** enforced affection at twenty-first birthday party

 **DD:** slammed hand in car door

 **DD:** Bad driving instructor

 **DD:** coerced affection during an alien invasion

 **DD:** aiding and abetting tax evasion

 **SM:** I forgot about that

 **DD:** it is okay, you were 17.

 **S2:** Oh my gOD

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I see your point but I don’t care.

 **DD:** I have more?

 **S3:** please, sir. Tell us more.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : don’t

 **DD:** The time with the ladder.

 **DD:** the time with the rollerskates.

 **DD:** the time you let me drive.

 **DD:** The dungeon incident.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : you know what

 **DD:** losing the flashdrive with his final presentation on it

 **DD:** inciting a bull and fleeing the area

 **DD:** falsely claiming to have a pilot’s license

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I don’t have to listen to this

 **S3:** damn spidey, you’re well adjusted for all that

 **SM:** this is but a sliver of my trauma.

 **S2:** define ‘well adjusted.’

 **S3:** not presently screaming

 **SM:** not today.

 **SM:** yet.

 **S2:** did you take your meds?

 **S2:** Spidey

 **S3:** Spidey

 **S4:** Spidey did you?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : that’s a negative

 **DD:** If I have to take mine than you have to take yours

 **SM:** Consider.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : alright no

 **SM:** if I don’t take mine

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : no no. I’m putting a stop to this one

 **SM:** you don’t take yours?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : we are all, collectively, taking our medication during the pandemic.

 **DD:** a compelling argument

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : we are all, collectively, also ignoring people who’s idea of fashion is green sneakers

 **DD:** I love it

 **SM:** I knew you would.

 **S2:** old men, you are all taking your meds. We can’t cope with any of you when you’re chemically unbalanced. That includes you, Spidey.

 **S3:** oh shit, Little Spidey just got real.

 **S4:** y’all made Pink get serious. Make it stop, I’m scared.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : the babe is scared, Spiderkid, do you hear this? You are frightening the children.

 **DD:** I have just been informed that there will be cruel and unusual punishment if meds are not taken appropriately.

 **S3:** oh thank god

 **S2:** Husband is the real mvp

 **DD:** Husband has no sense of humor and is backed by the gall of the apprentice.

 **SM:** Tell Husband that he is oppressing me.

 **DD:** K

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : what exactly do you think that’s going to accomplish for you, Webs?

 **SM:** WOAH WOAH WOAH

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I know. **I know.**

 **SM:** HOLY SHIT.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : you’re the one who asked for this.

 **SM:** I know but??? Webs???

 **S4:** I am confusion.

 **D2:** Same.

 **S2:** that’s a cute nickname Spidey. You should take that one.

 **SM:** no you don’t understand.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : old, old, **old** nickname.

 **S2:** ?

 **SM:** Wade used to call me that before we were teamed up. Like. In early, early days.

 **DD:** Husband says he’s going to start demanding tribute from all the peasants he’s supervising.

 **DD:** oh shit.

 **DD:** webs.

 **DD:** what’s going to happen next, Wade, you going to call me Hornhead?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I can

 **DD:** no you don’t have to.

 **SM:** do it. We’ll just take this whole planet 11 years into the past.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : 11…

 **DD:** FUCK I’M OLD.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Christ

 **DD:** how did this even happen?

 **DD:** one second I was actively trying to get killed

 **DD:** the next I got a bad fucking back

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : oh boo boo. Come home I’ll kiss it better

 **DD:** touch me and suffer the consequences

 **BT:** Hello!

 **SM:** eyyy

 **S2:** hi!

 **BT:** Stop stealing my pupil. We are baking. I will confiscate the phone now for quality time.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : lol

 **SM:** the tables have turned, DD.

 **DD:** I’m not finished here.

 **D2:** bye!

 **S2:** lol. Oh dave. He’s still typing, fam. Don’t say bye yet.

 **D2:** oooooh.

 **S3:** bless

 **DD:** Goodbye for now.

 **S2:** there you go, Dave. Have at it.

 **D2:** BYE

 **S3:** Dave is my favorite.

 **S2:** Same.

 **S4:** Thor is my favorite.

 **SM:** false. I am your favorite.

 **S4:** Cap is my favorite.

 **SM:** False.

 **S2:** you’re still mad we went camping without you

 **S4:** Cap doesn’t go camping without me

 **SM:** Cap is having violent flashbacks to the 20s rn. Leave him and his fellow fossil in peace.

 **S4:** that’s not a nice thing to say about Mr. Wilson, Webs.

 **SM:** DON’T CALL ME THAT. YOU ARE FOUR YEARS OLD.

 **S4:** Webs

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : satisfying, no?

 **S4:** yes

 **SM:** STOP.

 **S2:** Webs. Websies.

 **S3:** Websssss

 **SM:** I’m going to find a MASK. I’m going to leave this HOUSE. I’m going to haul ass to the city and then I’m going to suffocate each of you individually.

 **S2:** I’m sooooo scared. Help me, spiderman!

 **S3:** I’m on my way

 **S4:** No, I’m on my way.

 **D2:** no one’s on their way, there’s a shelter order on peeps, come on now.

 **SM:** Dave how the hell are you not sick?

 **D2:** gym closed. Daughter got her first period. Her misery requires 24/7 attention. And am not an Idiot. Haven’t left home in a week.

 **SM:** damn he’s good.

 **S3:** this is why Dave is my favorite. Spidey you were exposed, weren’t you?

 **SM:** I am climbing these fucking walls in self isolation. Yes. I can’t go home. I can’t go out. I have been shunned by all my friends. They have started calling me ‘bubble boy’ and it is mean. They are bullies. I don’t need friends, I’ve decided.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I’ll come sit with you.

 **SM:** …

 **S3:** oh shit

 **S2:** resist Spidey, it’s not worth the high blood pressure. You’re in a vulnerable state.

 **D2:** Wade, you can’t catch it?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : already had it.

 **S2:** metal

 **S3:** Christ. Was it bad?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : on a scale of one to stage four cancer, you mean?

 **S3:** I

 **S2:** right. Sorry wade.

 **SM:** Is it tho?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : you’ve got a healing factor kiddo you’ll be fine.

 **SM:** I mean yeah, but no one else does.

 **S4:** I do! And Cap does. He’s not answering any messages, though. I think he’s drowning in guilt rn.

 **SM:** oh you sweet summer child.

 **SM:** no. He’s having flashbacks, bitsy. I’m telling you. The guy was born during the Influenza outbreak. He’s had pneumonia more times than you can count.

 **S4:** oh.

 **S2:** nice?

 **SM:** not nice.

 **S2:** on the upside, if Cap managed to live what, 25 years? of more or less constant pneumonia with medical system that thought that whiskey was a cure all, then surely we can live through this?

 **SM:** I mean.

 **SM:** Ironman tested Cap once during an argument to prove a point and we found out that he’s naturally immune-deficient.

 **S2:** what

 **S3:** oh **shit**

 **S4:** how could they tell?

 **SM:** idk not my circus not my monkeys. I think there were cell observations involved.

 **DD:** I have returned. I do not like bread.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : war on carbs again?

 **SM:** hiss

 **S2:** war on carbs??? DD why?

 **DD:** this house smells like yeast. I cannot escape.

 **SM:** most people like that smell Red

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : ^

 **DD:** cannot escape. Have been refused permission to open a window. Husband has become a tyrant in this pandemic

 **SM:** no. He just knows that you’ll climb out of it if its an option.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : correct

 **DD:** I will behave.

 **SM:** it is the end times

 **S2:** red if you behave then we’ll all die. Don’t do this. Fling yourself out the window.

 **SM:** Girl, no.

 **DD:** copy that

 **S4:** DD no!!

 **S4:** we love you and you don’t have a healing factor so you’ll get sick!! Think about your lung!

 **S3:** only the one lung.

 **SM:** only the one lung that continues to be stabbed. Think of the stabbed lung.

 **DD:** I will behave.

 **BT:** Hi!!

 **SM:** hey you

 **S4:** BT stay and chat with us

 **BT:** Sorry!! Cannot!! Me and teach are having **quality time _._**

 **SM:** you guys have more quality time than any mentor-mentee set I know.

 **BT:** it is because we love each other. I am confiscating the phone again. Husband is granting permission for dog walking.

 **DD:** on it. Farewell, nerds.

 **SM:** that was dirty BT.

 **BT:** 😊

 **BT:** you guys should get some rest. Watch some videos. Have a cup of tea.

 **S2:** BT says it like a threat.

 **BT:** 😊 😊 😊

 **SM:** it is a threat.

 **BT:** if you don’t and you get my community sicker than they are then I will come home and vanquish all of you in the suit so you won’t even see it coming 😳

 **S2:** …scary

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Red, are you proud?

 **BT:** he is busy. Walking the dogs.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : oh no, you’re for real, for real

 **BT:** 😊

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I think…I am threatened by you, small invisible one.

 **SM:** I think I’m going to go lay down.

 **S2:** same

 **S3:** I didn’t even get up!

 **S4:** talk to you all later? Or like, when BT is gone and its safe again?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I think I might have to kill him

 **D2:** oh hello, I’m back. We had minor trauma requiring a Mom-call, but we’re good now. What’s happened?

 **S3:** God, Dave. I love you so fucking much.

**Little Spidey (Pink):** Hello twitter friends. Here. Take the first installment of our bullshit.

 **Spiderman 4.0** : Just so you all know, we’re all okay so far. For your reading ease, S2 is Pink, S3 is our Tall Guy, S4 is me, DD is Daredevil, D2/Dave is our buddy holding the fort in Hell’s Kitchen, and BT is your boy Blindspot who is a social distancing dictator in these trying times.

 **Blindspot:** Hello friends. Head on over to the Spiderpeople’s accounts for proof that everyone around Sensei is an enabler but me and his husband. We are doing the lord’s work, y’all. We deserve recognition.


	2. thunder city

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´): why the fuck won’t anyone call me sir. Every Safeway employee on the eastern seaboard calls me sir, but I can’t get a single lick of respect outta y’all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am catching a flight back to the US tomorrow morning. Will probably not be able to update until I have gotten settled at my new exciting temporary self-isolation home. 
> 
> But in the meantime, have some more nonsense. And continue stay the fuck inside please!!!

**S2:** Spidey get on twitter

 **SM:** ?

 **SM:** jesus

 **S4:** I was just about to tell you

 **SM:** woah. Wow. So, uh? What do we do now?

 **BT:** This is insane.

 **S3:** I guess we do another one?

 **SM:** damn. Pressure much.

 **S2:** no pressure necessary. I have just the thing.

 **SM:** she always has just the thing. You know what I have? Someone ask me what I have.

 **S3:** What do you have, Spidey?

 **SM:** hold on I’m still thinking. Standby.

 **S3:** standing by

 **S4:** standing by

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Hey quick question: how many cats do I own?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I coulda sworn it was one. I own one cat, right?

 **SM:** I mean **own** is a matter of perspective but normally, yes. You cohabit with one cat.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : huh

 **DD:** cats?

 **SM:** look what you’ve done. It’s barely six over there and the beast is awake.

 **DD:** Where is the cat?

 **SM:** you don’t need to know.

 **BT:** boss it is ass o’clock and you already have two whole dogs. You don’t need a cat.

 **DD:** did I ask you for your opinion?

 **BT:** no sir.

 **DD:** stand down

 **BT:** make me.

**Read: 9:34**

**SM:** uh? DD? Blindspot? Y’all okay?

 **S2:** Red’s killed him

 **S3:** Red hasn’t killed him

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Listen, can someone do me a favor and send me a picture of what my cat looks like? I can’t tell if I’m having hallucinations or smth again.

 **SM:** **[image] [image] [image]**

 **SM:** I have more

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : how many pictures of her do you have

 **SM:** why do you require that information?

 **DD:** I want the pictures.

 **SM:** oh, you’re back. what did you do to BT

 **DD:** I am taking these for reasons.

 **S2:** to show to Hubbie?

 **DD:** disgusting. Never call him that again.

 **S2:** Hubbie-wubbie, pookie-bear?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : you are so close to his actual petname, you have no idea.

 **DD:** tell us more of the cat.

 **S2:** say WHAT

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : oh. Right. Is this my cat?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : **[image]**

 **SM:** no. Wade, Bella is black and white.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : so you see it too, then

 **S4:** kitty ❤

 **S3:** that is the exact opposite of your cat

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : huh

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : right. last question: can y’all just verify for me that this is not a bitchin’ yin-yang cushion I sleep-bought?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : **[image]**

 **SM:** aalkdsfasdfsda;jfs;dljfkhk;j

 **SM:** GIVE THEM TO ME

 **S2:** awwww, bella’s got a friend.

 **S3:** they’re all cuddled up. I’m weeping

 **BT:** I have been assaulted.

 **BT:** oh nice. Who’s cats?

 **S2:** wade’s.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : No. I have one cat. Spidey just confirmed this. Where did this other thing come from?

 **SM:** give

 **S2:** spidey no. you’re in self-isolation.

 **SM:** GIVE

 **DD:** I want it.

 **S3:** you are so allergic.

 **S4:** I’ll take it! My dad said no dogs or cats or rabbits, though. Only things that can live in a tank. I will put it in a big tank.

 **SM:** what

 **S4:** he’s allergic

 **DD:** I do not understand.

 **BT:** Yes you do. And Husband said you were scared of dogs until you were like 30. So you like, doubly do.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : RED

 **SM:** BEG YOUR PARDON?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : MAN WITHOUT FEAR, EH?

 **SM:** One fear

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : what is it, Webs?

 **SM:** Dogs

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : DOGS

 **DD:** You two think you are so clever

 **S2:** what did you do to BT?

 **DD:** punishment.

 **S3:** yikes.

 **BT:** I’m okay.

 **DD:** grounded.

 **BT:** you’re not my real dad

 **DD:** do you want to play this game?

 **BT:** no sir

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Spiderkid, call me ‘sir.’

 **SM:** hell no

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : do it. I’m your mentor, remember? We established this ages ago. Call me sir.

 **SM:** fuck you. No one lays claim to this ass. It is all self-taught.

 **DD:** excuse you?

 **SM:** 85% self taught

 **DD:** that’s what I fucking thought.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Red, stop threatening my mentee.

 **SM:** I’m not your mentee. If anything, I’m Stark’s mentee. Kind of.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : you screamed at Stark to get out of your life at 17 years old.

 **SM:** We have had our differences. 17 was a tough year for everyone.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Correct. I’m your father now. Call me Sir.

 **SM:** fuck OFF

 **S2:** Wade’s a great dad, Spidey. You should be happy.

 **SM:** I ain’t need no dad

 **S3:** I’ll drink to that

 **DD:** you are all trying to distract me from the cat. It is not working. Discuss the cat.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : oh. Yeah. I guess he’s here to stay.

 **SM:** he?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : def he.

 **SM:** wade

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : yes?

 **SM:** no. nevermind

 **S2:** SPIDEY

 **S3:** oh my god

 **S4:** kittens❤

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : what

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : oh

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : OH SHIT

 **DD:** relax. Bella is fixed.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : …yes. Right. I did that.

 **DD:** a thousand years ago. I remember you talking about it.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I did that.

 **SM:** yeah, like, that was after the dungeon incident.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : when the roads all fell in. correct.

 **SM:** …wade

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I THINK I did that. Idk bad memory in moments of much stress.

 **S4:** kittens❤

 **SM:** I want all of them. When they are born, I want every one of them.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : sry brb googling ‘kitty abortion’

 **DD:** NO

 **SM:** NO

 **DD:** This is a sin against god.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Red you have helped so many people get abortions

 **DD:** I will take them. Spiderchild and I will divide them. I shall be their father. I will take this responsibility

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Pal, I can no longer count the number of times you have been passed out on my floor covered in hives from the cat. No. You ain’t need children, she ain’t need babies, and I sure as hell don’t need any more damn kids in this place.

 **DD:** I don’t remember waking up on your floor a single time.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : that is because you were drunk, darling. Your name was a hazy idea floating around that skull of yours back then.

 **DD:** fun times. Hey, I should get wasted.

 **SM:** Meds.

 **DD:** And?

 **BT:** oh are we drinking now?

 **DD:** I am drinking. You are still grounded.

 **S2:** I smell a bad idea.

 **S3:** won’t that make you puke, DD?

 **DD:** bout to find out

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : slam it back cowboy

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : also I cannot get this creature an abortion with a fucking shelter order on are you kidding me

 **S4:** do you think they’ll be tuxedo cats?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : they’re going to be street cats

 **SM:** NO. I just said I’d take them.

 **S4:** oh. Cap just answered my texts.

 **S2:** ooooh what’s he sayin’?

 **S4:** um. I’m not sure if he knows who he’s texting.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : if they are nudes, forward them to me, then delete pls and thanks.

 **BT:** guys, Teach just downed two shots of tequila. I haven’t seen him eat today.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : oh hon. It’s gonna take way more than that to get him drunk.

 **BT:** oh. Everyone in the house is drinking now. Cool. That’s healthy.

 **SM:** What’s Cap said, Bitsy?

 **S4:** ‘lost it I think in the atlantic. Do you think god hates me?’

 **SM:** aldkjfadsf

 **DD:** word

 **S2:** well hello, buzzed sir.

 **DD:** not quite, but we are getting there.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : why the fuck won’t anyone call me sir. Every Safeway employee on the eastern seaboard calls me sir, but I can’t get a single lick of respect outta y’all.

 **DD:** its because I’m handsome.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I

 **SM:** No one calls me sir ☹

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : that’s because you’re twelve

 **SM:** I am NOT

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : baby boy

 **SM:** Stop, you heathen. Stranger danger.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I am no stranger.

 **SM:** I’m telling my mom

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : you have no mom

 **SM:** I’m telling my other mom

 **DD:** how many moms do people have?

 **SM:** depends

 **DD:** I got like three dads.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : how many shots, boo?

 **DD:** plenty

 **BT:** 4 now

 **DD:** I want to talk about my dads.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : a rare moment of vulnerability, huh Red? Alright go on. Talk about them. Tell us everything.

 **DD:** fuck you.

 **DD:** no. You don’t deserve it.

 **S2:** no red, we want to hear. Really.

 **S4:** we do.

 **S3:** is this going to end in murder? It always seems to end in murder with you.

 **DD:** I miscounted.

 **DD:** I’ve got four dads, but one of them’s more like a grandpa? That’s technically a dad, right?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : that is how generations work, yes. I’ll allow it. But just fyi. Like, you actually have two grandpas and one dad. That is an actual fact about you.

 **DD:** no I don’t

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : you do.

 **DD:** I fucking don’t.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : take another shot slugger.

 **DD:** maybe I will.

 **BT:** please no. please do not encourage.

 **DD:** I recounted. I’ve got three dads and a grandpa.

 **SM:** stop taking all the dads.

 **DD:** shut up I’m talking.

 **DD:** right. So there is Dad. Obviously.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Obviously

 **S2:** obviously

 **DD:** are you getting fresh?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : yes

 **S2:** what does that mean?

 **SM:** just say yes

 **S2:** why? Is it bad?

 **S3:** yes

 **S2:** then yeah

 **DD:** brats.

 **DD:** whatever.

 **DD:** So there is dad. And then there is the old guy at the gym. That’s grandpa. And then there is the Father. And then there is God.

 **DD:** three dads. See? I told you.

 **SM:** …

 **S3:** that was very good Double D. really good sharing.

 **DD:** I thought so

 **BT:** what about Husband’s dad?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Did you break him, kid?

 **BT:** maybe? He stopped moving?

 **SM:** awwwww

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I had a dad.

 **S4:** **had**

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : should killed that bastard when I had the chance.

 **S2:** I LOVE MY DAD

 **S4:** SAME

 **S3:** I don’t have a dad?

 **SM:** SAME

 **BT:** Same

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Inivisiboy. Your father weeps right next to you. What are you talking about?

 **BT:** I’ve never met this man in my life.

 **SM:** I haven’t had a dad for like 24 years.

 **S3:** Nice! I haven’t had a dad for like, 15.

 **BT:** I’m not confident that I’ve ever met my father?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I will do you all a service right here right now

 **SM:** no thanks

 **S3:** we’re good actually wade

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I am now your father.

 **DD:** HA

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : silence, sheep. I am father

 **D2:** oh, hello father. I am dad.

 **S2:** !!!!

 **S4:** swooped in and SCORED

 **BT:** I am

 **BT:** hurt?

 **SM:** Dave will you be my dad?

 **D2:** do you need one?

 **SM:** absolutely not. But I can’t risk Wade being it.

 **D2:** oh yes. that’s fine then. You can be my son.

 **SM:** do I have to change my name?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : how dare you. You could be Webs Wilson.

 **S2:** SPIDEY YOU NEED TO GIVE IT UP

 **S4:** oh my god. Webs Wilson

 **SM:** oh my aunts calling hold on

 **S3:** a hasty retreat

**DD:** have acquired cat

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : put it back

 **BT:** (it is not a cat)

 **DD:** what did you say?

 **BT:** I said it’s a great cat, teach.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : You’re right. My mistake. picture of cat please.

 **BT:** **[image]**

 **S2:** pft

 **S3:** oh wow.

 **S4:** uh? How many drinks in are we?

 **D2:** what the hell is that?

 **DD:** cat

 **BT:** (Husband wrapped football in throw rug.)

 **DD:** how dare you speak ill of your baby sister

 **SM:** Husband is truly the only thing holding this family together.

 **BT:** Husband has big plans for the holiday card and is also piss drunk. Send help please

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : oh NICE. Red, give your hubbie the phone

 **DD:** k

 **S3:** is that a good idea?

 **DD:** hello?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : heeeeeey boo. How you doin’?

 **DD:** Y does evyone call me hsanb

 **DD:** husbanb

 **DD:** husband

 **SM:** because you and red are married, friend, remember that disaster?

 **DD:** yes. Most buetiful

 **DD:** beaautiful day of my life.

 **DD:** summer.

 **SM:** aww

 **S2:** I cried at your wedding

 **S3:** ^

 **DD:** oh nice. I did too I think.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : no no friend. Red cried at your wedding. On you. For like, an hour. Getting things a little mixed up there.

 **DD:** he’s a sensitive soul

 **S2:** aldfja;sdljfadfa

 **S2:** yeaH

 **S2:** he is

 **DD:** I kno

 **DD:** I feel bad he wants a cat

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I’m about to have some.

 **DD:** …?

 **SM:** Bella’s gone out and fucked a man

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : no Bella kept her darling ass home as instructed but this INTRUDER has entered my sacred household.

 **DD:** oh kittens

**S4: kittens.**

**SM:** I’ve claimed all of them.

 **DD:** that’s okay we don’t need any. We got plans

 **DD:** plans/

 **BT:** plants

 **DD:** that one

 **BT:** and dogs

 **DD:** them too

 **BT:** and apprentices

 **DD:** god help us that we just have one of them for a while

 **BT:** but?? I am your favorite??

 **DD:** you are my favorite

 **BT:** YES

 **S2:** damn you even got it in writing. Good for you BT

 **BT:** screenshotting

 **S3:** I sense an argument

 **DD:** oh I need to give back the phone. Idk if we need texing rn tho. So I think we’re gonna have a nap.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : go nap friend.

 **DD:** 😘

 **S2:** wild to see that emoji by red’s name

 **S3:** cursed image

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : if only you guys had known red in his glory days. It would not be so cursed

 **S2:** what

 **SM:** massive flirt

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : an inspiration to us all

 **SM:** charmed his way out of so many arrests

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : broke and entered so many apartments, had enthusiastic acrobatic sex with people inside them with only occasionally stabbing and police calling. Truly a legend.

 **S3:** or an STI machine

 **S2:** ^^^

 **S4:** that sounds irresponsible

 **S3:** tell em like it is Bitsy

 **D2:** oh I remember. A gal in our building told everyone who would listen that she’d banged the devil of hell’s kitchen

 **S2:** I cannot beLIEVE

 **S4:** that’s nasty

 **S4:** why would you even be proud of that

 **S3:** idk, Spidey, what do you think?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : ;AKA;LSDFJASD;FKJASHFDSKJS

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : called OUT

 **SM:** I have had a normal number of relationships

 **S3:** half of the people we meet are your exes. Half of them try to kill us.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : he’s only doing what he saw in his youth, children. The boy had no father. And one of his two big brothers was nothing but a Horndog

 **DD:** you talking shit?

 **S2:** yes.

 **S4:** aren’t you supposed to be napping?

 **DD:** husband is napping. I am trapped and not tired.

 **S2:** why was Youthful Red a horndog?

 **DD:** oh that was the longing

 **S3:** mood

 **S2:** not mood. What the fuck does that even mean?

 **DD:** therapist says ‘attempting to find meaning through others.’

 **SM:** y-yeah

 **S3:** aw, Spidey.

 **S2:** that’s dumb

 **S4:** how does that work?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : never well.

 **BT:** oh I do this.

 **DD:** we talked about it

 **BT:** I know and I still do it because my mistakes are my own 😎

 **DD:** you also finish all the girls drinks at the club

 **S2:** OH MY GOD BT THAT’S SO DANGEROUS

 **BT:** My mistakes are my own 😎

 **S3:** why do you do that?

 **BT:** poor judgement under the influence 😎😎😎😎

 **S4:** you guys are all walking DUI campaigns

 **BT:** Bold of you to assume I can drive ✌

 **SM:** I can

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I know I taught you

 **SM:** you taught me how not to drive. Then DD taught me how REALLY not to drive. Then Sergeant Barnes taught me how to drive in an emergency.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I thought Cap taught you how to drive?

 **SM:** He did.

 **SM:** Stick, even. Also a tractor?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : oh my god

 **S2:** why does Cap know how to drive a tractor?

 **SM:** likes to be tall

 **S4:** same

 **S2:** same

 **S3:** I am tall

 **SM:** shut up S3, we KNOW

 **S2:** ugh

 **S4:** shun the giant

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I am also tall

**S4: shunned**

**SM:** how dare you

 **DD:** I am tall

 **SM:** we know DD, but you also like to be tall.

 **DD:** like up high?

 **SM:** yea

 **DD:** I do like to be up high

 **S2:** he’s one of us at heart.

 **D2:** Oh, I’m tall

 **S2:** LEAVE

 **S3:** **high fives over the heads of the shorties**

 **SM:** Don’t call me shortie

 **S2:** One of us

 **SM:** I am taller than you. And Bitsy

 **S4:** one of us

 **BT:** If I got a stool I can reach things.

 **S2:** have you ever climbed on a shelf in the supermarket?

 **BT:** …

 **S2:** one of us

 **DD:** I was a shrimp until I was 20.

 **SM:** oh my god for real?

 **DD:** smallest in my class until the middle of highschool. It sucked. Was stickly until the good genes kicked in too

 **SM:** I did not get the Good Genes ☹

 **BT:** same. My mom was taller than me.

 **S2:** akdfhasdjfa;dsljfa AW

 **BT:** ☹ ☹ ☹ I just want to be tall.

 **BT:** DD taught me to choke someone with my thighs tho. So you know. Shorty power.

 **SM:** oh same. The Widow taught me that first, but then I uh.

 **S2:** say it

 **S3:** it’s okay Spidey this is a safe space.

 **S2:** SAY IT.

 **SM:** …the thighs got big

 **S2:** THUNDER CITY

 **SM:** I hate you

 **S2:** Look at this man’s ASS, y’all

 **SM:** They aren’t that big!!!

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I mean?

 **SM:** don’t you say a damn thing.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : you were so tiny, kid. We never could have expected this.

 **S2:** No one expects Thunder City.

 **SM:** why do you bully me so much?

 **S2:** Suffocate a man with them gams, boo

 **SM:** I don’t kill people ☹

 **S2:** No, but you sure as fuck sit on em

 **S4:** do I get to learn the thigh hold?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : …

 **DD:** stickly

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I mean, yeah. But Webs fleshed out eventually?

 **DD:** stickly

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : and you fleshed out eventually

 **DD:** many squats. A body like this aint cheap.

 **BT:** its pretty cheap

 **DD:** silence you

 **BT:** sensei lives on pad thai.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : you and Thai food, man.

 **DD:** superior cuisine

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : you and Hubbie have ranked all the thai food places in HK.

 **DD:** finances change. You need to know your options.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : how the fuck you do that and keep that ass I will never know

 **DD:** I reserve carbs for pad thai and scotch.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : not together I hope

 **DD:** now there’s a thought

 **BT:** you’ve had enough for today.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : you’ve been cut off, Red. Betrayed by your own son.

 **DD:** we’ve been over this wade

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : fine. He’s a horcrux then

 **DD:** do not speak to me of satan’s literature

 **S2:** oh my god Red you cannot be that catholic

 **DD:** try me

 **BT:** the dogs are freaking out?

 **DD:** an interesting turn of events. Please excuse us.

 **D2:** oh hey, my kid’s freaking out. Y’all getting knocking too? Thinking about not answering it.

 **SM:** Is it cops?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : can verify. Is probably cops. Making sure folks are inside. Came around here when a bunch of fuckheads decided to try to have a block party.

 **SM:** oh shit, well that’s our cue to duck and cover, huh? I have a pile of movie recs that I need to watch, so I’ll talk to y’all later.

 **S2:** saaaame. Bye

 **S4:** bye!

 **S3:** bye!

**Blindspot** : good morning friends and neighbors. I was rudely awoken this morning by DD taking shots at 6:30am. You too, can be rudely awoken by him taking shots at 6:30am **over at Little Spidey’s page _._**

 **Little Spidey (Pink):** Oh Lord she’s a-coming— **link**

 **Spiderman 4.0:** Check out the early morning ISO Chat for the day **here.** Next time, we’re going to take some questions. Can’t guarantee that even one of them will be answered, but @me or Little Spidey and we’ll throw a few of the best ones to the wolves. Don’t forget to stay inside and wash your hands!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Matt takes cat pictures to Foggy to have them described in excruciating detail so that he can get his fix from afar. 
> 
> **I think it might be fun to add in some pictures of people reacting to these posts on various platforms, so if you want to mock one up and send me a screenshot of a 'comment' or a 'retweet' reacting to the chats, go ahead and send it to me on tumblr ( **deniigi.tumblr.com** ). I'll start compiling an image for an audience reaction to them all and I'll tack them on at the end of the chapters as I go.
> 
>  **Edit** : Images added. Going left to right.  
> 1 from: @titaniumcurves on tumblr  
> 2 from: @scoutdee on tumblr  
> 3 from: @sucrosesorcery on tumblr
> 
> Image 1 [I.D.: Screen of Twitter post by Kelly – anne, “Baby Spidey being taught how to drive by his elders )not betters)!!! Askfghddklgh! Plus Webs don’t be ashamed for those #ThunderCityThighs More #Shelterstories please and thank 🕷🕸. End I.D.]
> 
> Image 2 [I.D.: Screen of Twitter post by melani, “these people are my heroes @Blindspot @Little Spidey.” Reaction image of a man holding his head and smiling painfully. End I.D.]
> 
> Image 3 [I.D.: Screen of Twitter post by All Coming Together, “I knew I trusted these guys for a reason.” Reply by Rechard, “why is that what makes you trust them,” reply by All Coming Together, “shared braincell.” End I.D.]
> 
> (Huge thanks to those who submitted images!!)


	3. in this house of god

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **S2:** hey how old is wade?  
>  **DD:** ancient. Civilizations have risen and fallen in his years of existence  
>  **DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´):** I’m going to say this one more time: the Soviet Union is not an ancient civilization.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have arrived home safely! And am now in self isolation. Thanks to everyone for the well-wishes!! They helped loads.

**DD:** hello.

 **S2:** hey hey what’s up in Cali for self isolation, day 3?

 **DD:** nothing

 **S3:** That’s no fun

 **DD:** There is no justice to be found in this house

 **S3:** ah.

 **S2:** run out of things to fight?

 **DD:** Unfortunately. Husband refuses to rise to the bait.

 **DD:** he is stubborn.

 **S2:** lol sorry you can’t ruin your marriage DD.

 **S3:** yeah, man. Sorry

 **BT:** don’t encourage him he’s def trying anyways

 **DD:** I require more stimulation. I’m going to the backyard to languish. Good bye.

 **S2:** BT take pictures.

 **S3:** ^

**SM:** Hello.

 **S4:** hey spidey! What’s up? You doing okay?

 **SM:** I have been contacted by my place of work.

 **S2:** oh shit. It’s okay, man. You can apply for unemployment.

 **S3:** I can help!!

 **SM:** I

 **SM:** I haven’t been fired????

 **S3:** oh

 **S2:** oh

 **S4:** yay?

 **SM:** Guys, I’ve told you multiple times that I am somewhat indispensable for my dept??? Have a little faith please???

 **S2:** in who

 **SM:** ME

 **S2:** nah

 **SM:** what the fuck have I done to you?

 **S2:** Bitsy, read the man the receipts

 **S4:** what receipts

 **S2:** Goddamnit

 **S2:** I was trying to be cool like DD the other day and you ruined it

 **SM:** whatever. ask me why my work contacted me

 **S3:** why did your work contact you?

 **SM:** S3, have I told you lately that I would die for you?

 **S3:** yes

 **SM:** right

 **SM:** So I have been given a box of supplies and with these I am to develop a rapid test.

 **S2:** WHAT

 **S3:** Wow!

 **S4:** that’s so cool!!

 **S2:** but I thought you did mechanics?

 **SM:** you are correct!!

 **S3:** wait. Then why did they assign this to you?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Webs double majored

 **SM:** I double majored!!

 **S2:** dude, when did you sleep in undergrad?

 **SM:** I didn’t

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : can confirm

 **S2:** shouldn’t your gf be on this? Isn’t she a biologist?

 **SM:** yes.

 **S3:** and?

 **SM:** She is indisposed.

 **S2:** OH NO. Spidey I’m so sorry!!

 **S3:** shit, man

 **S4:** ☹

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : is that why they trapped you in the house box?

 **SM:** ☹ ☹ ☹

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : aw kid, that sucks

 **SM:** She’s okay, she’s got a mild case thank god.

 **S2:** damn. Okay what about the other best friend

 **SM:** ☹ ☹ ☹

 **S2:** SPIDEY

 **SM:** I KNOW

 **S2:** THAT SUCKS SUCH ASS

 **SM:** Tell me about it.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : what about your aunt?

 **SM:** What the fuck do you think, man? She’s a nurse.

 **S3:** Christ. I mean, Is she alright?

 **SM:** mostly. Aunt is on day 10, light of my life #1 is on day 3, light of my life #2 is on day 7. We are getting through it. Aunt has been sending me pictures of the balcony flowers since yesterday, so I think she’s in good spirits. LML #1 is rating takeout boxes online.

 **S4:** Rating take-out boxes, as in, their contents?

 **SM:** I would have hoped y’all knew me and my people better than that by now.

 **S4:** my bad.

 **S2:** feel bad, Bitsy. That was a rookie mistake.

 **S4:** you’re a rookie mistake

 **S3:** children, behave

 **SM:** more importantly, LML #2 has told me that if I message him one more time, he’s going to hire a courier to bring me a horse’s head for my bed.

 **S2:** lol

 **S2:** LML #2 takes no shit.

 **S3:** so how do you make a rapid test?

 **SM:** I’m so glad you asked. I have no idea. I have been given no guidelines and no direction.

 **S2:** nice. So you got the element of surprise on your side.

 **SM:** if by that, you mean, I am about to fail catastrophically, then yes!

 **S3:** nah, man. you can do it!!

 **S4:** Yeah! And your people will be okay. My mom got COVID really early and got through it. Dad talked to her outside the bedroom a few times every hour.

 **S2:** oh great now I’ve gotta cry

 **SM:** oh my god that could be meeeee

 **S2:** no you’ve got a job. This is your chance to work that double major

 **SM:** right right. Okay I will focus.

 **S2:** go get ‘em!!

 **S3:** do it!!

 **S4:** use those brains, spidey!

**DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : sooooo

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : how’s it goin?

 **SM:** **[image] [image] [image]**

 **S3:** is that a kettle?

 **S2:** forget the kettle, spidey, why’s it purple?

 **SM:** because hell

 **S4:** Titration?

 **SM:** A+ for Bitsy. Now, the question of the hour: how do I know its even testing anything?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : idk

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : maybe test you?

 **SM:** k

 **S2:** what is it testing for?

 **SM:** idk, but it came back purple

 **S4:** how can you **not** know what its testing for?

 **SM:** My master’s is very much not in bio, friend. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. Honestly I think this is just my big boss’s idea of a keeping us all occupied while he sorts out the sick leave.

 **S2:** what about your little boss?

 **SM:** my what?

 **S2:** little boss.

 **SM:** I have a little boss?

 **S2:** existence of a big boss implies existence of a little boss. Who is the little boss? Tell us.

 **DD:** I know

 **SM:** do share

 **SM:** actually don’t

 **DD:** you want the socialist answer or the better one?

 **SM:** if you say Jesus one more time I will kill you through my phone.

 **DD:** I am not wanted here.

 **S2:** DD’s taking no church time hard, huh?

 **BT:** He’s turned on the televangelist channel and is arguing with the pastors.

 **SM:** That’s rough

 **BT:** He’s calling every number, guys. This is the best day of my life.

 **S3:** DD needs a hero

 **SM:** he must get on the waiting list. New York needs a hero rn

 **SM:** wait. BT, what do you know about biology?

 **BT:** OwO

 **S2:** what is that face for

 **BT:** I have a textbook.

 **SM:** How much biology do you think you can learn in a night?

 **BT:** ÒWÓ

 **SM:** HELL YEAH

 **BT:** assignment?

 **S2:** oh god the nerds are in

 **BT:** homework???

 **SM:** yes.

 **BT:** give

 **SM:** Giving

 **BT:** received. Give me 4 hrs to check in.

**BT:** spidey

 **SM:** yes?

 **BT:** biology is hm

 **SM:** yes these are my feelings too

 **BT:** I am not good with making numbers into squishy things

 **SM:** See, I am having the opposite problem.

 **BT:** making squish into numbers?

 **SM:** making squish into Yes/No. I still don’t know what I’m doing, but I am now looking at a blue titration.

 **BT:** oh, that’s very good.

 **SM:** I thought so. Coworkers are asking me judgmental questions about it tho

 **SM:** It would seem that I am…bad at this.

 **S2:** WE FINALLY FOUND IT

 **S3:** eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

 **S4:** This and time management!!

**SM: listen you brats**

**DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I’ll make a test

 **DD:** I will make a test

 **SM:** No no. we’re good. You guys are great as you are.

 **S3:** ^^^^^^

 **S4:** a test for what

 **S2:** please don’t

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I got a test machine rn

 **DD:** same

 **SM:** you don’t. Neither of you do. A microwave is not a test

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : makes the noise

 **DD:** Makes the right noise yes

 **SM:** is that what you think we do in labs??? Wait for pings??

 **DD:** yes

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Do you not?

 **SM:** I am tired suddenly

 **S2:** I know what happens in labs

 **SM:** I am becoming one with this chair

 **S3:** what goes on in labs, girl?

 **SM:** spare me

 **S2:** coats.

 **S3:** coats.

 **S4:** coats?

 **S2:** yeah, that’s what happens in labs. Obviously.

 **SM:** someone call a plumber my degree won’t fit in this toilet

 **S2:** no? No coats?

 **SM:** I cannot fit in this shitter y’all. It will not flush

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : no no, coats AND pings.

 **DD:** very reasonable

 **SM:** have literally any of you ever seen a single action film?

 **DD:** kaiju

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : oh no, red. That’s a VERY good point

 **SM:** kaiju???

 **BT:** I introduced Teach to Pacific Rim last night. He’s into the kaijus

 **DD:** I like all of them.

 **SM:** You think my lab is full of kaijus

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : well, I mean. You did work with the Hulk that one time?

 **SM:** you think the hulk is a kaiju.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : …no

 **DD:** yes

 **BT:** Teach has a hard time remembering that the jaegers are not the kaijus

 **DD:** robots

 **SM:** Red. No. The Hulk is not a robot. Or a giant lizard.

 **DD:** I want to fight it

 **S2:** youse a cruisin’ for a bruisin’

 **S3:** I have noticed a trend. DD, you really want to fight a lizard, huh?

 **DD:** yes

 **SM:** boy do I got a guy for you then

 **DD:** give him to me

 **SM:** actually no.

 **DD:** every time. You take it away from me every time.

 **SM:** I’m not ready yet.

 **DD:** let me know

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : this is the lizard guy again?

 **SM:** longstanding enemy

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I can fix that

 **SM:** no

 **DD:** yes

 **SM:** you two are overprotective

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : just the right level of protective

 **DD:** agreed

 **SM:** When you agree, I know to do the opposite of whatever it is you agree on. You know that right?

 **DD:** I am insulted. Wade and I have years upon years on you in experience. Our intuition is honed.

 **SM:** remember the time you both agreed to mix vinegar and bleach to unclog a drain?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : no

 **DD:** yes

 **SM:** do you ever wonder why you don’t remember, Wade?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I don’t ask questions like that in my brain, hon

 **DD:** This was perhaps a moment of weakness.

 **SM:** uh huh. Sure it was.

 **DD:** I have things to do.

 **SM:** oh, now he has things to do, does he? Whatever. Tell us what the pastors say, Red

 **DD:** oh I will. Don’t you worry.

**BT:** Spidey 😢

 **SM:** you don’t have to do this anymore, man

 **BT:** biology is hard

 **SM:** Correct. Also, I am an idiot

 **S2:** tell us something we don’t know

 **SM:** you are rude

 **S2:** I said tell us something we don’t know

 **S4:** the biggest bird in north America is the California condor

 **SM:** I?

 **BT:** !!!!

 **BT:** HOW BIG IS IT

 **SM:** Bitsy no. BT, Focus. There will be time for bird facts later. Tell me your biology woes first.

 **BT:** no birbs?

 **SM:** birbs in 30 seconds.

 **BT:** sad.

 **BT:** okay fine. I read through the viruses and bacteria stuff you sent like six times but Idk if I actually understand anything about them. I tried to look up similar coronaviruses to get a better idea of how they work but like, I dunno man. They’re super complicated and because they’re a virus, not a bacteria, it seems tricky to do much with them. People have dedicated their whole lives to what we’re trying to read in just a couple of days. We can’t really hope to understand them as well as those guys. I think we’re just going to have to trust the experts on this one.

 **SM:** I am so glad you said that. Would you like to know why I am an idiot? It will make you feel better I think?

 **S2:** it always makes me feel better.

 **SM:** LISTEN YOU. Why are you always on? What have I done to you to deserve this treatment every goddamn day?

 **S2:** you’re you.

 **SM:** well that tracks.

 **SM:** whatever. BT, just got the instructions that apparently we were supposed to wait for before we opened the box and it is not our job to make the test. It is our job to make the box for the test.

 **BT:** are you serious rn?

 **SM:** yes

 **BT:** damn, man

 **SM:** it certainly explains why all they sent me was modeling material, I’ll give them that.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : ahhhhh

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : do you ever just wake up and think about how fuckin dumb everyone in this here group is and sigh?

 **SM:** I am not dumb I am impatient. They are different things.

 **S3:** they lead to the same things.

 **SM:** You! Are! Not! Wrong!

 **BT:** okay so I don’t have to read more about viruses?

 **SM:** that’s a negative.

 **BT:** does this mean that I can learn about the birds now?

 **S4:** yes

 **DD:** no birds

 **DD:** where are you? I have this man on the ropes. I need a witness.

 **BT:** I’m busy.

 **DD:** doing what?

 **BT:** loving life.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : not for long

**BT:** Hello, I require saving. Paging a hero.

 **SM:** I’VE MADE A BOX.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I’ve made a casserole.

 **S2:** I’m positive for COVID?

 **S3:** FUCK

 **SM:** fuck

 **S4:** oh my god

 **S2:** well this is exciting

 **SM:** what do you need?

 **S2:** everyone in my family to stop freaking out.

 **SM:** I shall send a telegram

 **S2:** thanks spidey

 **S2:** for real, I’m okay? Idk what to do about my family though. They’re negative so far?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I have a solution.

 **DD:** is it the solution I’m thinking of?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I believe it is indeed.

 **SM:** ?

 **S2:** Spidey says not to trust you guys when you agree.

 **SM:** hold on, let’s hear them out. What is your solution, Wade?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : well. I’ve already had COVID. So?

 **S2:** SLEEPOVER?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : 🥰

 **S2:** Wade you’re the best, did you know that?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I did

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I’ll come grab you, stay in your room, don’t touch shit. Tell your mama that your buddy’s got space for you.

 **S2:** the actual best. Thank you guys 😭

 **SM:** If you need anything give us a shout, okay?

 **S2:** will do

 **S3:** I am concerned.

 **SM:** don’t be. Wade is a secret mother hen.

 **S3:** Wade hoards cocaine

 **SM:** the bags are his eggs.

 **S3:** Spidey.

 **SM:** too much?

 **S3:** too much.

**SM:** hello I have made another box.

 **BT:** me too, I’m calling it Fort Dog.

 **DD:** let her out

 **BT:** never

 **S2:** hey how old is wade?

 **DD:** ancient. Civilizations have risen and fallen in his years of existence

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I’m going to say this one more time: the Soviet Union is not an ancient civilization. You were also alive during the Soviet Union’s existence, Red.

 **DD:** don’t remember it

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : That’s because you were but a bairn

 **DD:** a wain

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : no a bairn

 **S3:** what is happening?

 **SM:** DP and DD are fighting over how to say ‘toddler’ in old English.

 **DD:** I’m not touching that.

 **S2:** wait you saw the Berlin Wall come down, Red?

 **DD:** no? Well actually, maybe? I’m not sure. I think I must have been two?

 **S2:** wooooooah

 **S3:** an ancient among us.

 **DD:** an ancient? No. Wade was like six? Seven? He actually remembers it.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I mean. Barely.

 **S2:** Spidey what baby memories do you have?

 **SM:** uh. I set a toaster on fire when I was four.

 **S2:** how?

 **SM:** right, so you know fridge magnets?

 **S3:** I love this

 **SM:** I thought if I put em in the toaster then they’d pop up and spell a word in the air

 **S2:** aldfjas;dfklsf

 **SM:** they did not.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : that’s so cute

 **DD:** what word was it?

 **SM:** I uh

 **S2:** its okay spidey, I’m dying of the plague. You can tell me, I’ll take these secrets to the grave

 **SM:** you’re going to post this.

 **S2:** I would never do such a thing.

 **SM:** you’re going to have Bitsy post it.

 **S2:** I would absolutely do that thing.

 **S3:** I’m sure it’s nothing man. You were probably a cute kid.

 **SM:** It was ‘I love you’

 **S2:** AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWww

 **SM:** I know I know. My aunt and uncle kept trying to console me but like, they were laughing too hard.

 **S3:** that’s so cute. Your aunt and uncle are good people.

 **SM:** well yeah. But what exactly are you supposed to say in that situation?

 **DD:** do not touch.

 **SM:** ?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : you have story to tell too, Red?

 **DD:** no, not really. Everything in our house was “Not for you-sized fingers. Do not touch.”

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : which included?

 **DD:** many things that were perfectly sized for me-sized fingers.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : how much time did you spend in time-out, Red?

 **DD:** possibly years.

 **S2:** oh my god

 **DD:** I am not good at following directions.

 **BT:** same

 **S3:** I hated time out as a kid.

 **S2:** same

 **S4:** I never went into time out.

 **SM:** what

 **S3:** what

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : same.

 **SM:** wade.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I mean. I spent time in a dishwasher. But that wasn’t time out.

 **S2:** OH MY GOD

 **S3:** Wade 😢

 **DD:** with or without racks?

 **S2:** THAT’s your question, DD?

 **DD:** I’m just asking.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : both.

 **DD:** nice

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : right?

 **S4:** ?????!!!

 **S3:** UM

 **S2:** SPIDEY

 **SM:** you cannot possibly have thought that they had happy childhoods. Look at them.

 **D2:** this sounds like abuse?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : yeah

 **DD:** that’s the point.

 **BT:** I was not abused.

 **S2:** same

 **S3:** same

 **SM:** I mean. I was not abused by my family. I apparently sought out abuse on my own terms in a red suit in later adolescence?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : yeah. But like, where’s your backstory, kiddo??

 **SM:** my backstory is that I met you fuckheads and have been in a living hell ever since.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : awwww Red remember Webhead’s first ‘fuck?’

 **DD:** I do.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Stark tried to choke me even though I was innocent of all the crimes I was accused of.

 **DD:** sometimes you just gotta say fuck

 **S4:** can I say fuck?

 **S2:** NO

 **S3:** BITSY NO

 **SM:** WASH YOUR MOUTH OUT BITSY

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : nah you can say fuck

 **DD:** why can the boy not say fuck? This is a double standard.

 **SM:** bad! Habits!! I will be blamed!! Cap will find out!

 **DD:** ah, okay. So here’s what you do, Bitsy.

 **DD:** Gasp every time someone says fuck for the first two years of entering a new social circle.

 **DD:** establish yourself as a delicate, faint-hearted pillar in that community.

 **DD:** then the first time you say fuck in mixed company, the whole bar will part around you and cheer.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Red.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I am sensing another story.

 **DD:** I have no stories.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : you fooled how many people into thinking you were a delicate, faint-hearted pillar of the community?

 **DD:** oh, at least 65.

 **BT:** what

 **DD:** If you add on undergrad, then a solid 7 years worth of human interactions.

 **SM:** how did you not say fuck for seven years?

 **DD:** I whispered it into my pillow at night during my weekly flogging.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : **nice**

 **SM:** weekly?

 **DD:** anything less than an A+ is an unacceptable grade.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : were you an A- student, Red?

 **DD:** No. The flogging made sure of that. Summa cum Laude. There are no A-s in this house.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : does Husband have any A-s?

 **DD:** Husband is a shithead who never needed to study half as hard as the rest of us lugs.

 **BT:** did Husband get better grades than you???

 **DD:** no. Of course not. Flogging, boy. Are you not listening?

 **BT:** I’m gonna ask him.

 **DD:** ask him. See if I care.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Red, buddy.

 **SM:** There’s going to be one class.

 **DD:** There will not be.

 **S2:** what happens if there is?

 **S3:** I mean, it was ages ago, so it wouldn’t matter.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : no, it wouldn’t. Would it, Red?

 **SM:** Wade, that’s not nice. Stop.

 **S4:** If I got anything less than an A in class, I think I would cry.

 **SM:** I mean. Same. But also it doesn’t actually matter.

 **S2:** it does, though, doesn’t it Spidey? It matters to your heart.

 **SM:** no. It doesn’t matter.

 **S2:** are you sure? Are you really, really sure?

 **SM:** aren’t you supposed to be ill?

 **S3:** Girl, go lay down.

 **S2:** I am laying down. I’m just saying. Y’all have some certain personalities when it comes to grades and stuff. Us average folks don’t have those kinds of attachments.

 **SM:** What do you mean ‘kinds of attachments?’

 **S2:** oh you know.

 **BT:** Husband says that you got an 93% in a class with a guy called Werner, DD? He says he got a 97%.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : lol

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : what do you think of that Red?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Red?

 **SM:** Double D?

 **S3:** a 93%? That’s so high.

 **S4:** yeah, that’s good.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Red?

 **DD:** how could I have forgotten

 **SM:** oh shit

 **S4:** 93 is really good tho!!

 **DD:** a disgrace

 **S2:** case in point

 **S3:** not a disgrace.

 **DD:** god how the fuck did I even get a degree

 **S3:** woah, sharp turn

 **S2:** see??

 **DD:** I’m a fraud.

 **SM:** not a fraud

 **DD:** a fraud. Dishonored my father. He would be so embarrassed.

 **BT:** I thought your dad barely graduated highschool?

 **DD:** Disgraced. I’m better than this.

 **BT:** Ah. So Husband is now saying that I wasn’t supposed to bring this up.

 **DD:** I must repent.

 **SM:** Double D. It’s going to be okay. It’s been actual years, decades even, since you were in school.

 **DD:** perhaps the pandemic is punishment from God

 **SM:** o-kay. We are on a spiral now.

 **S2:** yeah, the pandemic is here to punish specifically you for getting a 93% in a class like a thousand years ago, Red. That’s totally it.

 **DD:** God works in mysterious ways. I could fix this, you know. If only I could go to CHURCH.

 **BT:** and we’re back.

 **SM:** there we go. That’s the real complaint here.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Every house is a house of god. Just pray in your living room for redemption or something.

 **DD:** pray in my living room, wade?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : yes?

 **DD:** go to hell

 **DD:** how dare you

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : woah look out. Man of god coming through

 **DD:** now you use my religion against me?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : what’re you gonna do? Kill me about it?

 **DD:** disgusting. I’m leaving. I’ve wasted enough time on this ingrate.

 **SM:** welp. I guess that’s our dismissal?

 **S2:** Seems like it

 **S2:** I’m tired.

 **SM:** I’m sorry. If you need anything give us a shout. Wade sleeps like the dead so you might have to scream at him if you can.

 **S2:** noted.

 **S3:** feel better

 **S4:** feel better!

 **S2:** thanks guys. LS out

 **S4:** hey Spidey?

 **SM:** yeah?

 **S4:** is there really not much else we can do to help people?

 **SM:** I dunno yet. Gimme some time to think about it. You think too, okay?

 **S4:** okay

 **D2:** hello. Roger that.

 **S3:** ^

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!  
> Just a reminder that if you want to make a reaction to this fic using a fake tweet generator (loads online if you google it), you are welcome to and if you submit it to me on tumblr (via chat or submission) I will post it here at the bottom of this fic as an 'audience reaction' to the posted transcript. 
> 
> The images for the last chapter just went up so go take a look!
> 
> Reaction image for this chapter is from **@memesandsocialcommentaryohmy** on tumblr, so check them out!
> 
> Image 1 [I.D.: Screen of Twitter post by TeamRed7eva. “Daredevil: I see no difference.” Two images below text. The one on the left is a sea monster with a thick neck howling into the sky. The one on the right is the Hulk doing an open-mouth battle cry. End I.D.]


	4. sugar we're going down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **S2:** Dear God, its me, Little Spidey. I know I told my coworker to go drown in acid the other day, which is probably why you gave me the plague, but if you’re listening what I could really super use right now is some divine intervention before DD calls Wade daddy again. Thanks, I love you, Amen.

**SM:** gooooooooood morning, New York

 **DD:** It is 4am

 **SM:** did I say San Fran?

 **DD:** don’t call it that

 **SM:** oh, you got Cali resident opinions now, tough guy?

 **DD:** you sound like a tourist. It is the city. Call it the city.

 **SM:** no

 **SM:** no you know better than this

 **SM:** THIS is the city

 **SM:** the Big A

 **SM:** the City so nice they named it twice

 **SM:** Center of the Universe

 **SM:** Greatest city in the world

 **DD:** yeah yeah whatever

 **SM:** you’ve betrayed your people Double D

 **DD:** this again

 **SM:** betrayed us. Left us for dead. Left us to stew in our own liquids in the gutter

 **DD:** I got a lung condition

 **SM:** okay fair

 **DD:** and a head condition

 **SM:** fair fair

 **DD:** and according to Husband an ego the size of mars

 **S2:** I AM DYING

 **SM:** There she is!! lady liberty herself! Still standing. Still shining. Gracing our lives with honor and glory.

 **S2:** I just want to SLEEP. I can’t stop coughing. Everything HURTS.

 **SM:** I’m sorry hon anything I can do?

 **S2:** Don’t! Call! Me! Hon!

 **SM:** noted babe

 **S2:** WADE

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I am literally in the kitchen

 **S2:** Tell Spidey to stop oppressing me

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Is there a reason for the texting? I am 3 feet away. I am so confused

 **DD:** she needs documented proof of a cease and desist order

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : ahhhhhhhhhh

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : okay. Spidey stop being a chauvinist pig

 **SM:** Excuse me???

 **S2:** Yeah Spidey. Stop being a pig

 **SM:** these are terms of affection???

 **S2:** I don’t want your affection. I want revenge

 **S3:** word. Guess who’s got COVID

 **SM:** NO

 **S4:** NOOO

 **S2:** eeeeeeeey

 **S3:** my fucking sister, man. Am now in quarantine. I LOVE quarantine. I’m so happy to be in quarantine.

 **SM:** it’s not so bad.

 **S3:** says the guy building a titration machine in his kitchen sink

 **SM:** I have been informed that my attempts at boxes are “interesting”

 **S3:** is that a no then?

 **SM:** I feel patronized

 **S2:** its cause youre a pig

 **SM:** listen I am trying to convey to you my love through text. If you don’t want it, just say so and I’ll expend my energies elsewhere.

 **S2:** aww did your gf block you on messenger again?

 **SM:** SHUT UP I HAVE SO MUCH LOVE TO GIVE

 **S3:** Spidey. You need. To take. The meds. You are insufferable without the meds.

 **SM:** SHUT UP SHUT UP I KNOW

 **DD:** oh nice, we’re not taking meds now?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : No

 **S2:** no

 **S3:** no, you def are

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : go on, red. Show us proof. Tongue out

 **DD:** It is 4am. Hell no. I am not due for medication for another 4 hours. I am free to be unstable.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : yes because hubbie-wubbie has trapped you, hasn’t he?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : awwww. So docile. So domestic. I bet you’d love a cuddle don’t you, Reddy-poo?

 **DD:** Come cuddle me, darlin

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : ooooh. Don’t mind if I do

 **DD:** mmm please do. I can’t wait any longer

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : how could I ever resist you

 **DD:** ravish me

 **SM:** STOP

 **S2:** I feel sick

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : The things Imma do to you honey

 **DD:** tell me more daddy

 **S3:** OH MY GOD PLEASE

 **SM:** Can we not? Can we please not?? This is why I have to take the meds to begin with

 **BT:** screenshotted. Submitted to Husband as evidence. Go to sleep, it’s 4am.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : hm. An interloper

 **DD:** ignore him he means nothing

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : you didn’t tell me you had kids

 **DD:** does it turn you on?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : hell yeah

 **SM:** GUYS

 **S2:** Dear God, its me, Little Spidey. I know I told my coworker to go drown in acid the other day, which is probably why you gave me the plague, but if you’re listening what I could really super use right now is some divine intervention before DD calls Wade daddy again. Thanks, I love you, Amen.

 **S3:** Amen

 **S4:** is this another NC-17 convo? Am I allowed to scroll up?

 **S2:** no you need to check a consent box

 **S3:** Here I made one **[image]**

 **S4:** My mom told me lying on the internet is lying to her indirectly.

 **S2:** asdafdjsfl;sakj

 **S3:** your mom is smarter than all of us put together

 **SM:** there has been a knock at the door!! This is a promise of stimulation. See ya, jerks.

**BT:** it is now morning

 **DD:** it is state-sanctioned dog walking time!

 **BT:** I’m going for my single daily state-sanctioned walk after you and Husband have handled the beasties.

 **S2:** can I come?

 **BT:** no sorry. No plague victims allowed.

 **S2:** 😢

 **BT:** its okay, you have the big guy to entertain you.

 **S2:** he’s playing harmonica

 **S3:** wha??

 **S2:** yes

 **BT:** is he…good at harmonica?

 **S2:** three guesses

 **BT:** yes

 **S3:** no

 **S4:** Somewhat!

 **SM:** oh are we talking about Wade’s hidden talents? He can play drums too

 **S3:** WHAT

 **BT:** Nailed it

 **SM:** ask him to play drums for you, girl.

 **S2:** I am now doing that.

 **BT:** Does Teach have any secret talents?

 **SM:** yeah, he can’t sing for shit.

 **BT:** I already knew that. Husband sings to him and the dogs. The dogs flee when he tries to sing back.

 **S4:** amazing

 **D2:** aw, sad. It’s the thought that counts tho. I used to be in a metal band

 **SM:** DAVID

 **S2:** DAVE

 **S3:** Dave, what?

 **S4:** that’s so cool. What did you play?

 **D2:** the scream

 **DD:** I knew I recognized your name!

 **D2:** oh no

 **D2:** sorry I have childcare to perform now

 **DD:** Get back here Husband was obsessed with your bassist for all of grad school. I have suffered and so shall you.

 **D2:** I’m afraid I smashed my head. Don’t remember any thing for the last 17 years. Sorry sorry

 **S2:** oh my god Dave you can sing??

 **S3:** **scream

 **D2:** ^

 **S2:** Do you scream softly to the Dave-child when she has a nightmare?

 **BT:** that is the cutest thing I’ve ever heard.

 **D2:** I

 **D2:** are you asking if I sang metal to my baby?

 **DD:** yes

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : oh hey David you were in a metal band? Which one?

 **D2:** none

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : If you were bringing down the walls between ’99 and 2018, I probably got a poster for you. Ran outta wall space since then unfortunately.

 **D2:** That is mortifying.

 **DD:** text me, Wade. I know which one.

 **DD:** if I am remembering properly, someone had some fucking hair.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : oooooh.

 **D2:** oh my god please don’t.

 **S2:** spidey I need your degree and skillset. I am too weak to do this research on my own.

 **SM:** I’m on it rn girl, don’t you even trip

**SM:** dave I’m going to find a picture of you if it kills me

 **D2:** die then?

 **S2:** ADFASDFJSDFASOFK

 **S4:** Dave I’m so proud of you

 **D2:** 😀

 **DD:** David I have verified that you said hello to my husband at a concert 20 years ago

 **DD:** I’m sorry but we are now mortal enemies.

 **BT:** Dave, Husband also says that its fate that has brought you two back together and he’s sorry that your bassist lost all his teeth to meth.

 **D2:** its okay, it happens. He’s in a program now and his kid’s re-owned him.

 **S2:** you know every time I think the Bronx is reaching the next level on the bullshit scale, Hell’s Kitchen comes out of left field and goes for home.

 **D2:** not everyone in HK is like that.

 **DD:** yeah what the fuck. he made up with his estranged kid?

 **DD:** privileged bastard

 **D2:** ‘lucky’

 **DD:** ‘privileged’

 **DD:** HK is gentrifying faster than you can say go.

 **D2:** that’s definitely true

 **DD:** Which reminds me. Wade I have $20 and need a favor

 **SM:** Red you can’t start a cross-country feud with Midnight Fog.

 **DD:** I can and I will

 **DD:** Rosita’s was better

 **D2:** Rosita’s was eons better. Midnight’s coffee always tastes burnt.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : oh are we talking about Rosita’s?

 **S2:** what the hell. was this place legendary?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : p much

 **SM:** Rosita never asked any questions. If you came in in a suit she’d give you 15% off like you’d brought your own cup.

 **S3:** petition to restart Rosita’s.

 **S4:** yes.

 **BT:** Boss has made friends with Fields & Co. here.

 **DD:** They are pretty good.

 **BT:** he likes them because they give him bagels.

 **DD:** I am easily bribed.

 **SM:** what the fuck? No one gives ME bagels.

 **DD:** That’s because they know you put capers on them.

 **SM:** that’s how bagels are supposed to be eaten, DD.

 **DD:** is having salted fish not enough for you?

 **SM:** says the guy who eats raw onions.

 **DD:** they provide texture. What do capers provide? Nothing. Only more salt.

 **BT:** I like capers tho?

 **DD:** disowned.

 **BT:** wow so that’s all it took huh?

 **SM:** its okay BT, you can join my crew where we are open to multiple toppings on bagels.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I like rainbow bagels.

 **S2:** OUT

 **S4:** nooooooooooo

 **S3:** Wade how could you?

 **D2:** 😰

 **S2:** I cannot stay here

 **D2:** but…why?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : colorful

 **S3:** not an excuse

 **S4:** they don’t taste like anything

 **SM:** an affront to nature

 **DD:** everything bagel or bust

 **S2:** or blueberry

 **DD:** Blueberry or everything bagel or bust

 **SM:** wade, you’ve been here for almost 20 years. Please assimilate already

 **BT:** please

 **S2:** pls

 **S4:** ^^

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I like donuts with sprinkles too

 **SM:** HEATHEN

 **DD:** Wade why

 **D2:** I’m going to cry?

 **S3:** are you too good for a maple bar?? Are old-fashions beneath you??

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Love em when they put em on straw in smoothies and shit

 **S2:** spidey save me

 **SM:** you can’t actually eat that shit, wade. It’s Instagram stuff. You’re just supposed to look. Its all actually wax.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : can confirm: is not.

 **DD:** disgusting.

 **D2:** oh hey, turn on the news folks.

**SM:** Cap has never looked so unhappy.

 **S4:** I just texted him that it’s going to be okay. Hey, does this mean that we get a camera too?

 **SM:** hell no. I’m not doing no fucking vlogs for the public. I’m already spewing my guts out through these chats.

 **S4:** ooh. Well before they do it, tell us superhero gossip, wise ones.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : real or fake?

 **S2:** wade why would we want fake gossip?

 **DD:** I started a rumor once that the Widow and Hawkeye got married in Vegas.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : HA. I remember that.

 **SM:** how did you not die?

 **DD:** great question. I have no answer.

 **S2:** wait, so they didn’t get married?

 **DD:** they might have

 **S2:** but you don’t know?

 **DD:** I might know

 **S3:** oh my god this is how it starts.

 **SM:** Someone started a rumor that I was Ironman’s illegitimate child like ten years back.

 **S2:** yeah, but you are?

 **SM:** am not

 **S4:** you aren’t?

 **SM:** am not. Sorry to disappoint. Turns out the world does not actually revolve around Tony Stark.

 **S2:** oh my god

 **S3:** shots fired

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : you look nothing like him. You require more skeeze.

 **S3:** that’s true, spidey. You do look kinda wholesome.

 **SM:** um?? I think you meant handsome.

 **S3:** no I didn’t

 **S2:** he didn’t

 **S4:** nice!

 **S4:** much nicer than I expected!

 **SM:** wh

 **SM:** what is that supposed to mean?

 **S4:** oh. I just thought you’d be all tall dark and handsome, you know?

 **S2:** same

 **S3:** ^

 **SM:** I am?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : pft

 **SM:** Shut up. I am

 **D2:** you are very handsome.

 **SM:** thank you dave. Me and Dave are now a 2 man team. The rest of youse can go fuck yourselves.

 **BT:** I thought you’d be like, proportional. Idk why

 **SM:** I AM PROPORTIONAL.

 **S2:** bottom heavy

 **SM:** say it again

 **S2:** …

 **SM:** don’t try me child

 **S2:** …

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : lil heart-shaped face ❤

 **SM:** you’re not helping sir

 **S2:** …

 **S3:** you do kinda got some cheek going on man. It’s not a bad thing. Just makes you kinda soft.

 **SM:** how

 **SM:** DD how do I make the cheek go away?

 **DD:** patience

 **SM:** I don’t got that, I’ve got 10 years to live left max

 **DD:** oh okay.

 **DD:** no more capers.

 **SM:** idk what I expected from you

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : it’s not fat hon that’s how your face is shaped. Accept it. Move on.

 **SM:** I want…a chin.

 **S2:** you have a chin.

 **SM:** I want more chin. A double chin. Like Red.

 **S3:** okay? Get fillers.

 **SM:** on my chin??

 **S3:** sure, why not?

 **SM:** Red do you have fillers?

 **DD:** no I have been informed that I have square-face genes.

 **SM:** can you share them?

 **DD:** I would, but the source is long dead and the thought of having a real life sibling is physically paralyzing.

 **BT:** I want more chin and less jaw.

 **S3:** noooooo

 **SM:** no BT, you’re adorable. You have to stay that way.

 **BT:** why

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : cancels out red

 **DD:** I need no cancelling I too am adorable

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : yes, and one day I will figure out how you have convinced every woman in the state of this, but for now, it is too dangerous. You need a scar. Here, I’ll do you one for free.

 **BT:** I don’t want to be adorable. I want to be feared.

 **DD:** I fear you

 **BT:** aw, teach thanks

 **S3:** you’re very scary, BT, don’t worry.

 **S4:** he is?

 **S2:** bitsy

 **S4:** oh right.

 **S4:** no, you def are

 **BT:** 🙃

 **BT:** I am insulted. I am going to go for my single, daily state-sanctioned walk and cleanse myself of all your shit vibes.

 **DD:** take the princess

 **BT:** make me

**DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : that kid never learns

 **SM:** I mean, same.

 **S2:** hey I’m tired

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I shall sing you to sleep

 **S2:** please don’t

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I know half of a beatles song I’m prepared

 **SM:** he’s going to sing you Pink Floyd

 **S2:** I don’t need serenading. I need a drink.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : on it

 **S3:** aw. Wade’s a good carer.

 **SM:** yeah

 **S3:** has your girl unblocked you yet?

 **SM:** yeah. I had to take the meds in front of her on video chat.

 **S3:** your girl’s a good carer too

 **SM:** ehn

 **SM:** my friend in Wakanda just texted and told me that she’s being sent out to help work on vaccine research in China.

 **S3:** oh shit. That’s hella cool. Which friend?

 **SM:** classified.

 **S3:** right

 **S3:** did you date this friend?

 **SM:** negative

 **S3:** did you **want** to date this friend?

 **SM:** information unknown

 **S4:** what does that mean?

 **SM:** confused. Did not act on confused feelings.

 **S4:** ooooooooh

 **S4:** Hey I have confused feelings.

 **SM:** OH?

 **S3:** !!

 **S2:** I am back. Tell me everything.

 **S4:** It’s math

 **S3:** **☹**

 **S2:** goddamnit. I’m going back to being miserable.

 **S2:** in new news I can’t taste or smell anything. Have chugged half an orange Gatorade. This is proof.

 **SM:** oh god

 **S4:** spidey help me do math

 **SM:** what?

 **SM:** do I look like your teacher? No. Go ask your teacher.

 **S4:** She’s helping everyone else tho

 **SM:** I got news for you, kid: you’re everyone else too.

 **S4:** I don’t want to be everyone else. I want to be spiderman.

 **SM:** I got more news for you

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I will help with math

 **DD:** NO. I have learned math recently. I will do it.

 **BT:** do not trust him. He is lying to you.

 **S4:** BT! Help me do math! You’re so good at math!

 **BT:** …me?

 **S4:** yeah! Who else would I be talking to?

 **BT:** praise scares me. What kind of math?

 **S4:** Calculus

 **S3:** I’m out

 **SM:** oh that’s fine then. Ask me anything about calculus.

 **S4:** when will I ever use this in my life ever?

 **SM:** um? Often? If you live my type of existence?

 **BT:** you use calculus all the time friend! You’re just doing it in the context of physics!

 **S3:** aw. BT’s got a good way of explaining it. Big Brother Energy.

 **SM:** what’s that

 **D2** : sorry, how in god’s name are you taking calculus right now, bitsy?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : yeah, what the fuck is calculus, amiright?

 **DD:** numbers. Arrows.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : oh no shit?

 **DD:** yes

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : what do they do?

 **DD:** graphs

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : what do those do?

 **DD:** something.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : hm. Yes.

 **D2:** What are the graphs for?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : the arrows, David. Keep up. Jesus.

 **S4:** why do I have to do this if none of these guys know how to do it?

 **SM:** Bitsy, you are looking at 2 social science majors and a military grunt. They are not your examples.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I wasn’t even a good military grunt 😊

 **DD:** yes you were?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : shut UP red.

 **DD:** oh sorry

 **D2:** I didn’t do social science? I did exercise science?

 **S4:** what’s that?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : degrees for jocks

 **D2:** pretty much

 **S4:** you didn’t go in for music?

 **D2:** oh no. This is post-band days. I had a kid who needed raising. I needed a practical degree.

 **S4:** that’s super sad dave

 **D2:** ??

 **DD:** its not like that kiddo.

 **DD:** some of us just need jobs more than we need school

 **S4:** right sorry I get that

 **BT:** call me I will help with the homework.

**CA:** hello is this the web?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Well hello there, soldier

 **CA:** oh wow. That’s you alright.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : did you drop by for a little snack, by chance?

 **CA:** no I just needed to talk to Spidey. Remembered you all sent me a link for a job a while back and the small, bendy one is not answering his phone.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : which small bendy one? That’s half the team.

 **CA:** The first one?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : oh. I reminded him Bill Nye has another series on Netflix and he’s been silent for hours. You need something?

 **CA:** yes

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : well go ahead and ask then, sugar. I’ve got you covered.

 **CA:** Please don’t call me that

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : is ‘baby’ better?

 **CA:** no

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : how about ‘dollface?’ Your attack dog calls you that, doesn’t he?

 **CA:** Wade can you just ask Spidey if he knows where the navy jumpdrive from AY7004 went?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : is that a code?

 **CA:** Mission number?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : did you…lose it? This jumpdrive?

 **CA:** yes?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : you sure?

 **CA:** I

 **CA:** was?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : oh I see. Well. Just asking, you know. You know how the kids are: judgmental and all that.

 **CA:** right

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : so

 **CA:** wade I just need the answer to that one question

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : what’re you doing this fine day in the Big Apple, huh?

 **CA:** nothing? I’m at home? Are you out?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : that’s a negative.

 **CA:** oh good.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : have an invalid on my couch.

 **CA:** that’s less good. Are they okay?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : small but sturdy. They will live.

 **CA:** do you want something, Wade?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : yes

 **CA:** is it a date?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : it is

 **CA:** I think we’ve had this conversation a few times.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : we have

 **CA:** so I’m afraid its still a no.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : too bad

 **CA:** sure. So. Can you?? Ask the Spiderkid? Please?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : hm

 **DD:** who is ‘CA?’

 **CA:** oh thank god. Hi Daredevil. It’s me, Cap.

 **DD:** which cap

 **CA:** Rogers Cap

 **DD:** oh, hello. Did you need something?

 **CA:** yes, actually.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : a date

 **CA:** a jumpdrive’s backup’s location

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : with me

 **CA:** Spidey was the one who filed it.

 **DD:** right let me try to call him. He and BT are streaming Bill Nye

 **CA:** BT?

 **CA:** who’s BT?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : 😊 wouldn’t you like to know? 😊

 **CA:** is that a threat?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : maybe 🙃🙂🙃🙂

 **CA:** I will look into this.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Or I could just tell you.

 **CA:** I’m really not looking for another partner, Wade. I’m sorry.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : for sure.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : how about

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : maybe

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : a **replacement** for one of them then?

 **CA:** I can’t just swap Wilsons, Wade. That’s not how this works.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : just close your eyes

 **CA:** right, Daredevil, any time now would be great

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : lie back and think of England

 **CA:** why would I think of England?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : idk. No one lays back and thinks of New York.

 **CA:** I? Do?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : oh dear

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : well, that’s fine. Minor drawback. I can work with that.

 **S2:** wade you are NOT harassing captain America right now. That is NOT what I just woke up to you doing, is it? Because you are setting a good example for Bitsy, aren’t you?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : …I must away.

 **S2:** uh huh. That’s what I thought. Begone thot

 **CA:** thot?

 **S2:** !!

 **S4:** oh hey cap! What’s up?

 **CA:** what is ‘thot?’

 **S4:** !!

**SM:** what the fuck is going on here

 **CA:** oh, hello! There you are!

 **SM:** Bitsy. Little Spidey. The LAST thing he needs is slang. Get the fuck out.

 **CA:** wow that’s a tone to take with your team, isn’t it? They’re okay. I’m learning.

 **SM:** what happened to AY7004?

 **CA:** ah yes.

 **SM:** nvm don’t tell me

 **CA:** but you asked?

 **SM:** I know and I regretted it immediately

 **CA:** okay so it was

 **SM:** DON’T tell me

 **CA:** ?? So you don’t want to know?

 **SM:** no. I don’t. What do you need?

 **CA:** Jumpdrive back up from that. Navy blue. 64gb.

 **SM:** in the evidence box. Submitted to lawyers on Feb 21. Why?

 **CA:** oh because

 **SM:** nvm I don’t want to know

 **CA:** I am receiving mixed messages.

 **SM:** fuck me. Alright go on. What happened to it? Just rip off the bandaid.

 **CA:** eaten.

 **SM:** I’m

 **SM:** **no**

 **CA:** unfortunately yes. Very sorry about that.

 **SM:** by what?

 **CA:** unclear. Appears to be an alien cat. White and black. JB is tracking it. Very inconvenient since we can’t spend much time in the street at the moment.

 **SM:** …do you have a picture?

 **CA:** oh! I sure do.

 **DD:** cat?

 **CA:** here you go **[image] [image]**

 **SM:** oh god

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : MOTHERFUCKER ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

**\--**

****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> keep on keeping on, y'all!! Wash your hands and stay inside! We've still got a ways to go yet, but we can do this so long as we all stay on board!
> 
> This chapter's reaction image comes from **@themysteriousinternetentity** on tumblr. Major thank you and check them out!
> 
> Image 1 [I.D.: Screen of Twitter post by arachnofauxbitch, “how long before the spiders&co get so bored that they give us the musical recording we all need after these shocking reveals. #SpideyLogs #LetDaveScream.” End I.D.]
> 
> If you want to make a tweet, please do so and submit it to me on tumblr @deniigi


	5. lucky 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **DD:** I never say this
> 
>  **DD:** but I am in desperate need of a hero.
> 
>  **S2:** To the rescue!
> 
>  **DD:** a non-COVID infected hero.
> 
>  **S2:** Back to the couch!

**SM:** which one of you sent me the mug?

 **S4:** 😊

 **SM:** you

 **SM:** I am keeping you.

 **SM:** the rest of you are fired

 **S2:** I’m on sick leave

 **SM:** oh right

 **SM:** When you’re back on duty, you’re fired.

 **S2:** thanks man

 **S3:** mug??

 **BT:** how did you bring it in?

 **SM:** how do you think I brought it in?

 **BT:** dinosaur grabber

 **SM:** wh

 **SM:** what?

 **BT:** **[image]**

 **S2:** WAAAAAAAAADE

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : yes small human?

 **S2:** I need one of those

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : oh okay

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I don’t got one

 **S2:** damn

 **DD:** what is it?

 **SM:** dino head on a stick. Mouth opens and it grabs packages apparently.

 **S3:** I don’t think it’s used for grabbing packages.

 **BT:** grabs packages. Definitely does.

 **D2:** oh my kid has like 4 of them. You want one?

 **S2:** DAVE

 **S2:** you are the only man in the world who matters.

 **S2:** yes I want one

 **SM:** don’t you have a brother?

 **S2:** what are you, a cop? Mind your business.

 **SM:** I could be a cop.

 **S4:** spidey cop

 **S4:** driving a spidey car

 **S4:** wearing a spidey badge

 **SM:** I

 **S3:** sounds like batman

 **BT:** no, no I live with batman. That doesn’t sound like batman.

 **DD:** husband?

 **BT:** no you

 **DD:** I’m batman? No one told me. Adding it to the agony list

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Red isn’t batman

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : not enough money

 **DD:** I have money

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : how much

 **DD:** 5 pennies

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : loan me one

 **DD:** sure

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : here’s a dime

 **DD:** I don’t got change for a dime. You’re gonna have to give me 5 more pennies

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I just gave you a dime

 **DD:** yeah but I don’t got change. So I’m going to need more pennies.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : oh shit

 **S2:** Spidey. My soul is dying. Do something about them.

 **SM:** so my mug

 **S4:** it’s so cool!!

 **SM:** I love it.

 **S4:** I’m glad

 **S2:** piccychures

 **SM:** **[image]**

 **S2:** WOAH

 **S3:** Bitsy where did you get that? I need one immediately

 **BT:** what

 **DD:** ?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : aw Red. You remember Lisa Frank?

 **DD:** loved lisa frank

 **DD:** was informed on multiple occasions as a child however that this was not gender appropriate

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : add it to the agony list

 **DD:** yes yes adding it now

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : mug is lisa frank dolphins.

 **DD:** this is my aesthetic

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : yeah same

 **S4:** it says ‘blissfully succumb to the whirling blackness of eternal oblivion.’

 **BT:** Lisa Frank didn’t say that

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : nah, hon. Plath

 **S2:** eh?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Sylvia

 **S2:** um?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : the bell jar?? What the fuck do they teach y’all in schools these days?

 **DD:** did not read

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : you ain’t missing that much I guess. It’s pretty whack

 **DD:** I did read Great Expectations when I was 8

 **SM:** I read the Magic School Bus books when I was 8

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I lost both my front teeth when I was 8

 **S2:** oh my god

 **S2:** baby wade. No teeth.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : blood everywhere

 **S3:** disgusting.

 **S3:** we shouldn’t lose teeth

 **S3:** we should just keep them

 **S2:** in rows

 **S4:** Spidersharks

 **SM:** um? Not to be that guy but shouldn’t spiders have like, no teeth?

 **S2:** get out

 **S3:** that’s horrible

 **BT:** y’all should drink your meals.

 **S2:** I already do

 **S2:** it’s called ‘soup’

 **DD:** soup is the worst food

 **D2:** ^

 **S2:** Dave I trusted you

 **D2:** soup is boring?

 **DD:** all tastes the same.

 **S2:** says a guy who eats lemons whole??

 **DD:** everyone eats lemons

 **S2:** WHOLE??

 **DD:** everyone eats lemons whole

 **S2:** FACT CHECK: Raise your hand right now if you eat lemons whole

 **DD:** do not be shy this is normal behavior.

 **S2:** anyone? Anyone?

 **S2:** no. Didn’t think so.

 **S2:** where is your god now red?

 **DD:** oh did you not hear?

 **BT:** teach you cannot still be mad about this

 **DD:** he has a house

 **BT:** Teach it is immoral to still be mad about this

 **DD:** sorry you must not know about it because it’s still CLOSED

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Red, the fucking pope is saying prayers on a live stream. Relax. If he can say prayers at home, then you can too.

 **DD:** God can’t hear me in my living room I’ve tried

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : that’s ‘cause you keep asking him for shit he can’t give you

 **DD:** like WHAT

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : a break

 **DD:** how the fuck did you know I asked for that?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : oh

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : you haven’t heard?

 **SM:** guys, I need you to stop antagonizing each other for ten minutes. I am TRYING to talk about my mug here.

 **S4:** it’s a very good mug

 **SM:** it’s an excellent mug. Also my work is calling me again. Answer or no?

 **S2:** is it Work-work or Work-work-work?

 **SM:** Work-work. It is my understanding that Wade has handed the cat over into Avengers custody so that’s not on my plate anymore.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : you’re damn right I have

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : fucking freeloader

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I got a thousand people trying to pry into my damn cat’s potential pregnancy now

 **S2:** if she has half-alien babies, then what are you gonna do with them?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : feed em to the rats

 **SM:** ☹

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : no

 **SM:** ☹ ☹ ☹

 **S4:** I thought Red and Spidey were gonna divide em up?

 **DD:** yes

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : no

 **DD:** if they are aliens I am not allergic to them. I am only allergic to earth cats.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : not true

 **SM:** DD you’re allergic to what’s his face—StarGod or whatever.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : who the hell’s that?

 **SM:** Starface? Starknight? Star something. Idk the one with the steampunk face thing.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Moonknight?

 **SM:** no, he don’t got a steampunk mask Wade I just said this

 **S2:** Who’s moonknight?

 **SM:** don’t ask

 **DD:** don’t ask

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : a piece of fucking work

 **S4:** are we gonna meet him?

 **SM:** god I hope not

 **DD:** cross your fingers you don’t

 **SM:** he got confused once and thought Red was someone else out of the horns and chased him for miles through the city

 **DD:** I should do the boston marathon.

 **SM:** then he decided that he was me a few years back and shit got out of hand

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : yeah he tried? To flirt? With me?

 **S2:** yikes

 **S3:** oof

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : we don’t have that kind of relationship, do we, Webs?

 **SM:** mortifying.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : the headlines

 **SM:** m o r t i f y i n g

 **SM:** my friends were calling me for days

 **S2:** why?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : turns out that if you make friends with someone half your age, people automatically assume you’re grooming them

 **DD:** that is not an unreasonable assumption

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : not all of us are the products of cults, Red darling

 **DD:** you don’t know that

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : everyone please name the cult you joined as an adolescent

 **S2:** One Direction

 **S3:** marching band

 **S4:** Acadec?

 **SM:** marching band AND acadec

 **S2:** god spidey you nerd

 **S2:** what, did you also do robotics club?

 **SM:** …yes

 **S2:** GOD

 **S4:** should I do robotics club?

 **SM:** it was in college, though!

 **S2:** SURE it was

 **SM:** it was!!

 **S3:** Robotics club isn’t a cult. Marching band is a cult.

 **SM:** ^^

 **S2:** Fine. What did you play, Spidey? S3 has a cool instrument. What nerd thing did you play?

 **S3:** I’m cool?

 **S4:** hella cool

 **S3:** oh my god

 **SM:** …French horn.

 **SM:** or you know, mellophone for marching

 **S3:** mm

 **S4:** what’s that?

 **S2:** hm

 **SM:** they are beautiful instruments worthy of love and respect that are difficult to play thank you very much

 **S3:** no shit?

 **S3:** I wouldn’t have pegged you as a brass guy

 **SM:** I know. I have mallet-people energy

 **D2:** I played trumpet

 **S3:** SHUNNED

 **SM:** SHUNNNNNNNNEd

 **S4:** I thought you were in a metal band, Dave?

 **D2:** I was. But in highschool I played trumpet for a few years

 **S3:** disgusting

 **SM:** 😢

 **BT:** what’s happening?

 **S2:** idk people with musical talent are having feelings

 **DD:** oh right.

 **DD:** I think that there are stereotypes for people who play instruments.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : no shit?

 **DD:** an assumption. The closest I ever came to music was having to suffer through Sister Act 2 twice a semester.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : what do you mean ‘suffer?’

 **BT:** I like Sister Act

 **BT:** Let’s watch Sister Act

 **DD:** you do that, I’m going to go climb into the compost bin and wait until pick up day

 **BT:** good. its where you belong

**DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : this kid seriously never learns

 **SM:** no, apparently not

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : red’s gonna have a heart attack if they keep this shit up

 **S2:** good

 **SM:** teammate

 **S2:** bad

 **SM:** better

 **D2:** Wade what happened to your cat?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : we aren’t fucking talking about it, David

 **D2:** right sorry

 **D2:** ah. My kid asked me why you all call me Dave the other day.

 **S3:** and you told her..?

 **D2:** that Deadpool has a shitty sense of humor

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : excuse you?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : this sense of humor pays my fucking bills

 **S2:** I thought that murder paid your bills

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I’m a show package, honey. Top to bottom. That’s why I’m so expensive.

 **S4:** but why ARE you so expensive, Wade? Like, for real?

 **SM:** his insurance policy is through the roof

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : papa’s gotta protect his assets.

 **S3:** I hate myself for asking this

 **S3:** but what are your assets?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : guess

 **S3:** I don’t want to

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : guessssss

 **S3:** Spidey, help

 **SM:** no man can help you now

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : **guess**

 **S3:** oh my god

 **S3:** fine

 **S3:** is it ‘this ass and tits?’

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : THIS ASS AND THESE TITTIES BOY

 **S3:** there he goes

 **S4:** wowie

 **S2:** Wade your tits aren’t even that big. Captain America was just here and his tits are bigger than yours and mine combined

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : do you want to die 😍

 **S2:** well it’s either you or COVID so?

 **SM:** TEAMmates y’all

 **S2:** okay okay sorry. Wade your tits are huge

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : and?

 **S2:** expensive

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : and??

 **S2:** classy as fuck

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : thank you. all is forgiven.

 **SM:** I am suddenly exhausted. Me and my mug are going to take a nap.

**BT:** we’re watching Sister Act 😊

 **S4:** fun!

 **BT:** so fun ❤

 **DD:** someone please end it all for me now

 **BT:** bonding time 💕

 **DD:** I am having flashbacks to being choked with a tie in school bathroom

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : sorry, what?

 **DD:** we had uniforms

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : and picture day. Right?

 **DD:** you will find evidence over my dead body

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I will find evidence in the bosom of your mother

 **DD:** oh

 **DD:** nevermind

 **DD:** good luck

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : she loves me

 **DD:** she is ambivalent towards you from afar

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : for your family? That is love in its most concentrated form.

 **BT:** my favorite part of Sister Act II is the singing.

 **DD:** I never say this

 **DD:** but I am in desperate need of a hero.

 **S2:** To the rescue!

 **DD:** a non-COVID infected hero.

 **S2:** Back to the couch!

 **S3:** sorry DD. In quarantine.

 **S4:** I’ll save you! So long as your state is still accepting interstate travel? I think I need to self isolate for like 14 days when I get there. Is that cool?

 **DD:** I’m calling Hawkeye. You’re all dead to me.

 **S2:** ew you just want to flirt with him

 **S4:** hey is Spidey okay?

 **S2:** ? Probably taking a nap

 **S2:** you know how he is. Coldblooded. Needs sun to recharge.

 **S4:** weird. His bestie just texted me to ask if I could call him?

 **S3:** …

 **S2:** …

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : …welp

**BT:** heyyyyy Spidey. Anytime you want to answer your damn phone would be great ❤❤❤❤

 **BT:** Everyone is kind of freaking out

 **SM:** sry

 **BT:** oh thank god there you are

 **SM:** ca;t txt vy well

 **BT:** …

 **BT:** can’t text very well?

 **SM:** ys

 **BT:** why?

 **SM:** dnno? Fuzzy

 **BT:** can you breathe?

 **SM:** ? mbe

 **BT:** …

 **BT:** okay you stay right there and be pretty okay? I will be right back.

**DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I’m a fucking angel.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : someone call me a fucking angel

 **S2:** you’re an angel

 **S3:** you’re an angel

 **BT:** You’re an Angel thank you for keeping our friend and companion from asphyxiating on his kitchen floor

 **SM:** IM SORRY WADE

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : don’t you fucking move

 **SM:** IM NOT. AUNT IS YELLING AT ME IM STILL SORRY

 **DD:** stop shouting. scared the shit out of us, kid

 **SM:** I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry

 **S2:** Spidey you could have fucking died that’s not cool. There’s no way to take you to a hospital like this.

 **SM:** I know I’m really sorry I should have seen it coming

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Christ

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : well now you’ve been triply exposed to the Rona V.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : at least your aunt has already had it

 **S2:** yeah at least y’all are isolating together now

 **SM:** she’s so mad I didn’t even do anything

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : who’s looking into your apartment?

 **SM:** JBB told me he’d ‘secure the perimeter’

 **DD:** well that is something. Nothing is getting past him.

 **S3:** what was it exactly?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : cannister. Place was full of gas by the time I got there.

 **S2:** okay listen. Attempted murder isn’t allowed during a pandemic

 **S2:** the planet is already trying to kill us

 **SM:** I’m okay though!!

 **SM:** but also my security deposit 😰

 **S3:** you and that security deposit

 **SM:** I was doing so well

 **BT:** I don’t think they can take money out of your security deposit for a murder attempt

 **DD:** cannot. You are not at fault.

 **S3:** Can confirm. Security deposit is fine.

 **SM:** my landlord is a piece of shit tho

 **DD:** word

 **S3:** amen to that

 **S2:** my fam’s landlord is actually pretty decent but she’s like, our neighbor

 **SM:** 😥😥😥

 **S3:** it’s gonna be okay Spidey. Focus on spending quality pandemic time with your aunt. Also, welcome to the COVID club. You’ve pretty much got it now.

 **SM:** sighhhhhhh

**BT:** Spidey

 **SM:** don’t talk to me I’m in COVID land

 **BT:** you can’t give it to me through the phone

 **SM:** UGH

 **S2:** Isn’t it great, Spidey? Can’t you feel it?

 **SM:** girl if you think some bum lungs are gonna stop me from staggering my ass over to Wade’s place you got another thing comin’

 **DD:** ah

 **DD:** no leaving.

 **SM:** UGH

 **SM:** I KNOW already

 **DD:** I have contacted someone to deliver food for you

 **SM:** is it hawkeye? It’s hawkeye isn’t it

 **DD:** yes

 **SM:** Double D he’s gonna want to chat and then we’re gonna get him sick and its gonna be a whole fucking thing

 **DD:** not to worry, he caught it in the first week it was here.

 **S3:** lol classic hawkeye

 **SM:** yikes. Is he okay?

 **DD:** is okay. Bored now. 2 weeks in recovery. Requires stimulation. Is running errands for others.

 **SM:** oh

 **SM:** I guess that’s okay then?

 **DD:** He will cheer you up.

 **SM:** I doubt that but thanks?

**SM:** DD!!

 **DD:** yes?

 **SM:** you’re my favorite superhero and I’m sorry I doubted you.

 **DD:** Oh I do love a groveling

 **DD:** I’m glad your delivery found you safe and sound.

 **S2:** ?

 **S4:** hello

 **S4:** sleeby

 **S3:** nap?

 **S4:** it’s evening?

 **SM:** puppy

 **S3:** puppy??

 **S4:** **puppy.**

 **S3:** it doesn’t take much for you, does it, bitsy?

 **S2:** Yo he brought Lucky??? No fair, Bella won’t even look at me.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : drooling animal.

 **SM:** such a good boy. He’s getting a bath tonight. So we got to love on him.

 **BT:** their Majesties do not appreciate our peasant bathing facilities. They are spoiled and used to their groomer.

 **DD:** As they should be

 **BT:** you treat them better than you treat me.

 **DD:** aw would you like to lodge a complaint?

 **BT:** yes

 **DD:** excellent there is a complaint box in the kitchen

 **BT:** is the blue one with the triangle on it?

 **DD:** now you’re starting to get the hang of this

 **BT:** I’m telling Life Partner 2 you’re being a dick

 **DD:** Please do

 **BT:** I’ll be back.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Red, that’s your apprentice man. Maybe chill out a little?

 **DD:** absolutely not.

 **DD:** the key to successful apprentice is to crush their will

 **S2:** this is more cult stuff

 **S3:** correct!

 **DD:** not cult stuff. I was only marginally attached to a cult

 **S4:** what does that mean?

 **S4:** like did you only go on the weekends or something?

 **BT:** …

 **SM:** oh hey Blindspot. Why the long pause?

 **DD:** Was she helpful?

 **BT:** …no.

 **DD:** ah. Too bad for you.

 **BT:** I’m gonna put tacks in your shoes

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : atta boy

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : strike while the iron’s hot

 **BT:** is that permission for indoor soldering?

 **DD:** no

 **BT:** sounds like permission

 **DD:** it is not.

 **BT:** Sorry I’ve got stuff happening suddenly in my room. Ttyl

 **DD:** Wade.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : No can do, Red. It’s karma.

**HK:** hey hey hey

 **S2:** Hawkguy!

 **S3:** hello!

 **S4:** Hi!!

 **HK:** sup yall? Where is your leader?

 **S4:** which one? I think the old guys are all busy rn

 **HK:** bummer.

 **S4:** Hey can we see your dog please?

 **HK:** The Luckster? Sure thing lemme find one of his glamor shots

 **S4:** **yes.**

 **S3:** Bitsy, you should talk to your parents about this animal obsession.

 **S2:** he’s deprived, it’s not his fault.

**HK: [image] [image] [image] [image]**

**S4:** **yes.**

 **S4:** thank you!!

 **HK:** no problem.

 **HK:** hey, can y’all tell the Spiderkid that we have located his assailant and it wasn’t the guy he said it probably was? It’s some guy calling himself Rhino?

 **SM:** MOTHERFUCKER

 **HK:** oh that works too

 **SM:** That bastard. I’m finding his house and coughing on his counter.

 **HK:** oh chemical warfare. Nice. Inhumane. Probably against Geneva Convention.

 **SM:** when did you find out?

 **HK:** when JB tackled him in the street

 **SM:** did he fall?

 **HK:** yes?

 **SM:** did he fall hard?

 **HK:** I mean, with the arm, JB weighs about 240lbs, so yeah. He went down hard.

 **SM:** good

 **SM:** motherfucker

 **HK:** lol. Kid your fury will never not be funny. Anyways, the good news is that the coast is clear. The bad news is that your landlord is saying that its your responsibility to replace the window.

 **SM:** I knew this would happen

 **HK:** I mean, if you want it replaced, I can do it for you?

 **S3:** that’s a no. It’s the landlord’s responsibility to replace it. If Spidey didn’t break it, he’s not liable.

 **DD:** agreed. But your landlord will probably try to pin it on you anyways.

 **DD:** get a document from the police saying you didn’t break it and email a scanned copy of it.

 **DD:** CC lawyer if nec.

 **SM:** thanks guys 😞

 **S3:** Let us know how it goooooes

 **S2:** S3’s ready to fight a bitch

 **S3:** I’m very good at paperwork and tenants’ rights!!

 **HK:** Oh nice

 **SM:** wait aren’t you a landlord, Clint?

 **HK:** lol yeah

 **DD:** unfortunate

 **S3:** yikes

 **S3:** awkward

 **S3:** I mean for you. Not us.

 **HK:** nah my tenants are great

 **DD:** I thought one dyed your carpets the other week?

 **HK:** I mean lets be honest they look way better in red

 **S2:** wh

 **S2:** what color were they before?

 **HK:** fuck if I know

 **SM:** optimal landlord

 **DD:** you stopping rent Clint?

 **HK:** what? Duh? I exposed all those poor saps to my Coronavirused ass. They deserve hazard pay.

 **S2:** possible contender for best avenger?

 **HK:** hell no. Do NOT saddle me with that bullshit

 **HK:** best avenger is Nat. Obviously.

 **DD:** so she’s reading these things is she?

 **HK:** can neither confirm nor deny, champ. You know how it is.

 **DD:** Natasha if you’re reading this no I have not forgotten about the sweater and yes I still want it back

 **HK:** which sweater?

 **DD:** cashmere

 **HK:** good luck man

 **DD:** I liked it

 **S2:** pft DD likes cashmere. Bougie as fuck

 **DD:** fight me

 **S2:** come here and I will.

 **DD:** gladly

 **SM:** how many damn times do I have to say that we’re all on the same team?

 **S3:** give it up spidey, they’re never going to love each other.

 **S2:** I could take you with one hand old man

 **DD:** oh could you now?

 **S2:** yeah, all I got to do is stick your giant blockhead in between some bannister railings and I’m golden

 **DD:** My what

 **S2:** you heard me

 **DD:** I’ll have you know that many people find this blockhead attractive

 **S2:** and who among them has got so much as a lick of taste, huh?

 **DD:** !

 **S2:** hmmmm?

 **DD:** all of them?

 **S2:** aw, did your mom tell you that?

 **DD:** !!

 **DD:** you

 **DD:** are

 **DD:** so

 **DD:** unspeakably

 **DD:** rude?

 **BT:** lol yeah but honest.

**DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : literally that boy never learns. Shit’s impressive. Someone needs to separate them, though, or they’re both gonna die

 **HK:** nah a lil fightin is healthy

 **SM:** how much is a little?

 **HK:** I mean potato potato

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Barton.

 **HK:** yeah man?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : nothing. Please continue.

 **HK:** lol

 **S3:** potato potato?

 **S4:** I think he means po-tay-to po-tah-to?

 **S3:** no one in the known universe says po-tah-to.

 **HK:** no I meant the first one. Like potatoes and oranges.

 **SM:** RED. Come back. Your friend is weird.

 **SM:** RED.

\--

Image:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Link to Peter's mug image: https://www.dailydot.com/unclick/nihilisa-frank-tumblr-nihilism-art/
> 
> Image [ID: Image of four smiling dolphins swimming in a circle. One is purple, one is pink, one is green, and one is blue. They are surrounded by tropical fish, bubbles, and a rainbow of coral beneath them. In the center of the circle of dolphins “blissfully succumb to the whirling blackness of eternal oblivion” is written in rainbow text. End I.D.]
> 
> Reminder that you can submit reaction images to these chats! New ones have been added to the other chapters! Make one and submit it to me @deniigi on tumblr


	6. do the man a moose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **JB:** have entered chat, over.  
>  **CA:** why are you talking like that?  
>  **JB:** Mission in progress, over.  
>  **S4:** Thanks guys you’re awesome.  
>  **JB:** we know, over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The majority of the spideys are unfortunately pretty sick at this point in time.  
> So have some guest stars.

**Little Spidey (Pink)** : hey y’all. Sorry for the couple of days without chats. Everyone in our group pretty much feels like ass right now. We’ll have something up for y’all pretty soon.

 **Spiderman 4.0** : hello twitter! Our leader is locked in brave and glorious combat with Rona V. And so is Pink. And so is S3. But not to worry, your man Bitsy is still up and fighting. So for the time being, please take the Adventures of Bitsy, Blindspot, Bucky, and Captain America for your weekly entertainment.

 **Blindspot** : Bitsy and I are holding down the fort this week as Spidey and LS and S4 recover. They’re doing okay, guys, thanks for asking. While I wish we could play you the audio of Spidey dueting with Wade in a harmonica and ukulele Facetime concert for the ages from this last week, I’m afraid the wheezing and coughing might be a little too close to home rn.

**SM:** I’m TIRED

 **S2:** me TOO

 **S3:** me THREE

 **S4:** are we going in order?

 **SM:** I’m taking a NAP

 **S2:** me TOO

 **S3:** me THREE

 **BT:** okay bye guys

 **DD:** Mail is here

 **S4:** Bye DD!

 **BT:** He’ll only be distracted for like half an hour, don’t worry.

 **BT:** in the meantime what shall we do?

 **S4:** beatbox

 **BT:** oh okay. You start

 **S4:** I have a confession to make

 **BT:** is it that you can’t beatbox?

 **S4:** yes

 **S4:** sorry

 **BT:** that’s okay I can’t either.

 **S4:** oh! I know what I can do!

 **BT:** alright go on

 **S4:** nevermind, Dad said I can only go outside once a day so I’ve gotta use it wisely.

 **BT:** pft. Dads. Who needs em?

 **S4:** me. I am small and have no money.

 **BT:** I mean, same. But do I need a dad for that? Nah.

 **S4:** DD is your dad

 **BT:** say it again

 **S4:** no you’re scary

 **BT:** 🙂

 **S4:** maybe we should tell a story

 **BT:** what kind of story?

 **S4:** a cool one

 **BT:** okay I’ll start. Once upon a time, in the Song Dynasty

 **S4:** Idk what that is. Music land?

 **BT:** …China. It’s old China.

 **S4:** oooooh. Okay, go on. Sorry sorry

 **BT:** no I’ve lost my groove.

 **S4:** I’ll do it then. Once upon a time in Brooklyn

 **BT:** There was a teeny tiny blonde guy 😊

 **S4:** OH MY GOD

 **S4:** BT you’re so smart, we’ll just replace the sick puppies with old ones.

 **BT:** 😊?

 **S4:** hold on.

**JB:** have entered chat, over.

 **CA:** why are you talking like that?

 **JB:** Mission in progress, over.

 **S4:** Thanks guys you’re awesome.

 **JB:** we know, over.

 **CA:** I am so tired.

 **BT:** what is over?

 **CA:** who are you?

 **BT:** me? No one. I’m invisible.

 **JB:** That’s a negative, over.

 **CA:** James Buchanan so help me god you will stop that bullshit. texting is not radio communication and this is not a mission.

 **JB:** someone’s grumpy, over.

 **S4:** lol

 **BT:** Bitsy kick them out I am uncomfortable. I am not ready to be among the stars.

 **CA:** who are you???

 **BT:** I told you I’m no one

 **JB:** Is this a Greek play?

 **CA:** copy that.

 **JB:** lol

 **BT:** Bitsy. They think they’re funny. Help.

 **S4:** they are funny. Watch.

 **S4:** Cap can you tell us about the stock market crash?

 **CA:** oh sure what do you want to know? I was 12

 **JB:** I was not

 **CA:** obviously you were not

 **JB:** I was cool 😎

 **CA:** is this going to go on all day?

 **JB:** yes.

 **CA:** great I hate it.

 **JB:** I know 😎😎😎

 **CA:** what do you want to know about the stock market crash?

 **S4:** everything

 **JB:** oh weren’t we poor

 **CA:** bucky. We were poor before, after, and during the crash.

 **JB:** church mice we were

 **CA:** what are you talking about your family is half jewish

 **JB:** CHURCH MICE.

 **CA:** *Half synagogue mice

 **JB:** They’re poor too, don’t discriminate steven.

 **CA:** I’m not. I’m trying to bring the other half of your people into this equation for balance and equal representation.

 **JB:** well you didn’t ask me now did you?

 **CA:** I

 **CA:** you know what? I didn’t. I’m sorry. Can there be half synagogue mice?

 **JB:** **May** there be half synagogue mice?

 **CA:** sorry Bitsy, I’ve gotta go hit myself with a ruler

 **JB:** oh baby doll why didn’t you just say so?

 **CA:** I’m telling Sam

 **JB:** I take it back I’m sorry Bitsy you didn’t hear anything.

 **S4:** What happened after being poor as church mice?

 **BT:** I am…worried that these people are as chaotic as we usually are.

 **S4:** just go with it. you’ll see.

 **JB:** see what

 **S4:** nothing don’t worry. Tell us about the Great Depression!

 **JB:** oh I won’t have to, kid. You’re about to find out yourself.

 **CA:** JAMES BUCHANAN

 **JB:** ?????

 **JB:** TRUTH?? I SPEAK ONLY TRUTHS

 **CA:** I’m praying to your poor dead mother

 **JB:** don’t tell her she’ll haunt me more

 **CA:** good you deserve it

 **BT:** you’re being haunted, Sarge?

 **JB:** psh yeah.

 **CA:** it is literally just his conscious

 **JB:** I am haunted daily. If not by ma then by Mrs. R and if not by the two of them, then by this lug

 **CA:** I ain’t dead

 **JB:** not you. Baby Steve. ‘You’re fuckin’ ears’ll get cold’ steve. You know. The one that cared about me.

 **CA:** don’t know him

 **JB:** you lyin sack of shit

**CA: I don’t know him**

**BT:** Bitsy

 **S4:** you just gotta steer em a little. It’s okay.

 **S4:** Guys!! I’m trying to prepare for the worst!! Tell me about the GD!!

 **JB:** oh right

 **CA:** sorry sorry

 **CA:** It was bad?

 **JB:** was it? I dunno. we were kids. And poor. It was always bad all the time.

 **CA:** yeah I mean bad is truly relative. All we ate were beans and cabbage.

 **JB:** Steve we’re irish that’s all we ate anyways

 **CA:** no, I’m irish. You’re the product of a sinful union

 **JB:** for the love of Christ. Come on, man. Not here.

 **CA:** your people colonized my people and I haven’t forgiven you yet

 **JB:** okay so first of all, those were my Ma’s people and I know you ain’t talkin shit about my ma. They were oppressed in the old country

 **CA:** um??? You know who else was oppressed and starving in the old country??

 **JB:** Listen

 **CA:** no YOU listen

 **BT:** oh my god Bitsy they’re just as chaotic

 **S4:** I know ❤

 **S4:** Wait so JB you’re half Irish and half what?

 **CA:** Oppressor

 **JB:** English

 **S4:** oh! Your ma?

 **JB:** my ma yeah

 **S4:** do you feel English?

 **JB:** uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh

 **JB:** no.

 **CA:** colonizer

 **JB:** Steve not here

 **JB:** anyhow no. I feel American.

 **S4:** nice

 **BT:** nice

 **JB:** although I can feel Russian

 **CA:** please no

 **JB:** 🙂

 **JB:** do you not like my accent, Steven?

 **CA:** I hate it

 **JB:** 🙂🙃🙂🙃

 **JB:** am now engaging Russian accent

 **JB:** now I shall tell you of war children

 **CA:** that’s just? A Yiddish accent? Also they can’t hear you?

 **JB:** Foul child

 **CA:** I’m a year younger than you

 **JB:** **foul**

 **CA:** okay, but that’s still Yiddish. Keep going, we’ll find Russian eventually.

 **JB:** Is better?

 **CA:** no

 **JB:** excellent this one I keep

 **BT:** I’m cryiNG

 **S4:** okay maybe this question is too hard for y’all. Can you tell us about how you met Spidey maybe?

 **JB:** yes

 **CA:** that’s Yiddish bucky oh my god pick one

 **JB:** THEY CROSS OVER SOMETIMES ASSHOLE

 **CA:** They DON’T THAT MUCH TRY HARDER

 **CA:** No but we met the spiderkid when Buck tried to put his lights out and it didn’t work

 **JB:** spiderkid. More like cockroach kid, no?

 **CA:** that’s much better, now was that so hard?

 **JB:** yes. I have big brain made with swiss cheese.

 **BT:** aa;ldsfkajsdfldfj;lj

 **BT:** you mean

 **BT:** you mean brain damage right?

 **JB:** no I mean cheese

 **CA:** you ever heard the phrase ‘got holes in my memory?’

 **BT:** yes

 **CA:** go with that and you’re good.

 **BT:** [wheezing] okay

 **CA:** yeah so spiderkid. Buck tried to deck him. He caught the punch. I don’t know what happened after that I was busy

 **JB:** threw baby cockroach out glass window

 **JB:** very satisfying.

 **BT:** that’s terrifying

 **CA:** well I mean we learned after the fact that he was like 4 years old

 **JB:** Change tact. Drop baby cockroach out window. No throw. Unkind for babies.

 **BT:** **uh huh**

 **S4:** you don’t drop me anywhere and I’m a baby?

 **JB:** got yelled at

 **CA:** we don’t drop babies. Politics 101.

 **JB:** fuck politics how else do they learn eh?

 **CA:** you are channeling your grandfather right now and not only is it Yiddish again, it is terrifying please stop.

 **BT:** is he like, reading out all his texts??

 **JB:** have problems processing words

 **BT:** oh sorry I didn’t realize

 **JB:** is okay took many years to relearn how to write

 **JB:** first words: fuck you

 **JB:** beautiful

 **CA:** yeah so beautiful scrawled across my door.

 **JB:** **❤**

 **JB:** you kidnapped me

 **CA:** *saved

 **JB:** **kidnapped

 **CA:** did you have any other questions Bitsy?

 **S4:** I have so many.

 **S4:** like what kind of things do you miss from old Brooklyn?

 **CA:** oh the accents

 **JB:** yes

 **CA:** and maybe the horses

 **JB:** no

 **BT:** horses?

 **CA:** Boatloads of horses. Big eyes. Soft noses. Miss horses

 **JB:** fuck horses.

 **BT:** not good for you, Sarge?

 **JB:** no. Untrustworthy.

 **JB:** Okay no, you’re right I sound like zayde and its scaring me I’m dropping the accent

 **CA:** thank you

 **JB:** anywho no fuck horses. Everybody had an uncle who’d been nailed in the gut by a horse. Those beasts are deadly

 **BT:** I mean, yeah. But so are you?

 **CA:** I need you to know that he’s just stopped dead and stared up to God in realization. Thanks for that. Other things I miss: bananas. Spinning tops. Actual snow.

 **JB:** babe I can give you all them things

 **CA:** I don’t want anything from you

 **JB:** he’s hot, he’s cold, he’s yes, he’s no. Does he actually love me? Who actually knows.

 **CA:** answer changes daily

 **S4:** my mom and dad say the same thing. That means you’re in love.

 **JB:** why don’t we have a kid? Everyone’s got apprentices and shit and we don’t got one. Steve. I want one. Provide for me.

 **CA:** This transcript is posted online yes?

 **BT:** yes

 **CA:** then I shall reserve comment

 **BT:** oh my god

 **S4:** whyyyy

 **S4:** its okay no one will judge you

 **CA:** I see your doe eyes and they will not work small one.

 **DD:** I am back. We got bandanas for the ladies.

 **BT:** oh no shit? Which ones? The easter ones?

 **DD:** yes

 **JB:** oh shit stevie look another catholic for you

 **DD:** am catholic yes. Easter is NOT cancelled in this house

 **CA:** I missed…palm Sunday

 **JB:** did you just realize this?

 **CA:** I MISSED PALM SUNDAY.

 **JB:** oh he just realized this. I was hoping to get us to Easter before he did.

 **CA:** I AM A DISGRACE.

 **DD:** word

 **DD:** The pope says you can use shit in your house tho. You got any plants?

 **CA:** yes

 **JB:** you touch my children and you will die

 **CA:** good thinking.

 **JB:** you think I’m joking?

 **DD:** why are these two here?

 **BT:** replacing the fallen

 **DD:** convenient.

 **DD:** are we asking questions of the old ones?

 **S4:** I’m learning. So far we’ve learned that Cap and Sarge met Spidey by punching him and then dropping him out a window.

 **S4:** how did you meet them?

 **DD:** ah.

 **DD:** perhaps better not to say

 **BT:** Teach. Now you have to say.

 **CA:** wait

 **CA:** Teach?

 **BT:** you saw nothing

 **CA:** Daredevil, this kid is yours?

 **BT:** I belong only to myself

 **DD:** Depends. Why do you ask?

 **JB:** Gonna steal an apprentice

 **CA:** no we’re not

 **JB:** if this one belongs to you then they’re out of the running

 **CA:** we’re not stealing an apprentice. We already have Sam.

 **JB:** Bossy.

 **CA:** because he makes you wear a shirt while cooking??

 **JB:** I fought wars for this body

 **CA:** lol imagine

 **S4:** didn’t you fight wars for your body too, cap?

 **CA:** no mine was an early birthday present

 **JB:** A gift from Pegs to protect him from catching the TB while I was gone.

 **S4:** oh right!

 **S4:** Sarge did you and Director Carter get along back when you guys were young?

 **JB:** define ‘get along’

 **BT:** that’s a great start

 **S4:** were friends?

 **JB:** negative

 **S4:** what, really??

 **JB:** she stole?? My man??

 **BT:** omg

 **S4:** but she thought you were dead?

 **JB:** well I wasn’t, was I??

 **S4:** so you didn’t like her at all?

 **CA:** That’s a complicated question, kiddo

 **JB:** no it ain’t

 **JB:** no

 **JB:** we never jived.

 **JB:** she was just my boss’s boss. My CO. I didn’t hate her or anything. We had drinks together and whatever. Obvs she was Steve’s gal, so I sucked it up and the like, as you do. But we never really had anything to like, talk about when we were just us together.

 **S4:** why’d you suck it up then? Couldn’t you have told her that you didn’t like that she was flirting with your guy?

 **BT:** oh bitsy

 **DD:** the homophobia.

 **JB:** that

 **JB:** I wasn’t trying to get thrown out of the army, slugger. Don’t bite the hand that feeds you and all that. And anyways, I figured it would be better for everyone if Steve just went with Peggy.

 **CA:** aw buck

 **JB:** whatever

 **S4:** that’s sad

 **JB:** well they don’t call it the great depression for nothing 😀

 **CA:** Buck

 **JB:** yes

 **CA:** I love you

 **JB:** yes, but?

 **CA:** but that’s not only bad, but it is ALSO historically inaccurate

 **JB:** get off my case I’m bein funny

 **JB:** let me process my trauma through humor

 **JB:** sam says it’s a defense mechanism. That means I’m allowed.

 **BT:** oh buddy

 **DD:** JB. It’s the coping mechanism that you’re allowed.

 **JB:** says who

 **DD:** therapist. Defensive mechanism is sometimes allowed. But I am told using humor ‘trivializes the situation unnecessarily.’

 **JB:** uh

 **JB:** brb

 **DD:** ?

 **CA:** He’s going to verify with Sam

 **BT:** ah

 **S4:** I’m sorry you guys had a hard time in WWII Cap

 **BT:** ^

 **CA:** I mean? You have nothing to do with that?

 **S4:** I’m still sorry. You and JB sound sad when you talk about the war

 **CA:** well that’s because we are. And we’re also sad right now.

 **CA:** All the masks and hand washing and full body suits remind me of my ma coming home from the TB ward

 **BT:** oh shit that’s horrible

 **CA:** yeah it’s not great. But it is what it is. It’s been nearly a hundred years since then. We have so many more things to keep us occupied and happy now. I mean, I was a baby through the Spanish flu, but I grew up bed ridden a lot and I would have killed to be able to facetime Buck. Or any of my friends.

 **CA:** And you can just write stories now on your computer without needing pen and ink. And there are millions of books online. You can draw. You can play games. You can do all that with other people while being by yourself at the same time.

 **CA:** It could be so much worse. We could all be so much more alone.

 **CA:** it’s really kind of incredible that we can be so connected while still holding arms out as wide as they can go on each side

 **SM:** aw cap

 **BT:** !!

 **BT:** he’s not dead!!

 **SM:** I was gonna say I never forgave JB for sitting on me after I hit pavement when we met, but that’s such a beautiful sentiment I got nothing now

 **JB:** Sam has said that defense and coping mechanisms are okay depending on circumstances. Is not one or the other

 **JB:** and I haven’t forgiven you for being a bad seat so we’re even

 **SM:** I’m dying be nice to me

 **JB:** oh I can be zayde again. Would that comfort you?

 **SM:** I

 **SM:** yeah actually go on

 **JB:** NICE

 **CA:** Spidey we were having a moment

 **JB:** Shush Steven, Zayde’s telling a fuckin story.

 **CA:** don’t tell the one about the swan

 **JB:** so one day there was this swan.

 **CA:** good Christ, here we go.

**BT:** empty chat room is sad.

 **S4:** I can call the old guys back if you want.

 **BT:** how many swan stories does he have?

 **S4:** I think he replaces all the bears in stories with swans.

 **BT:** what does he want from swans?

 **S4:** idk Cap says that there’s an irish story about swans and Sarge took it and has run with it ever since.

 **BT:** wild

 **BT:** I want to hear the zayde accent. What is a zayde?

 **S4:** idk

 **BT:** Spidey knows what it is

 **S4:** I think he’s languishing again

 **BT:** too bad

 **BT:** DD, what’s a zayde?

 **DD:** jewish grandpa

 **S4:** OH

 **BT:** OHHHH

 **BT:** how do you know that?

 **DD:** I am old and from NYC.

 **BT:** I am one of those things.

 **S4:** I’m one too!!

 **DD:** ah, but you see, children, it is the other part is the more important one

 **BT:** I could be old

 **S4:** yeah me too

 **BT:** I’ll be old right now watch

 **BT:** oh my back

 **S4:** oh my knee

 **BT:** Jesus help me, my lung

 **S4:** I can feel the rain coming in my shoulder

 **DD:** hm

 **DD:** I feel like you two are making fun of me

 **BT:** us??? Teach, we’d never.

 **S4:** ^^^

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : what are we talking about

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : did I just miss the capster and his dog?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : goddamnit

 **DD:** Wade, do us a zayde impression

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I can’t

 **DD:** you’ve failed me

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I’m sorry

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I’ll do you a moose

 **DD:** no that’s fine actually

 **BT:** we don’t need it wade

 **S4:** yeah I already got nightmares

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : well, I’ll **never.**

\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love?? JB and Cap?? With my whole fucking heart??
> 
> Chapter reaction comes from **@wannabe-someone** on tumblr. Thank you!!
> 
> Image [I.D.: Screen of Twitter post by AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, “*slaps computer like southern grandpa* theres some serious catholic guilt in this here groupchat. End I.D.]


	7. kill that feeling your honor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **DD:** Law and Order can go fuck itself and all its various iterations  
>  **S2:** how dare you speak of ill of Olivia Benson  
>  **S2:** she is a HERO you sexist bastard. She’s solved HUNDREDS of cases.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the gang talks about loads of tv this time. apologies in advance.

**SM:** I have risen like a phoenix

 **S4:** Spidey!!! You’re back!!

 **SM:** I am here to accuse Red, our beloved Red, of treason.

 **DD:** bite me

 **SM:** do you accept the charges against you?

 **DD:** this ain’t a court of law

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : y’all need bodies of law to proceed

 **SM:** Red lend me your husband

 **DD:** fuck you no

 **SM:** fine BT come be my representation

 **BT:** I am not qualified. Am a mere paper pusher.

 **SM:** get over here and be my rep. Non-negotiable. Your mentor has committed treason.

 **BT:** I

 **BT:** look man I love you but my loyalties are kind of tied up in the big guy so?

 **SM:** I see

 **SM:** okay then

 **SM:** both of you are on trial now

 **BT:** NO

 **DD:** Apprentice.

 **BT:** yes?

 **DD:** settle.

 **BT:** yes sir

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : hnnnnng

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : its back

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : someone call me sir

 **S4:** ask LS, she’s on your couch rn

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : she won’t. I’ve tried every way and her defenses remain impenetrable even while incapacitated

 **SM:** everyone shut up I’m trying to put people on trial.

 **SM:** this is your last chance BT. I’ll give you the opportunity to explain yourself and get a lighter sentence

 **BT:** I??

 **DD:** say nothing

 **BT:** ^

 **SM:** disappointing

 **SM:** I’m disappointed in you

 **BT:** I’m gonna fucking cry

 **DD:** kid, his approval means nothing he’s barely 2 years older than you

 **BT:** I don’t care I **need it**

 **DD:** say what you want spiderchild. Lay out your case.

 **SM:** I will

 **SM:** We are supposed to be staying inside, Mr. Daredevil. Inside. That is what a shelter order means. You shelter **in place**. We—and we, especially, as highly mobile potential vectors of disease—can not just go out in full costume to have a wander around our neighborhoods. Even just to wave at little kids through windows. There are systems in place to keep people in place while getting this type of entertainment. Do you seriously think Cap wants to vlog??? Do you think that the Widow wants to show people how much she spoils her damn cat?

 **SM:** no. They hate that shit. But they are doing it anyways and if you want to spread good will, you and BT have to set an example for folks. It is our responsibility as public figures to do so. If folks see Daredevil running around without a mask, then they’ll think they can do that shit, too.

 **SM:** so while I get the sentiment, it’s not appropriate for our given situation. Please refrain in future.

 **DD:** are you done?

 **SM:** not if that’s the tone you’re going to take

 **DD:** oh good, so you’re done.

 **DD:** Wade be the judge please.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : do I get to be a ‘sir’?

 **S4:** I think that means you get to be a ‘your honor’

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : nice 👌

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : alright go on. Present your case.

 **DD:** thank you, your honor

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : fucking **nice**

 **DD:** so first of all, the plaintiff has suggested that myself and my apprentice were being irresponsible in terms of not wearing masks. This is false. We both wore masks as we always wear masks and so the point should be overruled.

 **SM:** that’s not the kind of mask I’m talking about and you know it

 **DD:** your honor?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : he’s technically right, Spidey. He did wear a mask. Just not on the right half of his face.

 **DD:** thank you

 **SM:** for fucks sake

 **DD:** are you going to interrupt or can I continue?

 **SM:** whatever go the fuck on I guess

 **S4:** someone wake up LS, she loves Law and Order

 **S3:** on it

 **DD:** furthermore, your honor, the plaintiff has argued that myself and apprentice were acting against the public’s interest.

 **DD:** this is problematic. Who decides what is in the public interest is arbitrary and dependent on the situation. Myself and my apprentice’s targeted audience for this act was, in fact, local children who remained socially distant to us according to CDC guidelines. These children are a section of the public whose needs differ from that of the adult public.

 **DD:** this should be taken into consideration.

 **SM:** I’m not saying that kids don’t have different needs rn

 **DD:** Children who live in the Tenderloin and Bayview districts are disproportionately affected by poverty compared to children who live in other parts of San Francisco. They often do not have access or at least consistent access to the content that other public figures such as Captain America and the Black Widow are producing.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : idk spidey he’s kind of got you there

 **SM:** that’s not what I’m saying, Red

 **DD:** Because social distancing guidelines were maintained, masks were worn, and additional needs were taken into consideration, myself and my apprentice, I argue, are innocent of the charges presented, your honor.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : woof. Yeah okay I get that

 **SM:** Red. People see you not wearing a mask in the street and they want to come flock you and take pictures and that does nothing to help this situation.

 **DD:** no one did that because just because people are poor does not meant they are idiots. You should know this.

 **SM:** I do know this and I’m not talking about them. I’m talking about folks who already don’t want to keep sheltering in place and who would see getting a selfie with daredevil as a once-in-a-lifetime event that is worth breaking the order for.

 **DD:** well the good news is that no one did because in the daytime I’m 6 feet tall with a dumb hat and murderous intent

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I mean

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : almost 6 feet tall

 **DD:** do you want to drown, your honor?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : depends. In what?

 **DD:** acid

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : pass

 **DD:** it’s fine, Spidey. It was for the kids.

 **SM:** I think we’re going to have to agree to disagree on this one. I personally am not going to go out. It just encourages people to be fuckheads.

 **DD:** And chasing everyone indoors with the promise of a superhero waving up at you through the window also encourages people not to be, Spiderkid. I know you love rules and regs. I know your science brain is thinking about vectors or whatever.

 **DD:** but these are still people we’re talking about.

 **DD:** They need reasons to stay inside. Here in California, we are going to be doing this for ages. We need changes in our every day lives to remember that sheltering is worth doing.

 **S4:** I think that’s fair

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : saaaaaaaaaaaame

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Okay: decision. I have a six year old who pouted for 40 min the other day until her foster mama put Cap on the tablet. Kids need heroes rn and they need them in front of their houses or in them where they can see them. Different folks got different strokes but we’re all headed towards the same goal. Next time, Red, wear a mask or smth to make em think that that’s cool too. Spidey, loosen up a little. This ain’t a sprint. We gotta be flexible here. As long as we take precautions, we’re doing what we can. There ain’t more that we can do than that.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : fair?

 **SM:** UGH

 **DD:** fair. BT, I want a full helmet

 **BT:** **yes.** I can make this happen. Where are the horns?

 **DD:** you aint touching the horns

 **BT:** I’m gonna mold em

 **DD:** you are touching the horns for 20 minutes at the most

 **BT:** I’m gonna go find them

 **BT:** this is fun it’ll be like an easter egg hunt but for satan

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : oh shit tomorrow is easter

 **SM:** I’m still mad. I just need y’all to know this

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : yes, you’re very good at being mad. Gold star.

 **SM:** p a t r o n i z i n g

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : have an egg

 **SM:** I don’t want your fuckin egg.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : have a rabbit

 **SM:** I want a stricter shelter order

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : have another rabbit

 **S2:** I am risen

 **S4:** Jesus 2.0

 **S2:** That’s right bitch Imma about to get me crucified. Someone make me a cross to die on

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : putting you on a cross at this moment would be like throwing a wet dish rag on the back of a chair

 **S2:** lemme do it I got this I’ll take one for the team.

 **S2:** also y’all I am Hot and having some wild dreams

 **S2:** lemme tell you about these dreams

 **S2:** in one of them, I committed tax fraud

 **S3:** oh that’s very good. I had a similar one, but then my mom told me to stop reading the damn mail and get the hell back into my room.

 **S4:** I don’t think that was a dream S3

 **S3:** yeah that’s what she was shouting through the door a min ago

 **S2:** nice. In my other dream I turned into a dragon

 **S4:** woooooah

 **S2:** yeah and my folks turned into pigs it was hella traumatic

 **S4:** were you watching Spirited away again?

 **S2:** you don’t know my life

 **BT:** !!!

 **BT:** I LOVE Spirited Away!!

 **BT:** me and Chihiro are like. The same person.

 **S2:** Same

 **S3:** Same

 **S4:** Same

 **SM:** I’m still mad

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I like the man with the many arms and the stache. I want a stache

 **S2:** you don’t need one, Wade.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I’m gonna buy one

 **S3:** that is a nonessential purchase wade

 **BT:** boss, can we watch spirited away?

 **DD:** what is it about?

 **S2:** GASP

 **S4:** you don’t know???

 **S3:** smh

 **BT:** it’s about an annoying kid who learns to be less annoying and there is a dragon and a mouse and a witch.

 **DD:** Red reding hood?

 **BT:** yes

 **S4:** no? Not like, at all?

 **BT:** shut up bitsy, I’m trying to do something.

 **S4:** oh okay

 **BT:** you’ll love it teach, it involves taking baths.

 **DD:** A child? On screen? Taking baths??? Hell no what kind of pervert do you think I am?

 **BT:** no she’s not taking baths

 **S4:** she works at a bathhouse, DD

 **DD:** child labor now?

 **D2:** hello!

 **D2:** oh are we talking about Spirited away? I love that movie

 **S2:** how has dave seen this and Red not? Y’all grew up blocks away from each other.

 **DD:** I went to catholic school

 **D2:** we weren’t allowed to mix with the catholic school kids. My folks called em ‘conservative brats.’

 **DD:** EXCUSE ME

 **D2:** their words not mine

 **DD:** EXCUSE ME

 **D2:** again. Their words, not mine

 **DD:** So fucking rude. So FUCKING rude.

 **D2:** I mean

 **D2:** honestly everyone at my school just said that the Catholic school kids were all gang members.

 **DD:** we were WHAT?

 **D2:** I’m sorry it wasn’t PC, I get that now

 **DD:** What school did you go to I’m sending my fellow alumni gang members around to egg it

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : the right word you’re looking for there, David, is ‘cult’ not ‘gang’

 **DD:** do you want to go?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : yes

 **DD:** I will punish you in Jesus’s fucking name?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : alright do it. One for the birthday boy

 **DD:** ITS NOT HIS BIRTHDAY YOU MASSIVE FUCKHEAD

 **DD:** Its

 **DD:** the

 **DD:** OPPOSITE

 **BT:** oh okay I think now is a great time to watch Spirited Away. Excuse me y’all, we gotta bounce before one of us has an aneurysm.

**BT:** teach likes the score.

 **S2:** I mean the Mets are down by 7 in this rerun so if he’s truly a bastard and an Orioles fan I could see that.

 **BT:** no the score. Of Spirited away. He’s not interested in anything else

 **S2:** the fuck? Like Yubaba: 1000, Everyone Else: Nil?

 **S3:** the music, girl

 **S2:** ooooooooooooooooh

 **S2:** gotcha

 **S2:** that’s pretty him-typical

 **BT:** Husband was reassuringly obsessed with this movie when it came out and is devastated with me that the old guy’s failing to learn life lessons from it. So that’s a small comfort

 **S3:** Maybe he’d like the one about the castle better? He and the Howl guy are very similar in terms of manic behavior.

 **BT:** you

 **BT:** you are correct.

 **BT:** thank

 **S3:** no problem

**SM:** okay I’m slightly less mad now

 **S4:** eeeeeeey

 **S4:** are you still mad that me and BT interviewed Cap and Sarge last week?

 **SM:** what? No. I’m chill with them.

 **S4:** you sure?

 **SM:** yes?

 **S4:** okay just checking

 **S3:** hey Spidey I need some advice

 **SM:** oh okay go on then

 **S3:** I am feeling the need to wall crawl.

 **SM:** cold shower. You cannot.

 **S3:** thank you

 **S2:** Immmmm sleeeeeeeeby

 **SM:** so sleep

 **S2:** can’t I’ll die

 **SM:** so don’t sleep then. You want a Monster? I’ve got a few left.

 **S2:** oooooooh

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : not in this house

 **SM:** piss off I’m talking here

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I’m

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : what?

 **S2:** lol

 **S2:** Spidey used New Yawk. It was very effective.

 **S3:** Wade are you a US citizen?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : you the IRS?

 **S3:** no

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : then no. Resident. Why?

 **S2:** become a citizen wade this country needs you

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : green peppers on pizza—thoughts?

 **S2:** distraction tactics will not work. This country neeeeeeeds you

 **SM:** he won’t. He wants to always have smth in common with Wolverine

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : mention him again child 😊

 **SM:** 🙃

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : fine on your head be it

 **S2:** woah

 **S4:** I’ve heard of Wolverine!! Cap said he’s ‘small, angry, and horny’

 **S3:** BITSY

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : accurate

 **SM:** CAP. THIS IS A CHILD YOU’RE TALKING TO.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I mean

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : accurate tho

 **SM:** Cap come here and explain yourself

 **CA:** explain what?

 **S2:** scroll up

 **CA:** oh right

 **CA:** no. I said what I said.

 **SM:** I cannot belIEVE

 **CA:** Okay so don’t. I’m busy. I have a vlog to do. I’m alphabetizing our record collection.

 **SM:** ? You have four records.

 **CA:** yes.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : really reaching for content there, huh, gorgeous?

 **CA:** oh wade, right I meant to text you. Stark wants to examine your cat.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : hng

 **S2:** boner defeated

 **SM:** LS. CHILD. PRESENT. LANGUAGE.

 **S4:** I know what a boner is, Spidey.

 **S2:** I said what I said.

 **SM:** Cap. You are corrupting my ranks. Get out. Get out. GET OUT.

 **CA:** lol

 **CA:** okay, text me please Wade.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : k

 **S2:** boner so crushed that he can’t even find enough soul left to flirt. Man. These are truly dire times.

**DD:** I like the movie with the wizard.

 **S4:** Howl’s moving castle?

 **DD:** yes

 **DD:** I like the dog the best

 **SM:** the dog?

 **DD:** Husband describes as ‘a mop with chicken feet and hound ears.’ I approve of this dog.

 **S2:** that was not what I would have expected you to take away from this movie.

 **S3:** ^

 **SM:** DD what is your favorite film?

 **DD:** I have many

 **SM:** Oh I know it. name three

 **DD:** A League of their Own

 **S2:** **nice**

 **DD:** Guys and Dolls

 **S3:** what

 **DD:** The Princess Bride

 **S3:** okay that one we should have seen coming

 **DD:** I have opinions on tv shows too

 **SM:** please go on. Please.

 **DD:** Law and Order can go fuck itself and all its various iterations

 **S2:** how dare you speak of ill of Olivia Benson

 **S2:** she is a HERO you sexist bastard. She’s solved HUNDREDS of cases.

 **DD:** The office isn’t funny

 **S3:** alright sorry, I’m out. This is too painful.

 **DD:** Old Yeller is the only television show that ever mattered

 **S4:** I’m shook

 **SM:** …

 **SM:** hm.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Red, the good news is that you’re nil for nil.

 **D2:** oh I loved Old Yeller. Where the Red Fern Grows destroyed me.

 **DD:** yes. good taste.

 **BT:** Husband says he has video of Red drunk-sobbing about the ending of Old Yeller from college.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : **forward it now Invisiboy. Or face the consequences.**

 **DD:** Husband drunk sobbed over Ella Enchanted, he has no room to talk.

 **S2:** oh my god

 **S3:** I mean, I cried during Shrek

 **S4:** I **love** shrek.

 **SM:** I’m

 **S2:** I’m

 **S3:** oh wow, Bitsy.

 **D2:** God help me there are so many shrek toys in my house. Why.

 **DD:** Wasn’t shrek out when we were kids?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : fuck yeah it was

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : you know who snuck vodka into a theatre to see shrek?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : this guy

 **S2:** what flavor

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : ‘dad’s liquor cabinet’

 **S2:** oh, so sweet vengeance

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : ya damn right

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Got crossfaded in the back of the theatre. Cry-laughed myself to sleep. Woke up in the middle of Ocean’s Eleven. Watched the fuck outta that shit and tried to rob the local art museum. Got arrested.

 **D2:** Wade I am so concerned about your past sometimes

 **DD:** Legally Blonde came out in 2001

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : oh shit

 **S2:** 👂👂👂👂

 **SM:** !

 **S3:** and

 **S3:** what were your feelings about that Red?

 **DD:** I think Elle Woods might have cured my childhood depression

 **S4:** oh my god

 **S2:** Wait: a question for Husband

 **DD:** okay hold on

 **DD:** Husband acquired

 **S2:** How many people at your law school were Elle Woods in disguise?

 **DD:** Oh, you don’t need Husband for that

 **DD:** husband dated an Elle Woods wannabe for years

 **S2:** !!!!

 **S3:** how did that make you feel, red?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : *chinhands*

 **DD:** Y’all ever chewed aluminum?

 **S2:** adskasdfhasdkfs

 **DD:** like that

 **S3:** yes

 **SM:** aw, DD.

 **DD:** there is truly no justice in this world.

 **BT:** I thought you two were on talking terms now

 **DD:** that’s what she thinks

 **S2:** **alsdkafsdfljlja**

 **S3:** that’s uh. Really rough, man. I’m sorry that you suffered.

 **DD:** I’m more Elle Woods than she is. ME.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : we know honey

 **DD:** ME

 **SM:** so we have hit another nerve. Wow, how hard was that.

 **DD:** what do I have to do to win this man’s heart? I just want to fuck EMMETT

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : you gotta get an internship man

 **S4:** maybe start with ‘love’ instead of sex?

 **S2:** nah you really gotta start by losing the horns

 **DD:** I already did all of those things at various points in my life. What am I missing?

 **BT:** boss, Husband would like to remind you that you two are married, so you did, in fact, become the Elle to his Emmett

 **DD:** oh right

 **S2:** **ASDKAFSJD;FKJSD**

 **DD:** take that, poser

 **SM:** omg you invited this gal to your wedding you idiot

 **DD:** oh right

 **BT:** he got so wrapped up in the competition he forgot about reality for a second

 **SM:** I am exhausted yet again.

**SM:** my aunt will not let me sleep

 **S2:** bummer

 **S3:** probably because you’re keeping her up and she’s just giving you your own back

 **SM:** no

 **SM:** worse

 **SM:** she’s fussing.

 **S2:** aw Spidey, she loves you

 **SM:** she’s lighting candles over me and chanting. I do not recall this treatment from my youth in this house.

 **S2:** ❤love❤

 **S4:** wax is hot.

 **SM:** And now? She’s brushing me with mint? What is this? a sacrifice?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : basting

 **SM:** no wade

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : **basting**

 **SM:** no cannibalism

 **DD:** pagan

 **SM:** watch your damn mouth, Bunny man

 **DD:** it’s not about the bunnies.

 **DD:** How many times do I have to say that easter isn’t about the bunnies?

 **SM:** you celebrate J-man day, Aunt celebrates Fertility Bunny day. Get over it. There are plenty of eggs to go around.

 **BT:** My mom’s remedy for sickness was always something herbal and foul and we had to drink ALL of it.

 **SM:** don’t give her ideas, she wants me to bath in chamomile.

 **S2:** that sounds actually kind of nice

 **SM:** oh it’s not for the fever

 **SM:** its because she’s convinced that I got sick because of bad energy.

 **S3:** is she wrong tho??

 **SM:** … S3 you’re dead to me

 **S3:** oop

 **S2:** lol

 **S4:** Wait your aunt is a nurse, isn’t she?

 **SM:** Yes.

 **BT:** am confuse

 **S4:** ^

 **SM:** do y’all question your moms?

 **S4:** god no

 **S2:** do I look like I want to die?

 **S3:** never successfully.

 **SM:** that’s where I’m at.

 **S2:** ah, gotcha.

 **S3:** I mean, it can’t hurt you, so that’s good.

 **SM:** she’s decided that the cure to COVID is spirulina someone HELP ME

 **S3:** oh

 **S2:** lol

 **S4:** what’s that?

 **S2:** algae. Turns things kinda blue-teal. You see it in a lot of health food smoothies and shit

 **BT:** remind her that she is a nurse??

 **SM:** I can’t. in this household there are only two modes of medicine and we have passed through the veil of no return into unconventional

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : eat the seaweed

 **DD:** seaweed is good for you

 **D2:** it is, actually! If you’re up to eating, it has lots of nutrients.

 **SM:** someone banish Dave I’m suffering and he is encouraging it

 **S2:** sorry dave you have to go. We can do this the easy way or the hard way

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : dave dropped off a dino grabber for you

 **S2:** sorry spidey no can do, the man’s a saint

 **SM:** UGH

 **SM:** okay actually this is doable she put half a mango in this smoothie, crisis averted

**S2:** oh my gOD I’m OVER THIS how much LONGER???

 **S3:** we’re on day, like, 6? 7? So like? 7 more hopefully?

 **S2:** FUCKFUCKFUCK

 **SM:** I think I’m almost over it?

 **S2:** never speak to me again

 **S3:** man.

 **S4:** yay!!

 **BT:** dude what is your healing factor?? Like 1.5x more than a normal human’s?

 **SM:** estimated 3x – 6x.

 **BT:** I’m sorry WHAT

 **SM:** unclear. Stark has performed multiple tests. All were inconclusive. All reflected a different rate.

 **BT:** h…how?

 **SM:** idk man I just live with it.

 **BT:** can I have some of that?

 **S2:** ^

 **S3:** ^

 **SM:** don’t look at me, ask Bitsy.

 **S2:** **👀**

 **S4:** uh oh

 **S3:** please give

 **S4:** I would but I don’t know how!!

 **S3:** 😥

 **S4:** I’m sorry!!

 **DD:** I have a solution

 **SM:** oh my god Red no. That doesn’t work.

 **DD:** if you meditate

 **SM:** that just keeps you from picking your stitches out. That’s literally all that does for you.

 **DD:** things heal faster.

 **S3:** I feel like Iron Fist told us something similar once

 **DD:** don’t believe him, he speaks only cult trash and falsehoods.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : …Red we’ve talked about this.

 **S2:** listen, I did yoga once before all this shit when down and all that did was hurt

 **S3:** I did yoga once and learned that I can’t do yoga

 **S4:** I like yoga.

 **S2:** *sigh*

 **S2:** S3, you are the only person in this group I can trust.

 **S3:** we still have Dave.

 **S2:** you know what? You’re right. We’ll always have Dave.

\--

 **S2:** Hey Spidey, can you type out Red’s voice messages? I’m trying to post the thing but it’s kinda obvious.

 **SM:** np

 **S2:** thanks

 **S2:** oh, also are we leaving our impromptu trial in?

 **SM:** yeah why the hell not.

 **S2:** and the bit about the boner?

 **SM:** ain’t our jobs to regulate audience ages. Let ‘em have it.

 **S2:** copy that 👍

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so the good news is that early data shows that social distancing/staying at home is having an impact on how many people are getting the virus and hospital caseloads. 
> 
> The bad news is that to keep this trajectory, most of us will have to do this thing for longer.  
> That can be frustrating, but keep in mind that the alternative is not having hospital beds available for those who need them, including yourself and people you love.
> 
> So keep on keeping on! Washing hands, staying in. Doing your best to romanticize the fuck out of your lives in the meantime!


	8. ring ring ring banana phone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **SM:** no you’re right Wade’s a Scorpio (ew)  
>  **S2:** Says the Leo  
>  **SM:** Says the Aquarius  
>  **S3:** for the last time: this isn’t a thing.  
>  **SM:** says the Virgo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DD tells an Orphanage Story. Hold your hats, y'all.

**S2:** hey spidey

 **SM:** what?

 **S2:** do you know what today is?

 **SM:** uuuuuuuuuuh

 **SM:** Wednesday?

 **S2:** yes but the other thing

 **SM:** the day your powers have returned to you?

 **S2:** we are close and I grow less horizontal every day, but no. Keep going.

 **SM:** is it Wade’s birthday?

 **S2:** 1) You guys have been friends for like 10 years and you have to ask me? 2) You’re warmer with Wade

 **SM:** no you’re right Wade’s a Scorpio (ew)

 **S2:** Says the Leo

 **SM:** Says the Aquarius

 **S3:** for the last time: this isn’t a thing.

 **SM:** says the Virgo

 **S2:** ^^

 **S4:** Virgo Power ✊🏾

 **S3:** omg Virgo Power ✨✊🏾✨

 **S2:** oh so NOW it’s a real thing, is it, S3??

 **BT:** are we doing zodiac signs?

 **BT:** I’m a Sagittarius

 **SM:** oh

 **S2:** oh

 **S3:** that tracks

 **BT:** I’m not touching that

 **BT:** What’s the old guy’s? He’s put a moratorium on the word ‘zodiac’ in the house ever since I binge-watched all the zodiac killer stuff I could find so I can’t ask

 **SM:** uuuuh

 **S2:** Spidey

 **S2:** Spidey, **ten years** you’ve known these people

 **SM:** come on girl, gimme a break. names are easy, birthdays are hard

 **S2:** no. get it together. GOD. this is vital information

 **SM:** ffs. Okay fine. hold on lemme check the dates I wanna get it right

 **SM:** he’s a Libra

 **S2:** UGH

 **S4:** oh

 **S3:** I could see that

 **S2:** go away skeptic. You don’t get to pick and choose when you believe in stuff

 **S3:** I do, actually?

 **D2:** I’m an Aries

 **SM:** what

 **S2:** what

 **S4:** oh no Dave that’s all wrong

 **SM:** By how many days??

 **D2:** oh I’m right on the far edge.

 **SM:** Wait. Dave, it’s your birthday this weekend??

 **D2:** oh wow so it is

 **S2:** !!!!!!!!!

 **S3:** DAVE

 **D2:** That does explain the shifty kid behavior.

 **S3:** DAVE WE’VE GOTTA CELEBRATE

 **D2:** we really don’t. I’m so old ☹

 **DD:** I heard birthday

 **DD:** whose birthday

 **S4:** Dave’s birthday is this weekend!

 **DD:** oh good there’s still time

 **BT:** boss you’re a libra?

 **DD:** I was born in October, yes.

 **DD:** David I have the perfect gift I will send it along shortly

 **D2:** you don’t have to!!

 **S2:** **take your present David**

 **D2:** okay!

 **S2:** youre damn right

 **S3:** we should video call

 **D2:** please do not. My whole family is already doing a thing and its so much trouble for everyone but my sis has the fattest wiener dog in the world and she is going to try to lift him up to the camera and I can’t NOT witness that, you know?

 **S2:** Bribed with a sausage. Typical.

 **D2:** 😥

 **S2:** ugh it’s fine I’ll forgive you

 **D2:** 😀

 **S3:** How old are you gonna be?

 **D2:** Ancient

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : someone called?

 **SM:** Wade’s 46 this year

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : **a;lkjdfsalsdfsjdlf**

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : TAKE IT BACK YOU MONSTER

 **SM:** my bad

 **SM:** Wade’s 29

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : oh thank god

 **BT:** yeah and Teach is like 41?

 **DD:** age is a handicap imposed upon me by the Lord which I accept with grace

 **S2:** I see someone finally got to go to Mass

 **BT:** I can’t tell if he’s more or less insufferable this way

 **D2:** oh, well, I’ll be turning 38.

 **DD:** Behold. A child.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : burn it

 **DD:** no

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : **burn it**

 **DD:** the rest of them are even younger, Wade

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : **burn them all**

 **DD:** for what purpose?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I haven’t decided yet

 **S2:** Wade go away I’m trying to talk about you

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : oh okay I’ll go then

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : PSYCH

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : ain’t no one talking shit about me without me startin it

 **S3:** I.

 **S4:** hm

 **S2:** Spidey forgot your birthday

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : WEBS HOW COULD YOU

 **SM:** You told me it was your birthday a different month each year for the first 5 we knew each other- how the fuck is this my fault???

 **DD:** Nov 22nd, no?

 **S2:** holy shit

 **S3:** wow Red’s on it

 **DD:** Birthdays are easy. Faces aren’t my forte.

**SM: omg.**

**SM:** terrible

 **S2:** FUCK

 **S3:** DD, **why**

 **DD:** someone get me one of them winking faces

 **S4:** UwU

 **S4:** 😉 (for you.)

 **S3:** Bitsy don’t encourage him

 **DD:** thank you. You leave the fetus alone. He is under my tutelage

 **S4:**!! I’m DD’s apprentice now?

 **BT:** 🔪

 **S4:** I’m sorry I didn’t mean it

 **BT:** 😊

 **S4:** why are you so scary to me and me only??

 **S2:** ??? Blindspot’s not scary??

 **BT:** ^^ 😊

 **S4:** he is, though? He threatens me all the time?

 **SM:** um?

 **SM:** he def doesn’t?

 **BT:** I am nothing but kind to you, Bitsy. Why do you spread such lies? 😔

 **S4:** YOU’RE the one who’s lying.

 **S3:** woah Bitsy. That’s not cool.

 **BT:** ^^

 **DD:** There is no need for arguments I can have two apprentices.

 **SM:** he’s mine. Drop it.

 **DD:** oh, is he now?

 **JB:** Steve thinks otherwise.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : JESUS

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE

 **JB:** a minute

 **DD:** tell Cap I’ll fight him in Union Square for the kid

 **SM:** No. Don’t do that. This has already been settled a thousand times. Bitsy is MY apprentice.

 **S4:** ☹ 

**S4:** I agreed to that before I got all these other offers tho, Spidey

 **DD:** you hear that? The boy deserves a choice

 **BT:** 👍 = 🔪

 **S4:** BULLY

 **S4:** Don’t y’all see this??

 **JB:** Steven has already formed a bond, it’s too late. Bitsy is ours.

 **DD:** So I’ll have to fight you, then?

 **DD:** that’s fine. When and where?

 **SM:** Red you’re not fighting Sergeant Barnes.

 **JB:** I mean I got nothin else to do. I’m locked out ☹

 **S2:** I’m

 **S3:** wh

 **BT:** Aren’t you an international spy?

 **JB:** and human weapon

 **BT:** my b. Aren’t you an international spy and human weapon?

 **JB:** yes

 **BT:** …

 **JB:** ?

 **BT:** okay, so anyways. Bitsy I’m sorry but Teach can only handle one apprentice at a time and I require lots of attention.

 **DD:** this is true, unfortunately

 **S4:** that’s fine, I wouldn’t want to be your mentee-brother anyways, BT.

 **BT:** 😊 Say what you little shit?

 **S4:** see?? MEAN.

 **S2:** You antagonized him, Bitsy, idk what you expected??

 **S4:** !!!! He??? Threatened me?? With a knife?

 **BT:** are you suggesting that I abuse children?

 **S4:** what? No. Obviously not, I’m saying you abuse ME.

 **BT:** yes you do keep saying that.

 **SM:** BT, you’re not threatening MY apprentice with violence, are you?

 **BT:** never. Have you seen me? I couldn’t threaten a fly. It’s why I need a good teacher UwU.

 **DD:** why are you complimenting?

 **DD:** are you sick?

 **DD:** what do you want from me?

 **JB:** I’ve done the research.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : you’re STILL HERE

 **JB:** yes, I just said I’m locked out why would that have changed?

 **S3:** I mean? Of what? The Avengers Headquarters?

 **JB:** what? No. My house.

 **S2:** I’m

 **S4:** Did Cap lock you out again?

 **JB:** ☹ yes

 **S4:** did you apologize for whatever it is that you did?

 **JB:** ☹ no

 **S4:** have you tried apologizing?

 **JB:** I would rather eat shit and die

 **SM:** I’m texting Falcon-Cap

 **JB:** please do. I left my phone inside.

 **SM:** …

 **S2:** aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAA

 **S3:** Um. Sarge.

 **JB:** yes?

 **S3:** My computer says that you’re using a phone right now

 **JB:** oh

 **JB:** well that’s convenient

 **S2:** This is the person who destroyed Washington DC.

 **S2:** This is the person who destroyed Washington DC.

 **JB:** hey now

 **JB:** I was compromised

 **JB:** AND under the control of a handler. Don’t gotta think when you got one of them.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Webs, call this feral raccoon’s secondary owner please.

 **SM:** already done. He says, and I quote, ‘no. He stays outside. He knows what he’s done.’

 **JB:** ☹

 **S2:** I don’t understand how you work, Mr. Barnes.

 **JB:** I have only a vague understanding myself, hon, don’t worry about it.

 **JB:** anyways, what I was saying before this was that I have done the research on you, BT. And have learned that you are 5’ 7” and approximately 140lbs with black hair and black and white suit. What is your aim in joining up with Daredevil?

 **BT:** okay, one?

 **BT:** Like fuck I’d tell you

 **BT:** and two? I’m 5’7.25” so go to hell

 **DD:** watch your mouth when speaking to our potential allies

 **BT:** you told Frank Castle to die in a sewer yesterday

 **DD:** he is not an ally

 **DD:** he is an obstacle at best

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : yeah but would you fuck him, red?

 **DD:** Depends for how much

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : 10k

 **DD:** keep going

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : 15k

 **DD:** I have a business to run, Wade. It ain’t cheap. Keep going.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : 23k?

 **DD:** yeah probably

 **S2:** Red you can be bought for so little

 **DD:** I’d break Wilson Fisk’s jaw for free?

 **SM:** yeah but would you sleep with him?

 **DD:** never ask me that again

 **SM:** you started it

 **BT:** Husband is texting NYC Contact to let her know that you said you’d fuck Frank Castle for less than 25 grand, teach

 **DD:** …excuse me. I must go mitigate a disaster waiting to happen.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I mean, I’d fuck him for $50

 **S2:** *k

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : no no. Just $50

 **JB:** Get standards Wilson

 **JB:** oh by the way, sorry about your cat

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : don’t fucking speak of it

 **JB:** Steve’s pleaded with Sam for a day and a half now and I think we are on the cusp of kitten acquisition tho, so if you need to get rid of one or two, that’s an option.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I will…keep that in mind.

 **DD:** CAT

 **BT:** no. Go back.

 **SM:** KITTENS

 **SM:** Bella is gonna have babies??? For real for real??

 **S2:** lol yeah. She’s hella hormonal

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Listen.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I have taken 5 separate medications in the last hour.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : this is the anniversary of my would-be-wife’s death

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I cannot handle discussion of the goddamned cat right now.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : so please, can we just. Not.

 **SM:** oh shit, Wade I’m so sorry I forgot

 **DD:** ah

 **DD:** that sucks Wade, sorry to hear that. Would you like an orphanage story to cheer you up?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : yes, actually that would be great

 **S2:** a what?

 **S3:** ^^

 **S4:** ?

 **SM:** Red is secretly Annie and grew up in an orphanage

 **DD:** Red is majorly traumatized by the foster care system but I have a great many tales from my time in it

 **BT:** they are all borderline unbelievable

 **DD:** Wade, I have one about a peanut butter heist or one about a game of telephone gone wrong. Pick your poison.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : telephone.

 **DD:** okay so it was a dark and stormy night

 **S2:** oh here we go

 **DD:** and we had I think 6 kids in our dorm this year. I think I was 12?

 **DD:** **[voice message]** 12 or 13. Was on break between foster home 2 and 3. Doesn’t matter. There was this kid Raleigh.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : what was Raleigh like

 **DD:** nervous.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : why was he nervous?

 **DD: [voice message]** because it was his sister who’d fucked one of the visiting seminary students who were supposed to chaperone our yearly carnival exodus.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : OH MY GOD

 **DD: [voice message]** Yes, that’s what we all said. And then we said, “Nayeli, why did you ruin this for us? We never get nice things and this is exactly why.”

 **SM:** what did Nayeli say?

 **DD: [voice message]** She told us that we were brats and to get scarce before she made us.

 **DD: [voice message]** Not the point though. The point is that Nayeli fucked this seminary student. He was in crisis, Raleigh was in crisis for him and his sister, and we were all in crisis for Raleigh.

 **DD:** **[voice message]** The next morning after they screwed around, the students were supposed to visit with the Father to talk to the volunteers and the nuns, right?

 **S2:** right

 **DD:** **[voice message]** But this seminary student who I forget the name of--let’s call him ‘Jake’--Jake is maybe 19 and shitting himself over his sins and we all know he’s waiting for an opportunity to get the Father alone to discuss everything and drop out of school to repent or whatever.

 **DD: [voice message]** Obviously if the Father found out about Nayeli, our carnival day would be cut short by prayer for compassion and forgiveness or whatever--either that or by homework, depending on how the Father was feeling--so we, the youths, decided that we were going to shift the window of opportunity for Jake and the Father’s discussion until after the carnival.

 **DD: [voice message]** But Jake, apparently, looked guilty as hell, so we, in adolescent genius, took it upon ourselves to explain to the Sisters why he was feeling under the weather to get them to bully him back to bed for the time being.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : which you did by?

 **DD:** well

 **DD: [voice message]** Raleigh told me to tell the sisters that I was feeling sick from dinner yesterday. Which I did. Which we all did. But then Chris told Raleigh right afterwards that the girls had already said that it they felt fine, which was the first flaw in our telephone plan.

 **DD: [voice message]** A lesson in mass coordination was learned by all in about 15 seconds.

 **DD: [voice message]** So to fix that, Chris went out and climbed up into the girl’s dorm and told them what was what and they were, of course, immediately game to play sick. But the older girls said that we were all dumbasses and that we had to just let Jake tell the Father.

 **DD: [voice message]** So at this point we picked up Adversaries Group 1.

 **S2:** omg

 **S3:** this sounds like a movie

 **DD:** we had a lot of time and the Sandlot on DVD and VHS. What did you expect?

 **DD:** anyways

 **DD: [voice message]** The older girls went off to confront Nayeli and make her fess up so the rest of us didn’t get in trouble. But the chances of everyone going unpunished when we all knew about Nayeli’s fuck up was slim, so the rest of us agreed that the girls would go set off the smoke alarm in their dorm and the boys would hurry off and tell the nuns that Nayeli was smoking weed in the North wing. 

**DD: [voice message]** In hindsight this was a flawless plan

 **DD:** **[voice message]** With the exception that most of us were under the age of 13 and lived in a highly Catholic institution.

 **DD:** **[voice message]** Anyways. We hurry off and tell one of the Sisters that Nayeli is smoking weed. She freaks out at the fire alarm and rushes off to call the fire department and on the way grabs another Sister and tells her that one of the kids has drugs on the premises again.

 **DD:** **[voice message]** This Sister is not a fool.

 **DD:** **[voice message]** I suspect that this Sister has smoked herself in her youth.

 **DD: [voice message]** She tells the first nun that the place doesn’t smell like weed and asks her where she heard that from.

 **DD:** **[voice message]** We all make ourselves scarce.

 **DD: [voice message]** Or try to.

 **DD:** **[voice message]** But nuns are invincible, you see, so we get maybe a toe out of the main hall before she’s calling our bluff and demanding to know how we knew what Nayeli was smoking was weed.

 **DD:** **[voice message]** The fire department is literally on its way now.

 **DD:** **[voice message]** Sirens are blaring.

 **DD:** **[voice message]** Raleigh panics and says that he knows because he smokes weed.

 **DD:** **[voice message]** We are 12.

 **DD:** **[voice message]** Sister Nun now knows something else is up.

 **DD:** **[voice message]** Asks us what weed smells like in full knowledge that none of us has so much as sniffed a joint.

 **DD:** **[voice message]** the answer is not grape. Just fyi.

 **S2:** ADFSDFJS:DFSDf

 **DD:** **[voice message]** Sister Nun asks us what we’re hiding.

 **DD:** **[voice message]** We lie. Repeat the weed line.

 **DD:** **[voice message]** Sister Nun reminds us that liars do not make it into the kingdom of heaven.

 **DD:** **[voice message]** “Your souls will be damned to eternal hellfire,” I believe she said. “So ‘fess up.”

 **DD:** **[voice message]** We remain approximately 12 and under. Hellfire is very scary. We listened to a reading of Dante’s inferno the other week. So we fess up. We tell her that Nayeli is not only smoking out behind the chapel, but she’s been seeing a guy out there in a sexy kind of way. Sister Nun is horrified.

 **DD: [voice message]** Sister Nun sends us all to bed even though it is eleven in the morning.

 **DD:** **[voice message]** We go. Sister Nun chases the fire department out of the place by telling them that she’s got bigger problems than their damn hoses. Nayeli knows what’s up. Sister Nun corners her.

 **DD:** **[voice message]** Nayeli tells the Sister that we’re all lying and mad because she caught us smoking a joint out in the yard.

 **DD:** **[voice message]** Sister Nun is armed with the knowledge that we think weed smells like grapes.

 **DD: [voice message]** Sister Nun asks Nayeli if she’s been promiscuous.

 **DD:** **[voice message]** Nayeli says that that’s between her and God.

 **DD:** **[voice message]** Sister Nun asks her dead straight if she’s fucking Jake, the seminary student.

 **DD:** **[voice message]** yes. Obviously she is.

 **DD:** **[voice message]** Sister Nun tells her that she better hope that pregnancy isn’t her divine punishment and sends her to her room. But, at this point, a flood of seminary students show up all talking at once.

 **DD:** **[voice message]** They say that it wasn’t Jake who fucked around with Nayeli. It was this other guy who stole Jake’s identity and is trying to frame him for crimes against God.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Red. This. This is wild.

 **DD:** **[voice message]** I never said that anyone in this story was smart. The only thing we were was Catholic.

 **SM:** I’m cryiNG

 **DD:** **[voice message]** So the seminary students are now on the ‘hunt’ for this impersonator on behalf of their buddy who’s strayed from the path, and Jake, we learn from Nayeli and two of the oldest girls, is currently sobbing in his bunk.

 **DD:** **[voice message]** Raleigh decides enough is enough. This is ridiculous. He goes out to defend his sister’s honor and sneaks into Jake’s room and tells him the only way to make this right is for him to marry his sister.

 **S2:** oh my GOD

 **DD:** **[voice message]** We all agree with him that this is truly the only way forward and support his decision.

 **S2:** OH MY GOD

 **S3:** DD, you said ‘telephone.’ This isn’t telephone. This is a rollercoaster.

 **DD:** **[voice message]** I said telephone gone wrong. I don’t know how more wrong this game of telephone could go.

 **S3:** you know what? That’s totally fair. Please go on.

 **DD:** Okay.

 **DD:** **[voice message]** Raleigh tells Jake he’s got to marry his sister and Jake breaks down and agrees to do it. Because this is obviously the only way out of this situation.

 **DD:** **[voice message]** So now a proposal is on.

 **DD:** **[voice message]** Raleigh comes back to the dorm. Tells us the situation. We are helpless in the face of true love, so we agree to help him distract the Sisters while he and the girls get Jake and Nayeli together somewhere for long enough to make a proposal.

 **DD:** **[voice message]** This is harder than it sounds because Sister Nun is aware of the circumstances. She must be stopped from telling the Father before Jake can propose.

 **DD:** **[voice message]** It is at this point where I am selected to represent my fellows.

 **SM:** please explain why

 **S4:** PLEASE

 **DD:** **[voice message]** Because I have been scolded many _many_ times for climbing on the roof

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : AHSDASHDF:KDF

 **DD: [voice message]** We all know I can get up there and we all know that this will grab attention immediately.

 **BT:** I’m honestly shocked that the Sisters didn’t ship you off to Iceland for the rest of your youth, Boss.

 **DD:** **[voice message]** They threatened to send me on a mission with one of the novices at least twice a year, don’t you worry.

 **DD:** **[voice message]** But back to this story.

 **DD:** **[voice message]** I climb on the roof.

 **DD:** **[voice message]** Accidently forget that the fire department is still out front.

 **SM:** O H MY GOD

 **DD:** I **[voice message]** Am now on the run from the fire department.

 **BT:** TEACH

 **S2:** ASDHADHSHasdlfhsd;kfjsdf

 **S3:** oh **no**

 **DD:** **[voice message]** I don’t actually know what went on inside during that time, I was a little busy. But I do know that by the time one of the firefighters carried me back indoors kicking and screaming, my social worker was there and she was pissed. Actually a whole lot of social workers were there and they were all pissed and all us kids got about four sermons minimum from every authority in our lives at that time.

 **DD:** **[voice message]** But you know who proposed?

 **S2:** JAKE??

 **DD:** **[voice message]** fuckin’ Jake

 **DD:** **[voice message]** And somehow the two of those knuckleheads got married and had four kids, all of whom go to my church back home, and no one has ever mentioned or asked how they got together.

 **DD:** the end.

 **SM:** I

 **SM:** am

 **SM:** **sobbing**

 **S2:** Red that’s beautiful

 **DD:** does this help, Wade?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : asd;fkljasd;fl yes

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : it helps

 **DD:** I’m glad. Pouring one out for your girl over here.

 **SM:** Same

 **S3:** hold on lemme get a glass

 **S4:** I want to join!

 **S4:** How do I join?

 **S2:** go to your mom’s liquor cabinet and get a shotglass.

 **S4:** just a sec

 **S4:** okay done

 **S2:** you have apple juice?

 **S4:** OJ?

 **S2:** Close enough. Hold on let me get us some glasses, Wade.

 **BT:** **[image]** ready when you are.

**SM: [image]**

**S2: [image]**

**S3: [image]**

**D2:** oh shit we’re pouring things out? Gimme a sec, the kid took a swig of vodka last week so I had to hide it. Just a min

**S4: [image]**

**D2:** here we are

 **D2:** **[image]**

 **SM:** To Vanessa!

 **S2:** To Vanessa!

 **S3:** To Vanessa!

 **S4:** To Wade’s lady!

 **D2:** May she rest in peace!

 **DD:** To Vanessa, sister in arms.

 **BT:** And sister in spirit.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : y’all are makin me cry. Thanks you. She woulda loved all of you.

 **JB:** Would she tho?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL HERE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So when Matt tells longer stories, he uses the voice message function and these are later typed out and the transcript is edited before it is posted. In case that wasn't super clear. 
> 
> *Peter also changed the names of the people in Matt's story when he wrote it out.
> 
> Also, just a note: I started this fic with the intention to only have to do it for few weeks, but since our current situation is gonna be a minute, there is just no way I can keep that up (I have other fics in the pipeline that I want to write!). So I'm shooting for twelve to fourteen chapters instead 👍 They'll probably cover a few weeks total. Thanks for your understanding!


	9. [redacted]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **The Beast (D2 Child):** aunts dogs name is Rollup. Like fruit roll up cuz she’s a whole serving size. We call her Lola Rolla tho cuz she deserves it
> 
>  **SM:** AHAHA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The group temporarily sets up a Discord for this chat and things get a little busy.  
> Keep an eye out for name changes. Most of them are pretty clear. 
> 
> The Beast (D2 Child) = Dave's daughter Charlie  
> Superior BT/BT's Sis = Hannah Chung, Sam's sister  
> SM Auntie = May Parker  
> DD's Husband = Foggy

**Blindspot** : Okay, y’all asked and we did our best to deliver and I’m never forgiving any of you. **link**

 **Little Spidey (Pink):** Twitter we are never asking any of you for requests ever again. **link**

 **Spiderman 4.0:** Hi, so we attempted to let our family and friends join us in the chat, guy, as requested. We had to move it to a different chatroom though because **[redacted]** so don’t mind the new set up. And just know things got a little…let’s say out of hand in places. **link**

\---

**BT Sis: [image]**

**BT Sis:** FIRST MOTHERFUCKERS

 **BT:** ohmygod, put flaming elmo away I’m so sorry everyone, she’s always like this

 **BT Sis:** Suck it

 **BT:** **sibling.**

 **BT Sis:** YOU CANT TELL ME WHAT TO DO

 **BT:** yes I can. I'm four years older than you go take a bath

 **BT Sis:** EAT SHIT BOOMER

 **SM:** omg

 **S2:** omg

 **S3:** If my sister spoke that way to me I’d cry

 **S2:** awwww

 **SM Auntie:** that’s sweet

 **SM Auntie:** oh! What a cute username! Did you make this for me **[redacted]**?

 **SM:** No, **[redacted]** , you can’t use names. No names!!

 **SM Auntie:** challenging

 **SM:** you can do it!!

 **SM Auntie:** I’m gonna try my best!!

 **SM:** 💪☝👍

 **SM Auntie:** 💪🕸🕷☝

 **SM:** ❤❤❤

 **S2:** omg they’re so cute

 **DD’s Handsome and Beloved: [redacted]** Change the name or suffer the consequences

 **DD:** but it is everything you are and are meant to be?

 **DD Handsome and Beloved:** Change the name or suffer the consequences.

 **S3:** oh shit

 **S4:** yikes

 **DD:** I don’t know how ask the Spiderkid

 **DD’s Handsome and Beloved:** **[redacted]** I will burn this place to the ground

 **SM:** Right click. Change nickname

 **DD’s Husband and Future Murderer:** Thank you

 **SM:** akdfa;sldjfsdf

 **DP – I hate all the emojis on this platform:** GET IT BABES

 **SM:** Wade no. Change it to something clearer

 **DP – I don’t know what you’re talking about:** What is unclear?

 **S2:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhh

 **SM:** this is going to be a shitshow

 **BT:** Abort abort abort

 **S3:** gonna be messy

 **S4:** My friend said he can’t do it ☹

 **S3:** I know, I haven’t told anyone so there’s no one for me either

 **S2:** My little sis wants to do it but my big sis told me that we’d both die if that happened so I guess it’s just the chuckleheads who’ve got folks

 **S4:** honestly, that’s probably enough

 **SM Auntie:** I am already overwhelmed 😊

 **S2:** aww, don’t be. It’ll be easier as we go on.

 **DP (selling cat. $20 starting price):** or not

 **SM Auntie:** oh Wade. Did you bring **[redacted]**?

 **SM:** NAMES

 **SM Auntie:** sorry sorry!

 **SM Auntie:** Did you bring your little one?

 **DP (SM sent me 45 threatening messages just now about my name):** she is not old enough to read or spell fast enough for this medium. This would not end well for any of us.

 **SM Auntie:** oh that’s fair. Tell her I say hi!

 **Wade (fine, but not for you, Webs):** copy that

 **Superior BT:** hey are you really Deadpool?

 **BT:** You are not funny, change it back. you’re confusing people.

 **Superior BT:** make me

 **BT:** I’m telling mom

 **Superior BT:** what’s she gonna do? Smack me from beyond the grave?

 **BT:** I’m telLING MOM

 **Superior BT:** do it

 **S3:** omg

 **BT:** Hi, mom. Hope heaven is great. **[redacted]** is disrespecting me, her eldest and only brother AGAIN. Make. Her. STOP.

 **Superior BT:** as if mom’s in heaven.

 **BT:** THAT IS OUR MOTHER

 **BT:** You bring shame upon this family

 **Superior BT:** **_I_** bring shame upon this family? **_You_** went out an became a vigilante while mom was still alive and then you **_lied_ **to her about it.

 **BT:** I would never lie to our mother how dare you

 **Superior BT:** you lied to our mother _daily_

 **S2:** wow family counseling needed here stat

 **S3:** ^

 **S4:** I wish I had a sibling ☹ you all seem to be having so much fun

 **BT:** I’m banning you

 **Superior BT:** oh I’m so scared. Oh woe is me.

 **Superior BT:** oh wait no that’s just the sexism. Why do you getting banning powers, brother of mine? Think about that. Think about why mom liked you better.

 **BT:** maybe it was because I didn’t stuff dead rats in her slippers? did you ever think of that one??

 **Superior BT:** No one told me what I supposed to do with them

 **BT:** I LITERALLY DID

 **Superior BT:** That was your fault then you should have been watching me better

 **BT:** I. WAS. 7.

 **DD:** youths please cease

 **BT:** fine

 **Superior BT:** you don’t own me, gingerbread

 **SM:** ffffffffffffffffffffffff

 **Wade:** HA

 **S2:** OH MY GOD. BT, I LOVE HER.

 **DD’s Husband:** That’s rude.

 **BT:** Fucking rude. Apologize.

 **Superior BT:** Why should I? He stole my brother and encouraged illegal activity.

 **BT:** Because he’s my teacher and I respect him. Apologize. Now. I mean it.

 **Superior BT:** okay fine, I’m sorry that was uncalled for. It’s not your fault **[redacted]** is an idiot.

 **SM:** Names, guys. **Names** _._

 **Superior BT:** oh shit my bad. Sorry **[redacted]**.

 **SM:** this is impossible. I’m going to have a stroke.

 **D2 Child:** hi!!

 **S2:** oh my god, hey you!!

 **S3:** Hi!!!

 **D2:** hey all. Have successfully added the beast to the server. This thing is kind of wild, no?

 **DD:** *inaccessible

 **D2:** oh really?

> \--
> 
> **DD >> SM:** I literally cannot keep up with this. Reader isn’t working. I’m gonna do my best, but might have to sit some of this one out.
> 
> **SM >> DD:** damn. Sorry about that. The version I sent you wasn’t any better?
> 
> **DD >> SM:** not really. JAWS is freaking out and skipping things.
> 
> **SM >> DD:** damn. That’s shitty. We can use another format?
> 
> **DD >> SM:** no, it’s okay. We’ll make do. Fogs is helping a lot. It would be great if the chat could be slowed down, though?
> 
> **SM >> DD:** That I can do.
> 
> **DD >> SM: **thanks
> 
> \--

**D2 Child:** dad I don’t like this name I want to be the beast.

 **D2:** okay

 **The Beast (D2 Child)** : yesssssssssssssssssssss

 **S2:** Dave you are like the coolest dad ever. My dad would have just said no

 **D2:** that’s nice of you to say

 **The Beast (D2 Child):** HE’S THE BEST DAD

 **S3:** aw

 **S4:** no, my dad’s the best dad

 **The Beast (D2 Child):** you’re wrong

 **D2:** hey now

 **The Beast (D2 Child):** sorry you’re wrong from MY perspective

 **S3:** oh my god

 **S4:** I don’t think we’ve met?

 **The Beast (D2 Child):** no. You’re the black one?

 **D2:** ASDJFK:SDFJSD

 **D2:** IM SO SORRY

 **S3:** lol

 **S4:** I mean. Yes? In more ways than one?

 **The Beast (D2 Child):** neat.

 **S4:** ✊🏾✊🏾

 **The Beast (D2 Child):** ✊✊

 **S2:** Dave it’s going to be okay. Stop typing it’s been 2 minutes

 **S3:** it’s fine Dave. They’re around the same age, they understand each other

 **The Beast (D2 Child):** wait you’re 12?

 **S4:** nope

 **The Beast (D2 Child):** up or down

 **S4:** Up. But not much. I’m not supposed to say

 **The Beast (D2 Child):** worm

 **S4:** 🤙🏾

 **SM Auntie:** awwwww

 **S2:** ^

 **BT:** Sibling, take notes on proper discussion etiquette

 **BT (Superior) Sis:** they’re babies. Is that legal?

 **BT:** what do you think?

 **BT (Superior) Sis:** are you talking down to me?

 **BT:** what? No. I was just asking what you thought? Also you’re my only sister, you can’t be the superior one.

 **BT (Superior) Sis:** that’s quitter talk

 **BT:** do we…have another sibling?

 **BT (Superior) Sis:** Mom you _whore_

 **BT:** dgsdfddjfalsdf

 **BT:** take it back take it back she’s gonna see it in the afterlife and haunt us

 **BT (Superior) Sis:** I can’t she already saw it. sorry BB

 **BT:** rip

 **BT (Superior) Sis:** rip (mom)

 **BT:** adshkdhfaskdfhsdkfjdl;kfdfs

 **S2:** it’s cute how you two make each other laugh

 **BT:** I’m not laughing

 **BT Sis:** we don’t laugh

 **BT:** This is a no emotions household.

 **BT Sis:** Amen UwU

 **BT:** UwU

 **DD’s Husband:** you two scream at each other on the phone every day

 **BT Sis:** he knows too much

 **BT:** UwU must die

 **DD:** take it back.

 **BT:** yes sir

 **Wade:** HEY.

 **Wade:** Invisi-sibling.

 **Wade:** call me sir.

 **BT Sis:** on what grounds

 **Wade:** no one else will and it hurts my feelings

 **BT Sis:** that’s weird **[redacted]** calls everyone sir. He’s oppressed like that.

 **BT:** NAMES

 **BT Sis:** sorry sorry. Damn. This is hard.

 **SM Auntie:** it really is!!

 **S2:** wait Auntie can you tell us a baby Spidey story??

 **SM:** there are no baby Spidey stories, I was a perfect child.

 **SM Auntie:** he really was ❤

 **SM:** see? It’s Y’ALL who are the problems with this team

 **SM Auntie:** we did lose 4 backpacks in one year once because we kept forgetting where we webbed them up in the city after school though ❤

 **SM:** IM SORRY I HAVENT DONE IT SINCE

 **SM Auntie:** I know honey. But you really could use a new one now.

 **S3:** wholesome…

 **S2:** ikr?

 **SM:** I don’t need a new one. What’s wrong with mine now?

 **SM Auntie:** it has holes in it.

 **SM:** it’s a backpack, it’s supposed to have holes in it.

 **S2:** bruh

 **S3:** Spidey have you seen your backpack?

 **S4:** it’s cool

 **S3:** no

 **S4:** _yeah_

 **SM:** yeah, it’s badass. what about it?

 **SM Auntie:** holes in the sides. Holes should only be on the top of a backpack.

 **SM:** I mean, if it bothers you that much, I’ve got time and tape?

 **SM Auntie:** please refrain

 **DD’s Husband:** Kid you have an income now.

 **SM:** what

 **DD’s Husband:** money may be exchanged for goods and services.

 **SM:** I don’t understand.

 **SM Auntie: [redacted]**! How’ve you been?! I haven’t heard from you since the wedding.

 **SM:** names. Names. NAMES, PEOPLE. It’s gonna take me _years_ to edit this.

 **DD’s Husband:** have been okay. Have been prescribed ‘zero outside time’ by my doctor, which sucks. But DD brings the great outdoors inside for me, so that’s been helpful

 **S2:** ?

 **DD:** history of being immune-comprised

 **DD’s Husband:** not great, not great

 **S2:** damn. DD you better be full-body disinfecting when you come back in.

 **DD:** have been informed that showering in disinfectant is ‘overkill.’

 **DD’s Husband:** but the raccoon was somehow warranted?

 **DD:** I thought you were missing them

 **DD’s Husband:** we both know that’s a lie

 **DD:** I thought it would make you laugh?

 **DD’s Husband:** and how did that pan out for you?

 **DD:** poorly

 **DD’s Husband:** if only you could apply this logic to the vigilante thing, then we’d be in business. Literally in business. As in, I wouldn’t have to pick up your fucking slack in our business.

 **DD:** am bringing coffee now.

 **DD’s Husband:** thank you

 **S2:** husband, what is it like having power over one of the most dangerous people in the country?

 **DD’s Husband:** not too bad. BT stays in his room until physically dragged out

 **BT:** 😀

 **BT’s Sis:** pft. you’re not dangerous. I’ve had pillows more dangerous than you.

 **BT:** why can’t you let me have nice things?

 **S2:** lol

 **DD:** I’m not even in the top ten of that list, LS.

 **BT:** unfortunately

 **Wade:** yeah, idk if even I’d make it in the top ten, hon.

 **S2:** that’s…terrifying.

 **Wade:** c’est la vie.

 **S2:** ew French

 **S3:** yikes wade, showing some Canadian there

 **Wade:** I was going to say something but I don’t want to start a civil war, so I won’t

 **S2:** I’m sorry, _you_ don’t want to start a civil war?

 **Wade:** Canadians are very sensitive about French.

 **S3:** wade you’re job is to punch people in their dicks. What does this matter to you?

 **The Beast (D2 Child):** I want that job

 **D2:** no you don’t

 **The Beast (D2 Child):** yeah I do

 **Wade:** oooooh, okay. I’ve got steps, are you prepared for the challenge?

 **D2:** Wade please don’t encourage this. She’s already been suspended from online school. I can’t be doing another virtual parent-teacher conference. Her mom’s gonna kill me.

 **The Beast (D2 Child):** I’m prepared!!

 **Wade:** okay, so your first job is to have a terrible childhood.

 **The Beast (D2 Child):** Check!!

 **D2:** I’m sorry, _what?_

 **SM:** sldjasldfjsdlfjs

 **S2:** HA

 **S3:** oh wow

 **Wade:** good work. Next step is to join the army.

 **The Beast (D2 Child):** but dad said the army’s for squares and bootlickers.

 **SM:** AFSA:KSDFJSDF

 **DD:** Yessss

 **D2:** WE ARE DONE WITH COMPUTER TIME NOW

 **S2:** Dave oh my god I had no idea you were so anti-state??

 **D2:** I’m not?? I’m very pro-government! I’m just anti-war!! It’s different!

 **S3:** “squares and bootlickers”

 **D2:** IT IS RHETORIC

 **DD:** I don’t see the problem

 **DD’s Husband:** you never do

 **DD:** eyyyy

 **DD’s Husband:** eyyyyyyy

 **BT:** oh my god this is awful, someone take the couple out of the chat. They’re gonna start flirting

 **DD:** Flirting? You want flirting, I hear?

 **DD’s Husband:** are we flirting now?

 **DD:** yes

 **DD:** so

 **DD:** do you come here often?

 **DD’s Husband:** no, but if you keep bringing me drinks, that could change.

 **SM:** jesus help us

 **SM Auntie:** I think it’s sweet! I remember when you two first got together!

 **DD:** oh shit sorry pal, I got a thing

 **DD’s Husband:** amazing. I’ve got a thing in the opposite direction happening right **now**

 **SM:** what the fuck? Are you two seriously embarrassed right now? About _that_??

 **BT:** they only like to be disgusting if it’s their own idea

 **SM Auntie:** DD, you were so shy ❤❤❤❤

 **DD:** Excuse me I must go suffocate

 **SM Auntie:** you didn’t want to tell anyone how you felt but it was all over your face

 **DD’s Husband:** YOU WERE SHY, DOUBLE DICK?? WE ROOMED TOGETHER FOR 3 YEARS.

 **DD:** I HAVE TRAUMA.

 **DD’s Husband:** YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW THAT?

 **DD:** stop doing this people are watching

 **DD’s Husband:** Because WE ROOMED TOGETHER FOR 3 YEARS.

 **S2:** omg ‘double dick’

 **DD’s Husband:** How the fuck were you shy about this?? I have walked in on you actively fucking so many people

 **DD:** There are children present, Mr. Daredevil. For shame.

 **DD’s Husband:** Esteemed Aunt. Please share more.

 **DD:** please share less.

 **BT:** wow y’all definitely skipped that part of your love story when you told it to me

 **Wade:** hoo boy you have no idea

 **DD:** I will take every one of your soon-to-be cats for no money whatsoever if you keep your trap shut

 **Wade:** 😊

 **DD’s Husband:** I think not. We already have two dogs and an apprentice in this house. There is no room for the supply of Benadryl that having cats would warrant.

 **DD:** you’re no fun.

 **BT Sis:** you know, I think I am revising my opinions of you guys. I thought the ginger one was evil incarnate, but actually I’m seeing now that he’s just whipped for one person and one person only

 **DD:** What is this? Bully DD hour?

 **DD’s Husband:** actually here are 4 of us he listens to.

 **BT Sis:** how do I get on that list?

 **DD:** you will never get on that list.

 **Wade:** I’m on the list if I’ve got some dirt.

 **DD’s Husband:** that’s true

 **DD:** fuck off I’m leaving if you’re all just going to be horrible.

**S2:** Auntieeeee

 **SM Auntie:** yes?

 **S2:** tell us baby spidey storiessssss

 **SM Auntie:** I don’t have any that are okay to share

 **S2:** ☹

 **SM Auntie:** sorry ☹

 **S3:** why aren’t they okay to share?

 **SM Auntie:** very personal.

 **S3:** that’s understandable

 **S2:** okay can you just tell us what baby Spidey was like then?

 **SM Auntie:** oh sure

 **SM Auntie:** he was very well behaved and shy.

 **S3:** aww

 **S2:** that’s boring

 **SM Auntie:** 😊 It wasn’t boring for me! I wasn’t prepared to have kids at all so I took anything that I could get!

 **S3:** that’s fair

 **S2:** yeah I guess.

 **SM:** what’s the matter? Y’all disappointed with the lack of shit you can talk about me?

 **S2:** yeah

 **S3:** lol what happened Spidey? You went from meek to disaster overnight.

 **SM:** yeah a traumatic event will do that to you.

 **SM Auntie:** repeated brain injury will too ❤

 **SM:** that felt pointed

 **SM Auntie:** ❤

 **SM:** I haven’t smashed my head against anything for like, six months now

 **SM Auntie:** oh really? Then what were you doing this morning on the counter?

 **SM:** …it helps me think

 **SM Auntie:** I don’t like it. Think in other ways.

 **SM:** I can’t

 **SM Auntie:** you can.

 **SM:** okay I’ll try

 **SM Auntie:** thank you

 **S2:** Auntie tell us about Spirulina

 **SM Auntie:** !!

 **SM:** Why would you do that to me girl

 **SM Auntie:** I have heard!! About this purple fruit!!

 **SM:** dragon fruit

 **SM Auntie:** I want to try it!!

 **SM:** you’ve already tried it

 **SM Auntie:** that one wasn’t right. I want to try a better one!

 **SM:** they’re all like that.

 **SM Auntie:** hush you. that one wasn’t right.

 **SM:** BT

 **BT:** sup

 **SM:** you’ve eaten hella dragon fruit, right?

 **BT:** yeah it’s in a lot of desserts rn

 **SM:** please tell my aunt that it is supposed to be bland as fuck

 **BT:** oh

 **BT:** did you not know this?

 **BT Sis:** Its boring and purely there for the aesthetic

 **BT:** what she means is that dragon fruit is very mild and some people really like it for that

 **BT Sis:** AKA: boring

 **BT:** AKA not everything you eat has to feel like a punch to the face

 **BT Sis:** I don’t get it

 **BT:** tea

 **BT Sis:** oh. now I get it

 **S2:** what happened between you two? You seem much more chill now.

 **BT Sis:** we watched two hours of korean soaps on stream

 **BT:** there’s this one about this girl who’s a ghost and this other girl who’s a chef

 **BT Sis:** and this ghost girl possesses the chef girl, who’s in love with her head chef

 **BT:** and she makes the head chef fall in love with her

 **BT Sis:** but then there’s murder

**BT: murder**

**BT Sis:** **murder**

 **BT Sis:** so we’re invested now

 **BT:** ^

 **S2:** you guys are wild. I’ve been watching Wade try to talk Bella into imagining that she’s not pregnant for half an hour. I don’t know what he came into the kitchen for but he doesn’t seem like he’s leaving any time soon.

 **S3:** Where’s Dave?

 **D2:** present

 **S3:** what are you and the Beast doing?

 **The Beast (D2 Child):** we’re making dad birthday things

 **S4:** I want to make birthday things

 **The Beast (D2 Child):** you can if you want. Mom’s making them on facetime with us.

 **S2:** what are birthday things?

 **D2:** apparently we need to cover all the doors in the house in streamers

 **The Beast (D2 Child):** it’s _festive_ , parental unit

 **S2:** lol

 **S3:** ‘parental unit’ omg

 **D2:** it is an unnecessary waste of paper at best. I am here for Rolla and Rolla only

 **S3:** Rolla?

 **The Beast (D2 Child):** aunts dogs name is Rollup. Like fruit roll up cuz she’s a whole serving size. We call her Lola Rolla tho cuz she deserves it

 **SM:** AHAHA

 **SM Auntie:** That’s precious

 **The Beast (D2 Child):** we made dad a lola rolla cake cuz he’s her biggest fan

 **D2:** I would die for this dog

 **D2:** and now excuse me because my fam is going to kill me when they learn from this chat what bullshit I’ve been doing at night

 **The Beast (D2 Child):** oh you don’t have to worry about that. Mom figured it out 2 months in and told everyone already

 **D2:** …

**S2: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhh**

**S3:** whoops

 **D2:** I have a phonecall to make. Spiderchildren. Please babysit.

 **S2:** Dave you have to remarry her now, she knows your darkest secret

 **The Beast (D2 Child):** they don’t wanna be married anymore tho. Mom’s got a new boyfriend who’s not half as good as my dad, but he’s fine if you like body builders.

 **S3:** Im going to cry

 **SM:** Is dave not a body builder?

 **The Beast (D2 Child):** no dad’s a reformed anarchist

 **S3:** I am now crying

 **SM:** that explains why DD’s Husband was into his band then

 **DD’s Husband:** beg pardon?

 **S3:** Spidey

 **SM:** holy shit

 **SM:** No you’re absolutely right this is our chance

 **SM:** Husband. Please tell us about Dave’s old metal band

 **DD’s Husband:** oh yes, I remember this conversation. I dyed my hair purple because of their bassist

 **DD:** how dare you speak of past loves without me

 **DD’s Husband:** Go back outside I was admiring your ass gardening

 **DD:** hm

 **S2:** Husband used Flatter. It was very effective.

 **DD:** you are on my list, small one.

 **S2:** spot the lie old man

 **DD’s Husband:** yeah I don’t remember Dave too much because obviously I was busy. But I remember the red mohawk.

 **SM:** THE WHAT

 **The Beast (D2 Child):** the mohawk!!! Dad come back you gotta tell em about the mohawk!! It was a faux hawk when I was born

 **SM:** my life has turned upside down

 **S2:** Dave. With a cherry red faux hawk. Someone hold me. Someone fan me.

 **The Beast (D2 Child):** it wasn’t all red. It was striped 😀 He helped me stripe my hair with blue like Auntie’s

 **SM:** wait so your aunt with the dog was your dad’s bandmate?

 **The Beast (D2 Child):** yeah she was the drummer. She and dad are metal siblings. They got matching tattoos before the band split up.

 **S2:** DAVID COME BACK AND SHOW US YOUR TATS

 **D2:** this is enough internet time. Let’s go make my life miserable in other places hell-child.

 **The Beast (D2 Child):** k

 **The Beast (D2 Child):** byyyyyye

 **S3:** byyyyye

 **S4:** bye!! Text me I want to be friends

 **The Beast (D2 Child):** okay I will!!

 **S2:** Dave. You must show us the Tats.

 **D2:** no thank you I don’t need anyone recognizing them on the internet.

 **SM:** and here I thought I was alone in tats-land on this team

 **S3:** aww, wait, Auntie do you like Spidey’s tats? Do you approve?

 **SM:** sorry she left to go read more mom blog accounts of dragon fruit, hold on let me get her.

 **BT:** I want a tat

 **BT Sis:** okay let’s go get you one. I’ll hold your hand while you cry in the chair

 **BT:** thanks

 **S2:** do you have tats??

 **BT Sis:** me? Oh yeah. I’ve got 4. Invisiboy went to acrobat school though and they beat tattoo-loving out of him there.

 **BT:** they told me that it made people look dirty 😥

 **BT Sis:** but then he turned around and totally helped me forge mom’s signature to get my first one

 **BT:** Dear Mom in the afterlife, I’m sorry. I only did it one more time after that

 **S2:** you two are wild

 **BT Sis:** no our mom just super tightly wound. And **[redacted]** has a guilt complex because he’s the first and only son.

 **S2:** ah

 **S3:** that explains a lot actually

 **BT:** I have responsibilitiesssssssssssssssssssss

 **BT Sis:** mama’s boy

 **BT:** wow

 **BT:** you know I can’t fight back that’s horrible of you

 **S2:** you could be a papa’s boy now if you accept Red into your heart as your true and distant father?

 **BT:** I would rather drink mouthwash thanks

 **BT Sis:** too tall. Too scruffy. Too good at catching vermin.

 **BT:** he’s so fucking good at catching vermin holy shit it’s his superpower.

 **S4:** I caught a pigeon the other day

 **S2:** NO

 **S3:** bitsy no

 **S4:** my mom told me to put it back.

 **S3:** oh thank god

 **SM Auntie:** hello!

 **S3:** oh hi!

 **S2:** welcome back!

 **SM:** Questions about tats

 **SM Auntie:** what about them?

 **S2:** do you approve of Spidey’s tats?

 **S3:** ^

 **SM Auntie:** oh I think they’re beautiful

 **SM:** ❤❤❤

 **S3:** why don’t you two fight?

 **SM:** we do, just not over shit that doesn’t matter.

 **SM Auntie:** Teenagehood has passed and that is a blessing for all of us.

 **S2:** do you have tats, auntie?

 **SM Auntie:** a few!

 **SM:** she came with me to get my first one

 **S3:** aw

 **S2:** woah. When was that?

 **SM:** uuuuuh 18? 19?

 **SM Auntie:** I think 19.

 **SM:** And I’ve been collecting them ever since. I took Wade with me once and he made himself sick thinking about pig skin

 **S2:** what

 **Wade:** not right

 **Wade:** shit’s just not right

 **S2:** um?

 **SM:** Wade doesn’t eat pork

 **Wade:** it don’t sweat

 **Wade:** what the fuck

 **SM:** this is hilarious because wade has eaten bear

 **Wade:** bears sweat

 **S2:** I don’t understand

 **SM Auntie:** Wade don’t you like bratwurst?

 **Wade:** …yes

 **SM Auntie:** go google that ❤

 **S2:** oh wow

 **Wade:** you are a conniving and hateful woman

 **SM Auntie:** you always say that

 **Wade:** I have never not meant it

 **S3:** um? Hostility?

 **SM:** it’s fine, this is how they’ve always been

 **Wade:** how many years have I been living this sausage lie?

 **SM:** at least 15?

 **Wade:** no I stopped with the pig around like 20

 **SM:** so 25

 **Wade:** Red get your husband back here I need legal counsel

 **DD:** for what

 **Wade:** discrimination

 **DD:** again: for what?

 **DD’s Husband:** legal counsel present

 **Wade:** counsel tell this young man that spreading lies of false age is slander

 **DD’s Husband:** wade 45 isn’t that old

 **Wade:** spoken like a true 41 yo

 **DD’s Husband:** 42.

 **SM:** 👀

 **S2:** !!

 **S3:** you’re older than DD?

 **DD:** yes

 **DD’s Husband:** yes? I was born in Feb?

 **SM:** How did I never connect that

 **DD:** ancient and wise one

 **DD’s Husband:** Says chronic knee pain

 **DD:** says chronic cancer pain

 **DD’s Husband:** you talkin’ to me or wade?

 **Wade:** W O W

 **Wade:** me. Obvs.

 **DD:** You are a clever and worthy adversary.

 **DD’s Husband:** I know

 **SM:** we should swap DD out for you.

 **DD:** What?

 **DD’s Husband:** that would be bad

 **BT:** I think you mean ‘amazing’ and ‘perfect.’

 **DD:** No. Absolutely not. Too dangerous.

 **S3:** …

 **S2:** …

 **D2:** …hm.

 **DD’s Husband:** oh really

 **Wade:** red this is a trap

 **SM:** ^

 **DD’s Husband:** if it is too dangerous for me

 **DD’s Husband:** have you ever considered that it might be too dangerous for you?

 **Wade:** Red pal cut them losses now while you’re ahead

 **SM:** ^^^

 **DD:** no

 **DD:** it’s different

 **Wade:** you fool. You absolute fool.

 **SM:** smh

 **DD’s Husband:** explain. Immediately.

 **DD:** Me? Unstable. Deathwish. You? Stable. Self-preservation instincts.

 **DD’s Husband:** that could change

 **DD:** what does that mean

 **DD’s Husband:** It means that that could change

 **DD:** I don’t understand

 **S2:** Red just walks right into all his problems doesn’t he?

 **SM:** p much

 **DD’s Husband:** Think, darling. I have witnessed you use braincells before.

 **DD:** I can’t when you’re calling me darling. what did I do?

 **Wade:** this is painful to witness

 **DD:** why? What is painful about this?

 **BT:** Teach, **[redacted]** is saying that he’s willing to go out and do something stupid to prove you wrong.

 **DD:** WHAT

 **DD:** No

 **DD:** Not allowed

 **DD’s Husband:** double standard

 **DD:** you’re damn right there is

 **BT:** ANYWAYS. Let’s talk about Wade’s kid

 **Wade:** oh yes. what about her?

 **S2:** is she well?

 **S3:** is she happy?

 **SM:** has she finally stopped trying to climb in the dryer?

 **Wade:** negative all around.

 **S4:** I WANT TO MEET

 **S3:** Bitsy you just want a team of your own

 **S4:** yes! I’m going to recruit all y’all’s kids and we’re gonna make a mini Spidey team. Just you wait.

 **Wade:** oh she’d destroy that in a heartbeat

 **SM:** did you tell her Bella is going to have babies?

 **Wade:** I told her that Bella is going to live with her grandmother in Tennessee for 9 months.

 **SM Auntie:** Cats are only pregnant for around 2 months Wade

 **SM:** Summer babies ❤

 **Wade:** I fear for my life if she gets her hands on anything her-hand-sized.

 **S2:** I’m sure she’d be gentle

 **Wade:** she told me she’s growing wolverine claws and when she’s done I’m finished.

 **S2:** nvm maybe not

 **SM:** what’s her deal with wolverine?

 **Wade:** idk I finally introduced them and she told me he was a bad cosplayer

 **SM:** AAFKS:JFDKFSSS

 **Wade:** he was not impressed

 **Wade:** and then he yelled at me for like an hour over smth I don’t remember I wasn’t paying attention

 **BT Sis:** woah. You can just meet??? Other superpeople??

 **BT:** no

 **BT Sis:** introduce me to Captain America

 **BT:** I don’t know him or his mutt

 **BT Sis:** mutt?

 **SM:** Sergeant Barnes.

 **BT Sis:** Oh

 **Wade:** where is that fucker

 **SM:** he’s not invited to the server wade, chill.

 **Wade:** I don’t trust that for a second

 **SM Auntie:** Sergeant Barnes? He’s very nice. Came around the other week asking for your old phone, SM.

 **SM:** he…did what?

 **S2:** **👀👀👀👀**

 **S3:** oh lord

 **S4:** he did ask me about your phone too now that I think about it

 **SM:** and you didn’t tell me???

 **S4:** no? He said it didn’t matter after all.

 **S2:** 👀👀👀

 **SM:** excuse me I have an email to draft

 **SM Auntie:** I’m going to make dinner! It was great talking to all of you! Hope you stay safe!

 **S2:** thanks auntie!

 **S3:** thank you! You too! Major thanks to you as a frontline worker!!

 **S2:** yea hella thanks

 **S4:** major major thank you!!!

 **Wade:** ^

 **SM Auntie:** aw, thank you. That’s very sweet. Keep those thanks for the folks still out in the field, though, I haven’t been cleared to go back yet ❤

 **BT Sis:** is this it? Are we done? Can I go back to torturing my brother in peace?

 **BT:** yes

 **BT Sis:** are you just saying that or do you mean it?

 **DD’s Husband:** I am done here

 **S2:** ominous

 **BT:** Boss is making sad noises at the dogs in the other room.

 **DD’s Husband:** as he will be for the next 24 hrs.

 **DD’s Husband:** nice chatting to you all.

 **S2:** bye husband we love you please stay safe and make DD take chemical baths so you stay that way!

 **S3:** bye!

 **DD’s Husband:** that’s very kind, we’re already taking plenty of precautions, but thanks. Feel better, y’all.

 **S4:** bye!

 **BT Sis:** and then there was one.

 **BT:** New stream started. You have snacks?

 **BT Sis:** peace motherfuckers

 **S2:** wow that was easy.

 **S3:** I miss my sister now

 **S2:** yeah same.

 **S4:** I want a sibling.

 **S2:** I’m gonna call them. Bye y’all!

 **S4:** I WANT A SIBLING

 **S3:** sorry bitsy. You’ve got us?

 **S4:** it’s not the same ☹

 **Wade:** it’s all you need rn kiddo. Go harass your dad.

 **S4:** okay I can do that.

 **JB:** hello

 **Wade:** WAJFW:EFJW

 **Wade:** I’m

 **Wade:** I’m

 **Wade:** I’m gonna have to kill you

 **JB:** 😊 I’d like to see you try funny man

 **Wade:** SPIDEY GET BACK HERE THERES BEEN AN INTRUDER

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JB needs a fucking hobby yo. He's getting a bit of a fixation born from cabin fever.
> 
> (Matt dmed Peter there in the middle of this, btw. That's why their messages are set off. This wouldn't appear in the transcript to the public)


	10. take me out (to the ballgame)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **DD:** it’s this ball. And everyone wants the ball. And it shows up every couple of years. And you have to fight for the ball.  
>  **SM:** tooth and nail.  
>  **DP (´｡✪ω✪｡´):** literally life or limb.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Please note: If you have not read 'on your marks' from the Dumpster Fires Verse, please read that first and then come back to this one because otherwise you will be exquisitely confused for the 2nd half of this chapter.**
> 
> Link here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16620764

**DD:** hello

 **S2:** oh this is unusual. You okay, DD?

 **S3:** hey red. Unlike you to start a convo. Are you okay?

 **S4:** is it because of the star wars? I’ll stop sending them to you if they keep you up at night

 **DD:** it is not the star wars

 **S3:** bitsy are you suggesting that Red is scared of The Last Jedi clips?

 **S4:** yes

 **S2:** bruh

 **S3:** Bitsy only you are scared of the last jedi

 **S4:** I’m not scared of anyone

 **S2:** He’s scared of Kylo

 **S3:** 100%

 **S4:** I’m not scared of anyone!!

 **DD:** children I require support

 **S3:** oh shit, are you dying? Where’s BT?

 **DD:** I don’t know

 **S2:** you…don’t…know? Y’all live together.

 **DD:** Is not making sound, must be dead

 **SM:** not dead

 **S3:** eyyy

 **S2:** Spidey!

 **DD:** dead

 **SM:** not dead. Was sending me a billion ‘oh my god’ texts last night about that K-drama he and his sis are watching. Probably just got overcome with emotion and passed out.

 **DD:** dead

 **SM:** not dead.

 **DD:** this house is quiet.

 **S2:** oh I get it

 **S2:** DD are you feeling a little under-stimulated?

 **DD:** yes

 **S3:** that was easy

 **S3:** go bother your husband

 **DD:** cannot. He speaks to his family.

 **S2:** okay, so go talk to your family

 **DD:** I will eat rocks instead

 **SM:** Husband’s family is your family, Red.

 **DD:** hm

 **S2:** trouble in paradise?

 **S2:** wars with your mother in law?

 **S2:** tragic, irreconcilable differences with your sister in law?

 **S3:** fear of father figures?

 **DD:** negative

 **S2:** that’s no fun

 **SM:** fear of suffocation in affection and otherwise positive emotion?

 **DD:** that one

 **SM:** yeah that tracks

 **SM:** here I’ll text BT until he wakes up

 **DD:** thanks

**BT:** 99 bottles of beer on the wall

 **BT:** 99 bottles of beer

 **BT:** take one down

 **BT:** pass it around

 **S4:** I can’t drink

 **BT:** 👁 w 👁

 **S4:** sorry go on

 **BT:** 98 bottles of beer on the wall

 **S2:** aw

 **S3:** friends ❤

 **S4:** this man wants to kill me. how do none of you recognize this?

 **BT:** 98 bottles of beer on the wall

 **BT:** 98 bottles of beer

 **SM:** he’s just singing bitsy

 **BT:** STOP interrupting. Please

 **SM:** my b

 **BT:** thank

 **BT:** Take one down

 **BT:** Pass it around

 **BT:** 97 bottles of beer on the wall

 **SM:** 97 bottles of beer on the wall

 **S2:** oh god they’re mind melding

 **S3:** 97 bottles of beer!

 **S4:** they got S3

 **BT:** Take one down

 **SM:** Pass it around

 **S3:** 96 bottles of beer on the wall.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : y’all bored or smth?

 **BT:** Sensei has locked my door

 **SM:** wait what

 **BT:** I’m supposed to break out

 **S2:** is this a training exercise

 **SM:** oh I remember this

 **S4:** you **what**

 **BT:** I don’t want to break my own door down

 **S2:** okay so don’t?

 **BT:** I didn’t

 **S2:** …BT where are you?

 **BT:** roof

 **S3:** …singing?

 **BT:** blocked the upstairs window.

 **BT:** that’ll show the bastard.

 **SM:** AFKSDFASDFA

 **S2:** wait you locked Red in?

 **BT:** functionally.

 **BT:** Husband has instituted a no-broken-glass rule. Sucker.

 **S4:** do you two actually, seriously like each other? All you do is fight.

 **BT:** 👁w👁

 **BT:** Do you like Spidey? All you do is fight.

 **S4:** why do you hate me

 **S2:** isn’t this a thing with all Superpeople mentors? Idk if I’ve met any mentor-mentee team that didn’t hate each other.

 **SM:** we are simple and predictable creatures, us vigilantes

 **SM:** we see a baby. We take it under our wing and despise it.

 **S4:** That makes BT a baby.

 **BT:** am not baby.

 **SM:** no it’s fine ‘cause red hates children.

 **BT:** does he?

 **SM:** …yes?

 **S2:** 👀👀👀

 **BT:** I’ve never seen him hate children.

 **S4:** hi. Present.

 **S2:** whatre you talking about, bitsy? Red loves you.

 **BT:** …

 **S2:** not as much as BT obvs

 **BT:** UwU

 **S4:** WHY

**DD:** Wade

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : yes dear

 **DD:** I am bored

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : harass the apprentice

 **DD:** I have done that.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : are you sure? Saw him talking on here earlier

 **DD:** fixed

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : cool

 **DD:** Have gardened. Have ground spices. Have silenced the apprentice. Have walked the dogs. Have worked out.

 **DD:** What. To. Do.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : work?

 **DD:** finished.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : holy shit

 **DD:** I know. Have asked Life Partner No. 2 to share casework and files. She says I must wait.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Sometimes I forget that you’re like, a hypercompetent human being, Red

 **DD:** Restless

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : idk uhhhhhhhh

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : okay. Tell me a secret

 **DD:** you. Tell you a secret.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : yes

 **DD:** no

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Boo on you

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : fine. Tell me who you’d like to fight. Anyone in the world. Anyone anyone anyone. Just get one good punch to the face. Who would it be?

 **DD:** I hate this question

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : tough, huh?

 **DD:** give me 3

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : you get 1

 **DD:** I want 3

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I don’t fucking care you get 1

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : you got em?

 **DD:** oh I get it. Yes.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : is it Stark?

 **DD:** no

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : is it….Castle?

 **DD:** no

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Is it fox news?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : am I getting warmer?

 **DD:** no and no

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Is it…your old gym grandpa?

 **DD:** god no. absolutely not. I love him wade

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : why don’t you love me

 **DD:** do you want me to answer that?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : no. Is it an animal plant or mineral?

 **DD:** it’s a concept

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : goddamnit red

 **DD:** you told me I could pick ONE person

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : oh

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : God

 **DD:** yes

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : you’d punch god

 **DD:** yes

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : P sure that’s blasphemy pal

 **DD:** I’ve been through hell already

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : fair

 **DD:** your turn

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : oh shit okay. I got him. Shoot

 **DD:** JB

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : got it in fucking ONE LADIES AND GENTS

 **JB:** why

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : oooooooooooooooooooooh you bastard

 **DD:** hey

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : soon as I figure out how to squash your armored cockroach body I’m on it like white on fuckin rice. you hear me, pretty boy?

 **JB:** *hair toss*

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : show off

 **DD:** hey

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I can get hair.

 **DD:** hello? Sarge.

 **JB:** yeah babe?

 **DD:** if you could deck one person in the whole world, who would it be?

 **JB:** with flesh or metal arm?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I mean. Those options are damage or obliterate. So idk. Metal?

 **JB:** Armin Zola.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : you’re boring as hell Barnes

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : you wouldn’t have your precious Stephen if it wasn’t for that shithead.

 **JB:** First: Steve. Only his mama called him Stephen and only I get to call him Steven. And second: you’re not wrong, but that don’t make you right.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I think it does

 **DD:** no I get that. I’d break every bone in my teacher’s body and then die about it instantly if I could. I got no problem with that.

 **JB:** I like you, Red.

 **DD:** do you?

 **JB:** I do. Got a nice ass.

 **DD:** thank you.

 **JB:** you busy this weekend?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Barnes, hands off.

 **JB:** what, you his keeper or smth?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : He is my baby brother

 **DD:** what the actual fuck disgusting take it away delete it forever

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Baby baby brother. Must protect from the big bad wolf

 **JB:** hm

 **DD:** ignore him. I would be, but I’m afraid I can’t catch a flight in these times, Sergeant.

 **JB:** too bad.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : WOLF BOY. Where did all that hair come from?

 **DD:** wade stop being insensitive. I am attempting to arrange a future date.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : you just want to smell Cap.

 **DD:** and?

 **JB:** smells like pain.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : ?

 **DD:** beg your pardon?

 **JB:** ya sniff and then he remembers he’s a damsel and breaks your neck gettin you outta his bubble

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : do you…feel sniffing impulses, Barnes??

 **JB:** sometimes. Got impulse control problems.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : wow same

 **DD:** that’s? A? Lie?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : **wow same**

 **DD:** you don’t though?

 **JB:** he doesn’t?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : fuck off redthew I have schizophrenia

 **DD:** I know but you don’t have impulse problems. You choose to be like you are

 **JB:** this is new and important information. Please continue Red

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : yeah baby brother. Please continue.

 **DD:** horrible. Stop

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : defenseless. So little. So precious. Them soft cheeks.

 **DD:** say that to my face

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : widdle hands. Widdle knuckles. Gonna need bandaids. Don’t worry, I’ll kiss em better for you.

 **DD:** I’ll break your fucking jaw if you so much as look at me you heathen

 **JB:** hm

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : what

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : are you bored yet?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : fuck off

 **JB:** Red

 **DD:** yes?

 **JB:** about that apprentice of yours.

 **DD:** what about him?

 **JB:** what’s his deal?

 **DD:** his deal is that he is small, ungrateful, and occasionally helpful.

 **JB:** Why do they call him Blindspot?

 **DD:** wouldn’t you like to know

 **JB:** I would. I will make a deal with you

 **DD:** oh a deal with the devil I see. Is that wise, Sergeant?

 **JB:** could be. I like a mouthy kid. They got potential. Look at Spidey. Look at Steve. You can really do something with that kind of confidence.

 **DD:** yes.

 **DD:** like crush it.

 **JB:** or perhaps trade it. What’s your going price?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : we don’t trade in bodies Barnes

 **DD:** we trade in trust

 **JB:** I got loads of trust. I’m drowning in trust. What’s your price?

 **DD:** no price.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : you came to the party too late, pal.

 **JB:** unfortunate.

 **DD:** Cap doesn’t want an apprentice.

 **JB:** That’s fine. That’s him. He ain’t the only guy in this brownstone.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : planning on dyin?

 **JB:** maybe. Maybe not.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : retiring?

 **JB:** that ain’t on my cards friend. What’s your price, DD? Name any price. For real. Any.

 **DD:** Self determination.

 **DD:** you can offer the kid, but he gets to decide.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : take it or leave it

 **JB:** alright. Get your kid.

 **DD:** BT, come here.

 **BT:** I’m not done brooding

 **DD:** Sergeant Barnes has a deal for you.

 **BT:** ?

 **JB:** you have potential. And I’ve got time. I trained the Black Widow. I can train you to be something bigger than whatever it is DD has you headed for.

 **BT:** bigger? What does that mean?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : he’s taught the Black Widow how to be the Black Widow, bub. He’s offering you an apprenticeship that’ll put you on that level.

 **BT:** Um? That’s very kind of you (I think)? But I’ve already got a teacher, so?

 **JB:** Daredevil is fallible and controlled by emotion.

 **DD:** *repression.

 **JB:** His strategies rely on close combat. I can provide these lessons and more.

 **DD:** Rely on close combat

 **DD:** I’ll show you relying on close combat

 **DD:** someone get me a bow

 **JB:** alternate option: you refuse and we remain standing on unequal towers.

 **BT:** …Does that mean you’ll kill me?

 **JB:** All options remain on the table. Your current teacher asks only for self-determination. So you get to decide.

 **BT:** um.

 **BT:** no offense, but like. The fact that my teach left it to be my decision and you’re wielding…oh you know, **death** against me makes me kinda lean his way.

 **JB:** unfortunate.

 **BT:** sorry?

 **DD:** well I think that settles that. touch him and I’ll take that mop of yours right out from the root, Sergeant Barnes.

 **JB:** this will be a standing offer in case you come to your senses with a little more experience, BT.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : good luck asshole 😊

**S2:** Woah. I just looked at the chat.

 **S2:** Wade and DD, you guys were almost cool back there

 **DD:** I am always cool

 **BT:** why does everyone want to kill me?

 **DD:** they don’t. They want to steal you.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : your teacher is a cockroach who’s pissed off or fucked half of New York.

 **DD:** always leave them wanting more, friends.

 **SM:** Wade why the fuck are you and Sarge always fighting? You guys are on the same side 80% of the time.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : because he’s a dick

 **DD:** because Wade doesn’t like the thought of being outdone by someone on the light side

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I’m winning Vigilante Prom Queen, Webs. And that fucker ain’t gonna take it from me if I have to kill him.

 **SM:** that’s not a thing

 **S4:** That’s weird. I asked Cap and he said that you’re mad that Sarge got the Ball from you last time it rolled through town.

 **S2:** the what

 **DD:** he WHAT

 **DD:** WADE

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : ffs he didn’t get it from me. I dropped it and that fucker snapped it up 

**DD:** THAT’S WORSE

 **SM:** WHAT THE FUCK WADE

 **S2:** what is happening

 **S3:** wait why are we all mad at wade now?

 **S4:** ???

 **DD:** I can’t believe you. I can’t fucking believe you.

 **SM:** oh my god. This is the worst day of my life.

 **BT:** teach? What is happening?

 **DD:** This idiot. This fool. Lost. The goddamn ball.

 **SM:** get off the team wade.

 **BT:** what is the ball?

 **DD:** I

 **SM:** the ball. It’s the ball.

 **S2:** spidey that’s not helping.

 **SM:** no, I’m not being a shithead. It’s? That’s what it’s called. That’s what it is. It’s the ball.

 **S4:** Cap said it’s a big deal for vigilantes? Some kind of tennis ball.

 **DD:** THE tennis ball.

 **SM:** fuck man. I’m so. Im just so.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : listen, I already blew off an arm for that shit, okay? I have repented. It ain’t gonna happen again

 **DD:** you’re damn right it wont because the price is going to be a leg next time

 **S3:** I’m so confused.

 **S2:** googling has brought me nothing.

 **S4:** Guys. Please explain. With words.

 **SM:** how do you explain the ball?

 **DD:** um

 **DD:** okay

 **DD:** so it’s this ball.

 **S2:** red you went to an ivy league college. You have GOT to do better than that

 **DD:** Im trying here

 **DD:** it’s this ball. And everyone wants the ball. And it shows up every couple of years. And you have to fight for the ball.

 **SM:** tooth and nail.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : literally life or limb.

 **S4:** why?

 **SM:** …why?

 **SM:** because you need it?

 **DD:** whoever gets the ball is the best in the city. The longer you got it, the better you are.

 **S2:** okay so lets say you get the ball

**SM: I will get the ball**

**S2:** okay so let’s pretend Spiderman didn’t just turn into Retriever-Man.

 **S2:** and now let’s say that you get the ball. What do you do with it?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : guard

 **DD:** protect

 **SM:** DON’T let anyone know you have it.

 **S3:** so the object is to get and then keep the ball.

 **SM:** yes

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : yes

 **DD:** yes

 **S3:** and then what

 **SM:** I don’t understand.

 **S3:** what don’t you understand? What happens after you get and keep the ball?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : wtf. You don’t keep the ball.

 **S2:** okay so who do you give it to?

 **DD:** you don’t give it to anyone

 **S4:** guys I’m so confused.

 **BT:** same.

 **SM:** no. it’s like this. You get the ball. You keep the ball for as long as humanly possible. Until someone takes it from you.

 **S2:** and then?

 **SM:** there is no ‘and then.’ That’s it. those are the steps.

 **S2:** I’m

 **S3:** I’m so fucking confused.

 **S4:** so who ends up with the ball??

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : GOD if we only knew

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I’d end them in an instant

 **DD:** it always goes away

 **BT:** wh

**BT: what?**

**DD:** it always goes away.

 **SM:** yeah it always disappears. Someone will have it and then someone will drop it and it’ll fall into a drain or something and that CHUMP will have ruined everything.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : (spoken like a true CHUMP, Spiderkid)

 **SM:** SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

 **SM:** you disgraced this team and didn’t even have the balls to admit it, Wade Wilson. I won’t take criticism from you.

 **DD:** Hawkeye tells me that it shows up on this coast occasionally.

 **SM:** !!

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Red.

 **DD:** I will not lose.

 **BT:** Um??

 **BT:** Can I just say that I’ve never played tennis?

 **DD:** it’s not about tennis. It’s about skill, speed, and intellect.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : and height

 **SM:** SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : it’s def about height

 **S2:** aw spidey

 **SM:** I’m gonna wear heels this year and y’all are gonna be finished

 **S4:** can we join?

 **DD:** …

 **SM:** um

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : if you really really want to?

 **S4:** Nice

 **S4:** I’m gonna steal the ball out of cuteness. No one can resist me.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : lol

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : that was Webs’s technique the first year

 **SM:** Bitsy take it from me. It does not work. The Widow will let you hold the ball and will then take you out at the knees.

 **S4:** I will avoid the Widow

 **S2:** How are we gonna play with the Rona, though?

 **SM:** um

 **SM:** so

 **SM:** Idk if you’ve noticed but like.

 **SM:** p much everyone wears masks?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : or they will wear masks. Nothing has changed but the number of pedestrians.

 **DD:** Have inquired with Hawkeye 2.

 **DD:** She states that the ball usually shows up in LA or San Diego.

 **BT:** we don’t know LA or San Diego

 **DD:** hm yes.

 **BT:** does that mean that we’re fucked, boss?

 **DD:** no this means that we must study.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : oh shit everyone look out. Red’s breaking out the Nerd Glasses.

 **DD:** these are my regular glasses.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : pft

 **SM:** You’re just mad Red can make glasses look cool and you can’t

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : pft

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : red.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : cool

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : hilarious

 **DD:** when I get the ball I am using it to take out yours

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : oh so kinky pal. Didn’t realize you were into ball torture

 **DD:** only yours

 **SM:** Stop denigrating the ball. It is a nonsexual object and I’m going to get it and eat it and no one will ever take it from me ever again.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Forever bitter about getting taken out by Moonie.

 **DD:** never over it. It’s okay, Spiderkid. We mourned with you for that one.

 **S2:** spidey?

 **SM:** **never speak of it.**

 **S2:** okay sure

 **S4:** Who plays?

 **SM:** everyone.

 **S3:** who is everyone?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : did the boy stutter?

 **DD:** Mostly vigilantes. Sometimes some of the big shots. Barnes plays every year, the bastard

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : it’s like tackling a brick wall. God. So many dislocations.

 **DD:** Jess plays too

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : another brick wall. Gal is sober only for the ball I swear to god.

 **DD:** Luke

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Red have you ever noticed that all your other teams are just brick shithouses. And then there’s…you?

 **DD:** Danny makes me feel better

 **SM:** AHAHA

 **SM:** I’m gonna beat the shit out of Danny.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : still forever mad about Rand’s baseball arm.

 **SM:** I have **superstrength**.

 **DD:** Danny has an iron fist, kid. Of course he’s gonna catch shit headed towards it. His empty head has its own gravity.

 **S2:** oh my god I thought you two were friends

 **DD:** we are

 **BT:** this isn’t friend-talk teach

 **DD:** I tell him his head is huge and empty every Christmas.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : and then you try to beat it in

 **DD:** like a fuckin balloon

 **SM:** Listen. Guys. We need to strategize.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : no. Everyone for themselves. No one disgrace the team.

 **SM:** yeah but what if Wolverine shows up again

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Then I will finally FINALLY attain sweet death in pursuit of happiness

 **DD:** If Logan shows up he gets the ball. No questions.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : not if I have anything to say about it

 **DD:** revised: if Logan shows up, it becomes his and Wade’s ballgame.

 **S2:** I’m so scared to play

 **S3:** same. Maybe I’ll sit this one out and just watch

 **S4:** I asked Cap for footage and he sent this.

**S4: [video]**

**S2:** Holy shit Spidey you were so little

 **S3:** makes Wade look huge

 **SM:** I will not be fooled again

 **DD:** is this the year where Hawkeye started throwing frisbees into the mix and taking people out and confusing the rest of us?

 **S3:** say what

 **SM:** that’s the one

 **DD:** bastard

 **SM:** that’s your friend, man

 **DD:** yeah and what an asshole

 **S2:** oh my GOD spidey you and Hawkeye II were so little. how did you guys not get crushed???

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Protective measures.

 **SM:** People kept throwing us out of the way of like, big falling structures. Or you know, Castle taking everyone on the dock out with a motorcycle.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : we are mindful of the little ones.

 **DD:** some of us

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : not Moonie.

 **DD:** not moonie.

 **SM:** what a dick

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : If you’re under 5’5” folks have got an eye out for you.

 **S2:** nice. Count me in then.

 **S3:** okay but what about if you’re around 6’2” with only about a year and half of vigilante experience and a fairly loose dedication to competition?

 **DD:** get out

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : don’t play

 **SM:** probably not a good space for you, S3.

 **BT:** I’m not gonna lie.

 **BT:** this is giving me a little anxiety

 **DD:** we can fix that. Will practice.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : don’t worry kiddo, you’ll probably be down south. The West Coast ain’t shit when it comes to the Ball.

 **SM:** which is why, Red, if you lose we’ll never forgive you.

 **DD:** I ain’t losing.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : that’s the spirit

 **BT:** I don’t want to fight Ms America

 **DD:** I’ll fight her then. You deal with Hawkeye.

 **BT:** …friend?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : no friends in love and war.

 **SM:** I will send some hatred your way for you to channel.

 **S4:** Is this strategizing?

 **SM:** yes

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : yes

 **DD:** yes

 **S4:** okay, so uh. What’s our strategy then? Just to recap?

 **SM:** Don’t lose.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Don’t lose.

 **DD:** Win or suffer the consequences.

 **S4:** okay cool. Just checking.

 **S4:** (help)

 **S3:** (oh my god help us)

 **BT:** (I’m gonna cry I can’t do this I can’t even finish a puzzle)

 **S2:** (don’t worry wimps. I got this.)

 **S3:** (thank you LS for carrying our dead weight)

 **BT:** (^)

 **S4:** (^)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just...Inimitable Vigilante Games...please, Lord. I need them.


	11. and we had fun, fun, fun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **CA:** Abraham Erskine, you bastard, how could you do this to me you didn’t even let me have a drink on my last day of humanity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen  
> I just love Steve and Bucky okay. And I did a hard fucking thing today. So here they are.
> 
> Some iffy medical/ethical suggestions below. Please take caution (they don't go through with it. This is a comedy story, friends)

**SM:** yo did y’all hear what happened to Cap?

 **S2:** Christ. Yeah

 **S3:** they can’t do that.

 **S4:** I asked him if he’s okay

 **SM:** thank you for doing that but he’s just gonna lie to you. It’s his thing, believe it or not.

 **S4:** oh I know. That’s why I take whatever answer he gives me and then flip it upside down.

 **S2:** man

 **BT:** Husband says that this is 100% illegal.

 **SM:** yeah fucking talk about it. It’s against pretty much every ethic in the whole code of em in science things. I can only imagine the social science part of it.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : yo did y’all hear

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : oh

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : so it seems you have

 **SM:** this is really frustrating. If people can ask Cap to be their test subject, then they’re gonna need more folks to be a control group and we all know how that turns out

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : they’ve already emailed meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

 **S2:** wait spidey I don’t understand. Explain pls

 **S3:** has this happened before??

 **SM:** basically any time some chemical/bio weapon gets out, the gov tries to argue that trying out vaccines and treatments on enhanced folks is the safest way to protect the public

 **SM:** you know

 **SM:** because we enhanced folks are just mutants and we’ll just heal anyways

 **S2:** but I’ve had Rona. And you’ve had Rona. And it took you out for days?

 **SM:** 😊 we 😊 just 😊 heal 😊 anyways 😊 remember? 😊

 **SM:** don’t worry we’re mutated we don’t feel pain 😊

 **SM:** as long as it’s for the public good, we can violate the human rights 😊

 **SM:** we’re not **people** after all 😊😊😊😊😊😊

 **DD:** Has anyone checked on Cap and Barnes

 **S4:** yes

 **DD:** tell them they have rights not to participate in this study. Must be consensual.

 **S4:** JB is okay there—something about being disqualified due to his medical conditions? but the army is arguing Cap’s body is govt property

 **DD:** hm

 **SM:** bullshit

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : He has the option of going out and just getting the Rona I guess?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : not that it’s helped me. My phone’s ringing off the hook. Now they want my plasma or smth

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I’m THIS close to referring them to my psych doc

 **DD:** do that

 **DD:** you may not qualify for the study standards based on past experience.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : you mean from the time I put my head through a windshield?

 **DD:** …

 **DD:** yes wade. Like that time.

 **SM:** that’s fucking dumb tho. Like, if they ask me, I can’t send them to my therapist without outing myself

 **DD:** the good thing is that they don’t have your name to start with, spiderkid.

 **SM:** No, but it could just be a matter of time. God knows who SHIELD’s allegiance is to.

 **S2:** this is scary

 **S3:** people won’t go forward with this. They’re just scared and restless. We’ve been inside for weeks now. And it doesn’t actually make sense to do any treatments on Cap. Chances are, from the way our state is, he’s probably already had the Rona and just didn’t know about it because of his healing factor.

 **S2:** yeah, but then Falco-Cap would have gotten it, wouldn’t he?

 **S3:** Maybe. no telling if he would have gotten it from Cap or anyone else, though. No even telling if he’s gotten it. We’re all kinda in a void of no and mis-information.

 **S4:** Still, the gov doesn’t own Cap. He’s a person. He shouldn’t be bullied into giving his body to science. He’s already done it once.

 **SM:** true that

 **S3:** yeah

 **S2:** if they try to contact any of us they’re gonna be disappointed as hell.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : what do you mean ‘if?’

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Jenn Lowel, PhD, if you’re reading this, my doc just sent me an email back with ‘LOL’ in the subject line. She’s never laughed at a single one of my jokes, Lowel. This is how serious the situation is right now.

 **SM:** wade why did you pick a psychiatrist who doesn’t think you’re funny?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : she picked me, Webs

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : she told everyone else who tried to stop her not to worry, she could handle me.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I’d die for her right here. Hey, Brit? I’d die for you. right. Here. Love you, you stone cold goddess **❤**

 **S2:** you…like? That your psychiatrist has no emotion?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : fuckin love it.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : she’s one of my soulmates I think

 **SM:** but you hate your therapist

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : which one

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : oh Rose. Yeah no. Rose, I wouldn’t piss you out if you were on fire. Meet me in hell babe

 **SM:** I

 **DD:** same.

 **SM:** wh

 **SM:** you both? Told me? To get? Therapy????

 **DD:** did it help?

 **SM:** fucking YEAH IT HELPED

 **S2:** Spidey does calming techniques in the middle of throwdowns sometimes

 **SM:** I have so much trauma man

 **S2:** from what

 **SM:** uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh well should we start with the plane that nearly crashed on me when I was 15 or

 **S3:** WaIT I FORGOT

 **S3:** oh my god

 **SM:** And then the building that fell on me before that

 **SM:** the murder of a close relative before that. And after all that, the getting dragged into space thing, the time I nearly bled out in a gutter, the car accident, the six times someone’s tried to drown me, the time Wilson Fisk literally tried to break my skull in half, the time the Lizard trapped me in the sewer for two day—need I go on??

 **S2:** damn

 **S3:** Uh no. I think we get it

 **SM:** the only reason I am here at the moment is because of my therapist and like, so what if she wants my notes and brain for research after I die? She can have them. We’ve already had this discussion. She makes me functional for the now, and I make her career in like 20 years or however long it takes for me to get my ass killed.

 **S4:** …is this what therapy is like?

 **S3:** no

 **S2:** idk probably

 **S2:** equivalent exchange or something

 **S3:** no

 **D2:** oh I’ve had grief counseling.

 **S3:** oh thank god

 **D2:** yeah after my nana passed I couldn’t decide if I needed to keep on hating her and breaking my knuckles about it

 **S3:** …nevermind. DD. Help. Be reasonable.

 **DD:** therapy saved my life and marriage, kids, I don’t know what to tell you

 **S3:** oh thank god

 **DD:** doesn’t mean I wouldn’t choke my gal out if she finally turned her back in session, but you know. It’s been a couple years now. I think I’m warming up to her.

 **S3:** OH MY GOD

 **S3:** You’re all violent fuckheads!! These people are trying to help you!! They risk their lives trying to help you!! Have some respect!!

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : She intimidates me so I must kill her.

 **SM:** I have never respected anyone not related to me more

 **DD:** she is exceedingly wise and unerringly cunning. To attain such abilities is but a dream.

 **S2:** oh wow. Love declarations all around

 **S3:** I need a nap

 **BT:** lol what’s **therapy**???

 **S3:** I’m going to sleep.

**S4:** Cap you can say the words here

 **CA:** hng

 **JB:** cannot but nice thinking, hon

 **S4:** why not?

 **JB:** publicist watches

 **S4:** they can’t watch it’s a private chat

 **CA:** there will be consequences

 **S4:** ?

 **JB:** They will dye their hair even more turquoise and will ring the doorbell once every ten seconds for an hour.

 **S4:** I don’t understand.

 **JB:** Emotional abuse.

 **S4:** how?

 **CA:** thank you, bitsy but I cannot. I will die at the hand of our friendly, local sea-glass monster

 **S4:** sea? Glass?

 **JB:** hair dye color

 **S4:** why are you so afraid of someone with dyed hair? Haven’t you dyed your hair before??

 **JB:** Have you ever seen victory curls, bub?

 **S4:** no?

 **JB:** go look them up.

 **S4:** okay?

 **S4:** oh they’re fancy

 **CA:** deadly.

 **JB:** our publicist’s curls have never been less than perfect and that is a power that no one in this household is going to fuck with.

 **CA:** no speaking

 **JB:** none

 **S4:** yeah but the gov is trying to sell your body to a drug manufacturer. Surely that’s much scarier than a sea-glass person.

 **CA:** Hnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng

 **JB:** keep it in, doll, you can do it

 **S2:** heyo

 **S2:** oh hey cap

 **S2:** guess who didn’t die from the Rona?

 **S2:** this bitch

 **S2:** we’re pretty much on equal footing now, man. Except I’m still an essential worker after all this bullshit.

 **CA:** hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhng.

 **JB:** Stevie baby let’s go lift something intolerably heavy to take your mind off things

 **S2:** lol bro-chat-up lines.

 **S2:** adorable

 **S2:** anyways, I just got a note from my manager asking if I’ve been cleared to work yet. I’m p sure this is class warfare, y’all.

 **CA:** IT.

 **CA:** IS.

**JB: welp**

**CA:** TALK ABOUT. CLASS. WARFARE.

 **S4:** you should. It seems to be bothering you.

 **S2:** idk cap you are the rich, so I’m gonna have to start with you. Sorry, but off with your head?

 **CA:** take it

 **JB:** okay. We need distraction. Thank you, Bitsy-child, for your support in these trying times.

 **CA:** Take

 **CA:** it

 **S2:** You want me to hide it from the govt or?

 **CA:** I want to sell you the legal rights to this body

 **JB:** You know what? I think this is a Sam situation. My efforts aren’t working. Let me just

 **CA:** If I just become private property I’ll have more rights

 **SM:** oh hey cap

 **SM:** oh wait

 **SM:** No, you already are private property, man. You don’t need to sell yourself, you just need a lawyer

 **CA:** I HAVENT BEEN PRIVATE PROPERTY SINCE 1942

 **SM:** …

 **SM:** I’m sensing some built up tension here, pal. You want to get it out? This is a safe space. We will not judge you.

 **CA:** lies

 **CA:** its all lies

 **CA:** I should have died in the ocean.

 **JB:** this is Sam. Hi, thank you all. We are taking the existential crisis into the sun for a minute or so to regain worldly perspective. Once it’s done you can have it back.

 **CA:** I’ve been an ‘it’ for 3x as long as I’ve been a person

 **JB:** and we’re moving.

 **S2:** woof. Bye cap. Talk to you in a bit when you’re feeling better.

 **SM:** byeeee

 **S4:** ☹ I’m worried

 **S3:** um? Same?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : wait Steve come back if you’re an ‘it’ and I’m an ‘it’ then our children will be spared the ordeal of being human

 **S2:** your children will just be cats, wade

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : SHUT UP SHUT UP

 **SM:** mmmmm nice. It’s gonna be that kind of day then. Alright, well. I’m going to go bask on the fire escape I’ll talk to y’all in a bit.

 **S2:** cold blooded

 **SM:** and proud of it

**CA:** I’ve been told by the publicist to apologize and state that human and organ trafficking is inhumane and illegal and I do not in any way condone it, even in times of high stress and emotion.

 **S2:** holy shit

 **S3:** damn, your sea-glass lady is good.

 **CA:** *person.

 **S3:** oop. Sorry sorry. Sea-glass person.

 **CA:** I have decided instead that I am going to go back to my ancestral home, the atlantic ocean, and become a sea monster. This is my new goal in life.

 **JB:** wokay we don’t need to be texting people right now, babes.

 **CA:** if I’m a sea monster I can just eat the navy and no one can stop me

 **JB:** I mean

 **JB:** you’re not wrong

 **JB:** but you had a breakdown over the last loch we encountered and refused to get near the water, so I’m not 100% sure how this plan is gonna go for you.

 **CA:** I need you. To stop. Putting holes. In my goddamn dreams, James Buchanan Barnes. I’m not talking to you.

 **S2:** oh shit. Full-named.

**S3: a threat.**

**S4:** does this mean that you’re feeling better, Cap?

 **CA:** yes

 **JB:** no

 **CA:** what, do you make decisions for me now, too??? Do you own my emotions, James Buchanan??

 **JB:** exhibit A: testy. Paranoid.

 **JB:** in need of whiskey

 **CA:** HA

 **JB:** I know, champ. It’s gonna be okay

 **SM:** Idk Cap, it takes about a bottle but even I can get pretty wasted

 **CA:** Abraham Erskine, you bastard, how could you do this to me you didn’t even let me have a drink on my last day of humanity

 **JB:** I thought you loved him

 **CA:** I do and I will ruin every nazi on this planet in his name and honor but I DESERVED A LAST DRINK, ABE

 **JB:** you know who can fix this?

 **CA:** God

 **JB:** uh close

 **DD:** Def God

 **JB:** where did you come from? No. Not god.

 **DD:** Jesus

 **CA:** this guy understands me

 **JB:** uuuuh no and no. That’s still god.

 **DD:** oh I see. A saint.

 **JB:** what

 **CA:** a saint?

 **CA:** which saint?

 **JB:** not a saint steven. why would I suggest that a saint can fix this?

 **CA:** because I need a miracle?

 **JB:** …okay no you listen

 **JB:** there can only be one dramatic piece of shit in this household at a time

 **JB:** And I respect that the circumstances lean in your favor at the moment

 **JB:** but a saint ain’t helped us in war and a saint aint gonna help us in plague, yeah?

 **CA:** you don’t know that. How about Mary?

 **JB:** for fucks sake. Daredevil what have you done?

 **DD:** Michael or Lucy in my opinion

 **CA:** no no I need Patrick, Peter, or Mary

 **JB:** THOR you blockhead. THOR.

 **CA:** he aint a saint I watched him give bruce a lapdance last Christmas

 **DD:** on Jesus’s birthday? Unbelievable.

 **SM:** Red.

 **DD:** do as I say, not as I do.

 **JB:** can the fellow catholic over there please pipe down? I’m sayin, Steven, heart of mine, that Thor can, will, has, and is always prepared to get you fucking hammered on his alien vodka.

 **CA:** oh right

 **CA:** this is an excellent idea. if I’m not conscious I can’t suffer

 **JB:** nevermind you’re hopeless. I’m taking you back to the Alps and leaving you there

 **CA:** Maybe I should become a monk

 **DD:** I’m gunning for hermit monk. Big plans for a hovel.

 **CA:** There has never been a better idea.

 **JB:** Spidey, get your devil under control. I’m trying to do damage control here

 **SM:** idk man he just does that. I don’t got his leash or treats or nothing for him right now

 **JB:** Red, where is your man?

 **DD:** wouldn’t you like to know

 **JB:** yeah I would actually

 **DD:** on the phone

 **JB:** oh sure he is. Everyone is always on the phone. Sam’s on the phone. Your husband’s on the phone. The damn publicist is on the phone.

 **DD:** pardon. Just one second I need the apprentice for an emoji.

 **BT:** 🙃

 **DD:** thank you

 **JB:** …what does that mean?

 **BT:** 🙃🙂🙃🙂💕💋

 **JB:** I

 **JB:** WAIT

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Wolfboy finally got it

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : after all these years

 **JB:** I

 **JB:** excuse me

 **CA:** ?

 **CA:** Oh

 **CA:** OH

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : and the star spangled man brings it on home too

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : welcome to the Know, friends. How’s it feel?

 **CA:** DD.

 **DD:** yes?

 **CA:** there’s no fucking way

 **DD:** not sure what you’re talking about, fellow Catholic citizen.

 **CA:** I

 **DD:** yes?

 **CA:** okay you know what? You’ve got real problems.

 **DD:** yes. Diagnosed even.

 **CA:** I take it all back.

 **DD:** as you should.

 **CA:** I am grateful for what I do have. You’re very right.

 **DD:** anytime. I am here to serve

 **BT:** 😊 same

 **CA:** hm.

 **BT:** 😊

 **CA:** I think. I’m going to go talk to Thor.

 **BT:** 👋

 **DD:** bye

 **S2:** what just happened?

 **SM:** Cap and JB just finally realized who DD is after, oh, say, 15 years.

 **S2:** holy shit. Based on what?

 **DD:** evidence.

 **BT:** they’re fucked up, teach

 **DD:** our job is done here. Come young one. We now have gaslighting to do.

 **BT:** oh shit oh shit oh shit

 **BT:** here we go. New skills. Bye y’all hope you’re having a good day

**JB:** THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY. DAREDEVIL, GET BACK HERE

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : he’s gone, boo-boo. You’re never getting an answer out of him now and you know exactly why

 **JB:** Answers come at the edge of a knife or a gun, Wilson, you know this. Red is not immune.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : where is your blue-eyed, blond accomplice, huh?

 **JB:** …

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : l’il tipsy, hm?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : having a bit of a giggle, hm?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : aw, were you trying to get sleuthing done, Barnes? Did you lose your right-hand man, Barnes? Aw, poor baby.

 **JB:** listen, you

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : 👂

 **JB:** fuck off with that.

 **JB:** Listen, I don’t believe this shit for one second and it’s an absolute scandal what DD’s done to this poor fuckin’ guy.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : …sorry what?

 **JB:** stealin’ some guy’s identity like that? Fucked up. Just fucked up. I ain’t letting him get away with it.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : …Barnes. He’s not? Stealing? An identity?

 **JB:** yeah right

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : he’s literally not.

 **JB:** bullshit. I’m callin’ it now. Tell your pal that this is a new low and he ain’t getting away with it. That guy’s good people. He ain’t deserve this.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : O

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : K?

 **JB:** good.

**SM:** Wade

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I know

 **SM:** It’s right there in his face?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I literally don’t know how Red gets away with this time and time again.

 **DD:** I don’t know what you two are talking about. I’m just out here, doing my best, not showing my ass at every opportunity.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : for real: how the fuck do you do this, Red?

 **SM:** pls share?

 **DD:** oh its easy

 **DD:** I just

 **DD:** lie about everything that doesn’t matter

 **DD:** and tell only the truth about everything that does.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : hhhhhhhhh

 **SM:** …okay but consider

 **SM:** what if

 **SM:** we just

 **SM:** lied about EVERYTHING. All the time. Badly.

 **SM:** would that work?

 **DD:** what do you think, Spiderchild?

 **SM:** is that a no?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Webs I’m dyin’ hon. You’ve truly learned nothing. I’m so proud.

**CA:** aw Red you’re actually really cute

 **JB:** NO. I’ve told you this. these are lies.

 **CA:** no I found a picture

 **JB:** you’re pissed. Go back to the couch. No texting.

 **CA:** so cute ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

 **CA:** I’d sleep with you in a heartbeat

 **DD:** helLO

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : I cannot believe this

 **JB:** that’s not him, doll, I literally said this. I know you want it to be but it ain’t

 **DD:** could be. Tell me more, Captain.

 **JB:** you’re a bastard and on my list, shithead.

 **DD:** I’m not talking to you, Sergeant.

 **S2:** awwww Cap’s a friendly drunk that’s adorable

 **JB:** it is not

 **JB:** it is the bane of my fucking existence

 **SM:** lol cheers to that

 **JB:** how are you old enough to drink

 **SM:** I’m 26 Sarge

 **JB:** ASDAFSDFKJ:KJF

 **CA:** oh my god you were just a baby yesterday

 **CA:** I’m so proud of you **[redacted]**

 **SM:** aw thanks man

 **CA:** you never got taller

 **SM:** nevermind.

 **S2:** AHAHAHA

 **SM:** Sarge take him away he’s destroying the unity of this team

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : he does have a point, kiddo.

 **SM:** Cap would you fuck Wade?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : oh, I see. Very good diversion technique. I give it a 76%.

 **CA:** Uuuuuuh yeah. Probably

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : !

 **JB:** NO. No. He’s not fucking anyone. He’s very intoxicated because Thor has no respect for boundaries or my general wellbeing and Sam said that this is historically my problem.

 **CA:** Thor doesn’t think I’m a think

 **CA:** ting?

 **CA:** Tthaong

 **JB:** a thing

 **CA:** yes that one ❤

 **CA:** oh wow there are colors 💚💛🧡💜

 **CA:** Is there a blue one?

 **JB:** ADAS:KDFsdf Steven. Couchtime. Not phone time.

 **CA:** Blue? Please? Then couch?

 **JB:** oh for fuck’s sake

 **JB:** **💙**

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : you’re weak, Barnes.

 **JB:** shove it

 **CA:** I like it

 **CA:** oh wait!!!

 **CA:** ❤♡💙 it’s SAM

 **JB:** _sigh_

 **S2:** oh my god he’s so fucking cute I want a drunk Cap for my birthday party.

 **S3:** you know what the opposite of what you need is, LS? A drunk Cap for your birthday party.

 **S2:** shut up you, stop ruining my fun. I’m trying to talk to Captain America.

 **CA:** oh we’re talking!

 **CA:** sorry. what were we talking about?

 **S2:** Class struggle

 **CA:** PAPA MARX

 **JB:** God help me this is why we have a publicist

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : oh

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Cap, are you a communist?

 **JB:** He’s not an anything. He’s having another drink to get us to 5-drink Steve who is quiet and shy, which is good for my blood pressure.

 **SM:** lol 5-drink Spidey likes to dance

 **S2:** 5-drink Spidey can come to my birthday party.

 **S3:** LS, you’re not legally allowed to drink. Even on your birthday.

 **S2:** I JUST told you to stop ruining my life.

 **S4:** Is that how drinking works? Your personality changes on every drink?

 **DD:** yes

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : mmmmm

 **SM:** yes

 **S3:** no bitsy, people just get drunker and drunker. That makes them more and more stupid.

 **S4:** How many drinks in are the people who try to hit us with pipes?

 **SM:** lol like 8

 **DD:** around 7

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Some of them are sober, kiddo, sorry to tell.

 **S4:** that sucks

 **CA:** who’s hitting you with a pipe???

 **JB:** We don’t need that info right now.

 **CA:** yes we do???????????

 **JB:** doll no one is outside to take revenge on

 **CA:** where the fuck did everyone go???

 **JB:** _sigh_

 **S2:** **give him to me**

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : ^^^

 **DD:** Did you not hear, Cap? God sent the plague.

 **CA:** HEDIDWHAT

 **JB:** YOU MOTHERFUCKER

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Red you’re my soulmate

 **DD:** I know. It’s tragic.

 **JB:** Hi, this is Sam. Thank you guys for babysitting. I’m taking the T-bird away, though. He’s on the verge of tears.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : oooh. does this make you Daddy then, Wilson?

 **JB:** …

 **S2:** eh?

 **BT:** ?

 **BT:** Teach appears to be having a sudden and strong reaction to this for some reason? I suspect it is positive. Possible weeping.

 **SM:** I don’t get it

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Thank you Red for appreciating me when no one else does. I knew I kept you around for a reason

 **JB:** Have none of y’all heard the Beach Boys??

 **S2:** who’re they?

 **S3:** OH SHIT. I GET IT

 **S4:** beach…

 **JB:** This team is devastating, Wilson. I will keep my boys.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : do they know the Beach Boys?

 **JB:** One moment.

 **SM:** Oh, I’ve heard this song. Oh. OH. I get it!!!

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : still waiting, Wilson.

 **JB:** listen.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : HA

 **JB:** one of them was frozen and the other was fresh out of Soviet Russia when that song came out. They can’t be blamed. They just finally listened to Elvis last week, man.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : omg

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : how did that go?

 **JB:** I think they were confused. They wanted…trumpets? For some reason they wanted trumpets. They always want brass in music I swear to god.

 **S3:** oh. Mood.

 **JB:** ? who are you?

 **S3:** me?

 **S2:** or me?

 **S4:** or me?

 **JB:** …how the hell does JB keep up with this?

 **S4:** him and Cap mostly talk to me.

 **JB:** S4? Oh, Bitsy. Okay, I know you. Who are these other two?

 **S4:** You haven’t met?

 **S4:** Little Spidey, S3, this is Mr. Wilson!! He’s very nice and even though he’s from Harlem, he has Virginian habits.

 **JB:** wh

 **JB:** how can you know that

 **S4:** Sarge told me you grew up there for a while and you drawl when you’re tired

 **JB:** I

 **JB:** where the fuck did he go

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : lolololololol

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : it’s okay fellow Wilson, I am not from this blessed city either.

 **JB:** no, I **am** from this city, thank you very much. Harlem. I just moved down south for a while when I was a teenager. That’s all.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : 😊

 **JB:** is that meant to be threatening?

 **S4:** wade be nice. Mr. Wilson is friend, not food.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : ❤👋

 **JB:** You call this guy by his first name, Bitsy??

 **S4:** yeah! He’s my friend!

 **JB:** I’m having flashbacks.

 **SM:** ❤

 **SM:** do you know how much I love you, _Mr. Wilson_?

 **JB:** you terrify me.

 **JB:** you started off so sweet.

 **SM:** I punched JB within seconds of knowing him.

 **JB:** that was a mutual misunderstanding. I forgive you for that.

 **SM:** wh

 **SM:** what?

 **S2:** forgiveness is a foreign concept to Spidey

 **JB:** who are you?

 **S2:** Me? I’m little spidey. The pink one. We actually met at an event a while back. The one for kids?

 **JB:** oh shit. Sorry honey I didn’t mean to forget.

 **S2:** niceness? what is this?

 **SM:** Mr. Wilson, I’m sorry but you have to go. This is a vigilantes + Rogers-Cap only chat. We didn’t give you admittance.

 **JB:** sure thing. Thank you for minding the idiots for a time. Sorry Steve’s a bit of a sloppy drunk. If it is any consolation, he’s climbed into Thor’s lap now and is being consoled for his hardships.

 **SM:** no problem

 **SM:** actually. Could you just clarify: the govt isn’t really going to use Cap for experimental treatment trials are they?

 **JB:** No. They’re not. We talked to our lawyer about it to make sure. Sorry if that alarmed anyone; our publicist is working with the press to put out a corrective article soon.

 **SM:** gotcha

 **JB:** Wait, actually can I ask a question too? Why do they call you ‘Red,’ DD?

 **DD:** I’m told it’s the suit, Cap. But I don’t pick my names, they’re given to me.

 **JB:** hm

 **DD:** any other questions?

 **JB:** not for now. But expect to hear from me in future.

 **DD:** I won’t. But you’re welcome to call. You have my number.

 **JB:** I

 **JB:** I take it back, Spidey.

 **JB:** This guy terrifies me.

 **DD:** me? Why, Captain. I’m just an ordinary man, doing right by my community when and where I can.

 **JB:** I talked to Danny Rand. He seems to think you’re part of a cult.

 **DD:** goddamnit Danny this is why no one trusts you.

 **JB:** **[redacted]** wouldn’t marry a cult member, his head is on too straight.

 **DD:** who’s that, love? Is he cute? Is he available? Tell him I’m very handsome and dangerous.

 **JB:** hm.

 **DD:** hm.

 **JB:** okay I’m holding onto that. Stay healthy, y’all. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

 **SM:** No promises.

 **S2:** not in this house.

 **S3:** bye Falco-cap!

 **S4:** tell Cap-Cap that we’re routing for him, too!!

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : omg Cap-Cap.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : but no, tell Steven that me and Red are available for a threesome starting immediately post-shelter-order.

 **DD:** A twosome.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : oh. Why, Hornhead, I had no idea such feelings still burned in your heart for me.

 **DD:** just me and the knife I’m about to stab myself with if you KEEP TALKING SHIT, WADE.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> folks it is the time where people are getting restless and places are opening up. I get it. It sucks to still be sheltering, etc. But just remember that our dear friend Rona does not care that you need the great outdoors. Rona _loves_ that you crave the great outdoors. Be smarter than the virus and keep up your precautions is all I'm saying, use common sense and continue to social distance and wash your fucking hands please ❤


	12. what is friendship if not homicide?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **SM:** I fantasize nightly about holding your head in the shallows of a lake  
>  **HT:** omg **[redacted]** so kinky  
>  **DD:** I don’t know why I try to talk to the two of you together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enter: Johnny. 
> 
> HT = Human Torch

**S4:** morningggggg

 **S2:** morning! Guess who’s back to work, fending off customers??

 **S4:** is it you?

 **S2:** My coworker made me the cutest fucking mask

 **S4:** is it pink

 **S2:** do bears shit in the woods?

 **SM:** children

 **S2:** you’re back to work too aren’t you, spider-guy?

 **SM:** yes

 **S4:** oh serious

 **S2:** no, just multitasking

 **SM:** yes

 **S2:** everyone’s back to work in some way I think?

 **BT:** why are we texting at ass o’clock can texting please happen in 1 hr the old man is standing on the roof

 **S2:** he’s a rooster BT, that’s his job

 **BT:** no he’s hunting a rooster. its different and I’m tired

 **SM:** y’all shut up I’m doing shit. Recommence 2 hr. Bye.

**S4:** spidey’s serious today

 **S3:** he’s working on some important stuff for work

 **S4:** like?? ‘work’ or ‘’’work’’’?

 **S3:** not allowed to say friend, sorry.

 **S4:** because I’m baby or because Privacy?

 **S3:** 😊

 **S4:** is he flirting?

 **S3:** Bitsy

 **S4:** I’ve seen loads of videos of people flirting. I know what flirting looks like.

 **S3:** Hon

 **S4:** He’s allowed to have sex too. He’s old, it’s allowed, I’ll allow it.

 **S3:** I’m pretty sure he’s trying to complete two months-worth of backlogged paperwork in two days.

 **S4:** …

 **S4:** that’s not very sexy

 **S3:** no it is not. But it is very frustrating. Especially when you set foot back into work and you’re already running on a deadline. Not very fun.

 **S4:** Spidey come back I’m letting you do sexy things this one time

 **S3:** lol

 **S3:** don’t think he needs your permission for that, bub

 **S4:** ☹

 **S4:** He could. I could be the leader of this team.

 **S2:** pft

 **S4:** WOW

 **S4:** I was the leader last summer JUST FINE

 **S2:** pfffffft

 **S3:** be nice

 **S2:** kay

 **S4:** NO don’t listen to HIM. Listen to MEEEEEE

 **S2:** 😊

 **S3:** LS.

 **S2:** 😊 😊 😊

 **S4:** what

 **S2:** pft

 **S4:** SPIDEY SHE’S PICKING ON ME

 **SM:** what part of 2 hrs is hard for y’all?

 **S2:** sry

 **S3:** sorry

 **S4:** sorry

 **SM:** Chill. Stop picking. Stop fussing. Go pet a dog or build a nest or I dunno, watch a fucking movie. Just stop texting me.

 **S2:** 👍

 **S3:** will do

 **S4:** sorry

**S3:** Bitsy don’t feel bad he’s just focused. it’s not you

 **S2:** yeah we were just playin, it’s okay

 **S3:** aw

 **S2:** Spidey you made Bitsy feel bad come back and apologize

 **S3:** idk if that’s gonna happen today he’s **#focused**

 **S2:** what’s he doing? Trying to put his fist in his mouth again?

 **S3:** no he’s got too many teeth for that. Work

 **S2:** ew.

 **S3:** yeah I know.

 **S2:** I get it though

 **S3:** yeah same

 **S2:** this new normal’s weird

 **S3:** correct!

 **S2:** I am like, not-quarantined but everyone’s still telling me to self-isolate, but I’m like? I literally cannot? Like, essential workers aren’t just docs or nurses or whatever you know? My ass sitting on this register all day is still essential I guess.

 **S3:** sorry girl that’s frustrating

 **S2:** it’s okay! A paycheck’s a paycheck! Not much else I can do. Just gotta adjust and push forward. Anyways, it’s not like what I do is anything like what you and Spidey do.

 **S3:** that’s not true.

 **S2:** what lives am I improving at this till?

 **S3:** underpaid doesn’t mean unimportant.

 **S2:** I guess

 **SM:** okay I’m back what’s happened?

 **S3:** paperwork?

 **SM:** man the bullshit that is happening rn

 **SM:** my company is being asked to do 5000 things and we’ve only got half capacity to do a quarter of them at the moment. We’re trying to work out scheduling shifts to let folks come back in in rounds but how the fuck am I supposed to schedule people on when I don’t even know my own schedule?

 **S2:** ew a manager

 **SM:** yeah -2/10 don’t recommend. It’s not worth the money

 **S3:** you’re great at what you do spidey, don’t say that!

 **SM:** I mean, I’m mediocre at what most the job is and fucking great at the parts that actually matter so I guess it balances out

 **S2:** does anyone here like their job tho?

 **S2:** anyone? Anyone?

 **S3:** I would like to be in a different position within my company, but I don’t actively hate my job.

 **SM:** I have no strong feelings towards my job. I am loyal only to the people there.

 **S2:** ah. Same.

 **SM:** idk if I have the qualifications to move up tho.

 **S2:** fucking SAME

 **SM:** I’d need like, another degree or 10 years experience

 **S2:** Uuuuuugh

 **SM:** you’re gonna graduate. It’s gonna be fine.

 **S2:** the world is a void which exists only to suck soul energy

 **SM:** where’s bitsy?

 **S3:** his feelings are hurt from being scolded

 **SM:** ahhhhhhh

 **S2:** bitsy cares too much about your opinion of him

 **SM:** AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 **SM:** brb

 **S2:** Spiderman to the rescue!

 **S3:** Spiderman, spiderman, does whatever a spider can 🎶

 **BT:** I want a theme song

 **S2:** holy SHIT where did you come from??

 **BT:** Sensei has located the rooster and we have apologized to the neighbors two houses away.

 **S2:** that doesn’t answer my question

 **BT:** are we talking about jobs sucking?

 **S2:** …yes?

 **BT:** my job doesn’t suck. I’ve never been in this position before. I trust nothing and no one.

 **S3:** lol that’s the spirit

 **BT:** I wait every day for the situation to devolve into turmoil and every day it does not.

 **BT:** but one day.

 **BT:** one day the time will come.

 **S3:** don’t you work for DD?

 **BT:** yes

 **S3:** is he a bad boss?

 **BT:** define ‘bad’

 **S2:** does he double book you and then forget you have breaks and then keep calling you to ask you to come in for a shift you already said you can’t do?

 **BT:** pft no girl. I’ve moved up in the world. That was my last like idk 10 jobs? We’re rolling in style now 😎

 **S2:** so DD can read

 **BT:** p much yeah

 **S2:** amazing. I knew there were people out there in the world who could.

 **DD:** hello I am a boss

 **BT:** where’d you learn how to read?

 **DD:** orphanage.

 **S2:** well guys, this is it. We have to bring back orphanages.

 **DD:** Do recommend.

 **BT:** how do you teach a bad boss to be a better boss, Teach?

 **DD:** uuuuuuuuuh

 **DD:** make them? Be poor? For a while?

 **BT:** we can’t just make people be poor. It’s not ethical. And even then, a lot of the shit bosses I’ve had were poor anyways.

 **DD:** I got nothing for you.

 **S2:** DD’s advice for getting a better boss is becoming your own boss

 **DD:** oh I am not my own boss

 **S2:** no?

 **BT:** nah

 **DD:** Life Partner #2 is my boss

 **DD:** without her I am awash in a sea of case files

 **BT:** yeah p much. LP2 runs a tight ship

 **BT:** she’s an optimal boss. Sees my email for lateness and tells me not to puke in the office bathroom when I eventually get in. 10/10

 **DD:** solution?

 **BT:** I will not stop drinking.

 **DD:** perhaps stop finishing friends’ drinks?

 **BT:** Keep those ideas coming. We’ll find one that works eventually.

 **SM:** okay am back.

 **S4:** Spidey doesn’t hate me!!!

 **SM:** this was never a possibility

 **S3:** aw

 **S2:** awwwwwwww

 **DD:** you will hate the child on pain of death

 **SM:** Mr. Catholic.

 **DD:** upon pain of harsh punishment

 **SM:** God nods sagely upon you this day, Mr. Devil.

 **DD:** I know I caught a rooster this morning.

 **S2:** DD I am living purely for this story in this moment please tell us how and why you caught the rooster.

 **DD:** ?

 **DD:** no story

 **DD:** it makes a bad noise every morning. I caught it. Established dominance. End of story.

 **SM:** this is how most of your stories go, I’m noticing.

 **BT:** yeah except with Frank Castle.

 **DD:** I must go

 **S2:** you reminded him

 **BT:** on purpose even 😎

 **S4:** DD’s so nice!

 **BT:** 🔪

 **S4:** I’m allowed to say he’s nice.

 **BT:** 👁w👁

 **BT:** I suppose.

 **S4:** Spidey, BT hates me.

 **SM:** BT, I’ve already traumatized the kid today. And not even on purpose. He’s like twelve. Give him a break.

 **BT:** Oh sure.

 **S4:** …why do you only listen to Spidey?

 **BT:** I listen to everyone, friend. I have two whole ears.

 **S4:** you don’t listen to me.

 **BT:** I hear everything you say in HD.

 **BT:** 😊

 **S4:** **😥**

 **S2:** Oh shit

 **S2:** BT he doesn’t get it

 **BT:** ?

 **S2:** he’s an only child

 **BT:** oh right

 **S4:** 😰

 **BT:** my bad. I’ll use 🔫 from now on

 **S4:** how is that better?

 **SM:** idk what is happening rn

 **S2:** You and bitsy understand each other because you’re both only children

 **SM:** we’ve had this discussion a thousand times and nothing about my status has changed.

**DD:** HELLO.

 **S2:** !!

 **S3:** he’s back!

 **SM:** sup?

 **DD:** Johnny Storm?

 **SM:** Greatest tragedy of all time?

 **DD:** tell him to call me.

 **SM:** I will tell him to suffocate.

 **DD:** and to call me please.

 **SM:** I will tell him to call you and then suffocate.

 **S2:** I though you liked the Torch?

 **SM:** he’s fine

 **S4:** ?

 **S3:** help us out here, man. Like fine-fine or fine?

 **SM:** idk what you’re asking me

 **S3:** oh okay thanks that really helped clear things up

 **S2:** on a scale of 1 to 10, would fuck?

 **SM:** why would you ask me that? You are aware of my track record?

 **S2:** DD? Would fuck or no?

 **DD:** Child.

 **S2:** ??

 **SM:** he won’t touch anything my age or younger. Behold: actual limits on DD’s libido. A rare and precious thing.

 **S2:** Waddddddddddddddddddde

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : yes?

 **S2:** can you please translate Spidey’s opinions on the Torch?

 **SM:** I just said he’s fine. What is difficult about this?

 **S3:** you also said you’d tell him to suffocate? Hard to know if this is affectionate or not through text?

 **SM:** no I def want him to die. Actually I want to kill him.

 **SM:** Johnny if you’re reading this, don’t leave your bedroom window open ya freak

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : what’s unclear about this, small human?

 **S2:** uh

 **S2:** everything

 **BT:** OwO

 **BT:** I want to meet Johnny Storm.

 **SM:** UGH

 **S3:** (LS, I think maybe they’re friends?)

 **SM:** GOD everyone wants to meet Johnny Storm. Everyone. What’s he done that’s so impressive??

 **SM:** building a fucking car doesn’t count, asshole. Don’t even start with that.

 **S2:** (Spidey are you texting him now?)

 **SM:** why are you whispering? No. Obvs no. I deleted his number weeks ago.

 **S3:** (because of betrayal?)

 **SM:** no for real, why are we whispering? And not betrayal, I never trusted him to start with.

 **SM:** STOP JOHNNY. NO ONE THINKS YOURE CUTE.

 **S2:** the messages have never been more mixed, S3, idk what to do

 **BT:** Spidey, introduce me to Johnny Storm

 **BT:** I want to amass a pile of smart friends

 **SM:** he’s not smart

 **BT:** evidence suggests otherwise

 **SM:** he’s literally not smart. He lost his goggles the other day on his own fucking HEAD, JONATHAN WITH NO FUCKING H

 **SM:** god you can’t even spell your own fucking name who ARE YOU??

 **S2:** (legitimately cannot tell if Spidey is having a bad work day or hates the F4. HELP)

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : (ride or die with Johnny Storm)

 **SM:** UGH

 **S2:** (oh thank god)

 **SM:** I hate him so much. TEXT ME BACK CANDLE STICK

 **S3:** um?

 **SM:** sorry I’m over it. he’s dead to me.

 **S2:** …are you sure?

 **SM:** positive

 **S2:** I don’t believe you

 **SM:** **sigh**

 **BT:** quick, someone send me Johnny Storm’s number.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : your teacher has it in his phone. At least Richards’s if no one else’s.

 **BT:** !!!!

 **BT:** brb.

 **SM:** uuuuuuugh. I’m going back to paperwork hell. Peace, drugs, and alcohol, y’all.

 **S2:** that’s not a saying, spidey

**S3:** Okay, no. Spidey’s Mega-Grumpy today

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Storm will cheer him up

 **S3:** are you sure?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : red and I tried to keep them separate for 5 years

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : yes, I’m sure

 **S2:** why?

 **DD:** insufferable together

 **S3:** ? really?

 **S4:** Mr. Storm seems nice! His twitter’s full of dogs!

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : lol

 **DD:** aw

**BT:** hi hello welcome. Please make yourself at home.

 **HT:** oh thanks I heard folks get booted out of this at the drop of a hat?

 **BT:** we will protect you.

**[HT has been removed from the chat]**

**S2:** well that took no time at all

 **SM:** GET BENT ASSHOLE

 **S2:** literally no time at all

**[HT has been added to the chat]**

**HT:** aw, thanks friend. What’s your name again?

 **BT:** blindspot

 **SM:** UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh

 **HT:** Omg Spidey so.

 **SM:** SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

 **HT:** I call her right?

 **SM:** WADE

 **HT:** and she says to me ‘we already talked about this’

 **SM:** wade help I’m being assaulted

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : no can do sugar. You picked him over us

 **SM:** I regret it I’m sorry I was so young and so stupid

 **HT:** I tell her, ‘I totally get that, and you can ignore me at any moment. But you know that wine bottle I gave you?’

 **SM:** stop I’m begging you I can’t hear any more of this

 **HT:** and she was like

 **SM:** I’m gonna lay down

 **HT:** yeah

 **HT:** and I was like

 **SM:** so

 **HT:** so

 **SM:** I fucked up

 **HT:** I fucked up

 **SM:** it’s not a wine bottle. It’s an intergalactic war crime. Jonathan I’m begging you

 **HT:** it’s not a wine bottle, it’s an intergalactic war crime. So can I please have it back? And you know what she was like?

 **SM:** she was like I drank it

 **HT:** SHE WAS LIKE I DRANK IT

 **S2:** omg

 **S3:** this is incredible

 **S4:** wow. Same brain to the next level

 **HT:** Spidey you’re truly my soulmate do you know that?

 **SM:** someone stab me

 **HT:** I love you so much I missed you so much when you were upstate

 **SM:** god take me back

 **HT:** I kept thinking ‘man, what if he likes it up there and decides to stay. What if my best friend never comes home? What if we’re Cap and Bucky and we’ve always been meant to be?’

 **SM:** wh

 **SM:** what words are you saying right now?

 **SM:** I’m not your best friend I hate you

 **SM:** Furthermore

 **SM:** Barnes didn’t never come home??? He’s literally home right now?

 **SM:** Sarge come here. I know you’re awake. Tell this idiot you’re alive.

 **HT:** Omg you’ve got Bucky Barnes on speed dial??

 **SM:** this is the twenty-first century Johnny everyone’s on speed dial

 **JB:** someone rang?

 **HT:** ASDJFSKD:FJ

 **HT:** **[redacted]** ITS BUCKY BARNES

 **SM:** I’m so tired

 **HT:** OMG

 **JB:** who are you?

 **HT:** AADFPSJDF **[redacted]** HE’S TALKING TO ME

 **S2:** this is going nothing like how I thought it would go, guys

 **S3:** same

 **S4:** it’s kind of cute?

 **HT:** Mr Barnes I just want to say you’re an inspiration to me and thank you so much for your service and you’re just so cool and

 **SM:** this is embarrassing

 **JB:** did y’all clone a new friend?

 **HT:** OMG **[redacted]** HE THINKS WE’RE CLONES

 **SM:** Johnny Im gonna tell to stop saying my goddamn name one more time and then I’m going to break this window and haul ass to break YOUR window

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : young love

 **JB:** woah this is a very different version of the Spiderkid than what I’m used to

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : yeah say hello to baby crush no. 1002

 **HT:** **[redacted]** YOU HAD A CRUSH ON ME??? Omg how embarrassing for you. tho totally understandable, I get it I’m beautiful and charming. Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone else

 **SM:** …

 **HT:** OwO

 **SM:** Jonathan with no H.

 **HT:** yes?

 **SM:** you had a gay panic in my lap 10 years ago while I did college apps at 2am. You cried into my abs for hours about how much you wanted to be held by a bear.

 **HT:** owo

 **SM:** how would you like to proceed from here?

 **HT:** I would not

 **S2:** oh my god

 **S3:** BT this was the best idea you’ve had in weeks

 **BT:** thanks

 **HT:** **[redacted] _,_** how could you do me like this in front of Mr. Barnes?

 **SM:** IM BREAKING YOUR WINDOW

 **HT:** COME AT ME BRO

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : years, I’ve dealt with this, Wolfman. Years.

 **JB:** this makes me feel old

 **SM:** fuck this I’m calling your sister

 **HT:** I WILL DO ANYTHING YOU WANT RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW NAME IT

 **SM:** DIE ALREADY THEN

 **S2:** guys

 **S3:** it’s like they don’t even know we’re here.

 **S4:** I want a friend like this!!

 **BT:** same

 **DD:** oh torch is here.

 **HT:** Hey!!!! DD!!! How are you??

 **DD:** …much punctuation. Is this necessary?

 **HT:** yes

 **DD:** thank you for refraining.

 **HT:** kay

 **SM:** god

 **HT:** Shhh, DD’s talking. Have some respect.

 **SM:** I fantasize nightly about holding your head in the shallows of a lake

 **HT:** omg **[redacted]** so kinky

 **DD:** I don’t know why I try to talk to the two of you together

 **HT:** OH. You wanted to talk about the Thing. Right. So. A) Not my fault. B) Reed told me not to talk to anyone about it, so sorry I can’t help QAQ

 **DD:** What is QAQ?

 **BT:** emoji face

 **DD:** How?

 **BT:** it cries

 **HT:** it’s adorable. I love emojis. You know who doesn’t?

 **SM:** Hey Sue, it’s me, spiderman. Remember how your brush went missing six years ago? The purple one?

 **HT:** no one doesn’t like emojis I’m sorry I misled you

 **BT:** this is amazing.

 **BT:** how much blackmail do you two have on each other?

 **JB:** l’m leaving friends. I have locks to pick.

 **HT:** EVERYONE SHUT UP

 **HT:** Mr. Barnes

 **SM:** You mean Sergeant

 **HT:** I can’t spell that word

 **HT:** anyways. Mr. Barnes. I just really wanted to let you know that we, myself and my team, have the upmost respect for you and what you’ve done and the new leaf you’ve turned. So if you or Cap or the new Cap need anything please don’t hesitate to reach out to us. We would be honored to support you in whatever endeavors you might require assistance in.

 **JB:** oh

 **JB:** uh

 **JB:** I’ll keep that in mind?

 **SM:** suck up

 **HT:** ASDJFK:JSDF SHUT UP

 **SM:** disgusting.

 **JB:** still not clear who you are tho, pal?

 **HT:** I

 **SM:** HA

 **HT:** Human Torch? HT? Human Torch? Q__Q

 **JB:** Torch?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : fantastic four

 **JB:** oh shit right the blue suits

 **HT:** I’m going to cry

 **SM:** awwwwww

 **SM:** baby got called a blue suit

 **SM:** baby didn’t get recognized straight away aww

 **SM:** you deserve it

 **JB:** There’s the stretchy one, the blocky one, and the invisi-gal, no?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : that’s three

 **JB:** oh shit

 **SM:** akdsf;sdkfjsdf

 **HT:** I

 **HT:** this is the worst day of my life

 **SM:** I can make it worse

 **HT:** please do. Come over so I can cry on your dick

 **SM:** there are fucking CHILDREN present Jonathan

 **HT:** I see no kids. Only loneliness with no end in every direction. Come let me cushion my head on those thighs. I need it

 **SM:** you ain’t touching them

 **HT:** so pillowy ❤

 **HT:** so soft ❤

 **JB:** oh wait the fire one

 **HT:** YES

 **SM:** damn

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : yeah. You remember how the statue of liberty kept lighting up all over the damn place a while back?

 **JB:** no shit, that was you, kiddo?

 **HT:** (Bucky Barnes just called me ‘kiddo’ Spidey. Get on my level.)

 **SM:** (Sarge calls me a fuckhead once a month, Flamebrain, get on **my** level)

 **S2:** hey Mr. Storm I have a question for you

 **HT:** oh who’s this?

 **SM:** no one

 **HT:** wait are these your copy friends? Is this your team-team?

 **SM:** I have no friends or team. I work alone.

 **DD:** team chat yes. There is a minor present.

 **HT:** I

 **HT:** what

 **SM:** oh yeah

 **SM:** I forgot to tell you

 **SM:** I have located a mentee

 **HT:** …

 **HT:** hi mentee, can you raise your hand?

 **S4:** 🖐🏾

 **HT:** your ass is grass

 **SM:** JOHNNY

 **HT:** what????

 **SM:** baby. Be kind. Put on the kind mask

 **S4:** scary…

 **BT:** Back off friend, only mine to bully 😊

 **HT:** Spidey can’t have a mentee he’s too stupid and reckless so really I’m just saving you from a horrible death ❤

 **SM:** you’re so flagrantly jealous stop

 **HT:** you can’t have other friends, Spidey. WE’RE friends already, remember? I can be everything you need.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : and the crush re-arises.

 **HT:** HES NOT MY CRUSH

 **SM:** oh my god johnny why didn’t you say anything???

 **S2:** wow you seriously can’t have a conversation with them

 **S3:** pretty interesting actually

 **HT:** I hate you!!

 **SM:** come lay your head on these thighs. See how long that lasts

 **HT:** …is that a promise?

 **SM:** no. Social distance thyself, heathen

 **DD:** boys

 **DD:** take it down to a 6 before I renegade on my promise to the lord and kill you both.

 **HT:** yessir

 **SM:** yessir

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : Torchy. Call me ‘sir.’

 **HT:** who are you, my dad? Fuck off.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : aASDJF:SDJFsdf

 **JB:** lol. Sorry, Wilson. It’s just not going to happen. I’m peacing out, y’all.

 **S3:** byeeee

 **S2:** bye!

 **S4:** bye!!!

 **HT:** bye!!

 **SM:** yo. Johnny with no H

 **HT:** Yea, Spidey with no hyphen?

 **SM:** …I’m leaving that

 **HT:** Are you? It doesn’t bother you at all?

 **SM:** I said I’m leaving it

 **S2:** omg Spidey, did you want a hyphen?

 **SM:** it doesn’t matter. It’s faster to type it without. It’s not IMPORTANT. JOHNNY.

 **HT:** yes, dear?

 **SM:** come over.

 **HT:** social distancing

 **SM:** I got the all clear from the doc. Incinerate all the cells on you and then come over

 **HT:** why

 **SM:** stressed.

 **HT:** routine disrupted, aunt abandoned, home alone, mountain of responsibilities?

 **SM:** yes.

 **HT:** k I’m on my way. Can I bring my computer?

 **SM:** yeah of course. thanks I love you

 **HT:** np love you too be there soon! ❤

**S2:** what just happened?

 **S3:** …friendship?

 **S4:** I want a friend like that

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : you really don’t, kiddo. Bad for health.

 **S4:** good for happiness. You have a friend like that, don’t you Wade?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : uhhhhh

 **S2:** Nate?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : oh. Yeah, actually. A few I guess.

 **S4:** how do I find one? My friends are all just nice.

 **S2:** I’m your evil friend, Bitsy

 **S4:** yeah, but you’re too old. Spidey and Torch are like the same age, aren’t they?

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : yeah I think they’re about a month apart

 **DD:** horrible for that month

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : yeah, they’re the absolute worst for those 30 days

 **S2:** you know what’s the actual worst for this 30 days?

 **S3:** life?

 **S2:** life

 **S4:** life.

 **BT:** Life UwU

 **DD:** you guys, it’s going to be okay. We’ve lived through much worse, much harder bullshit than this.

 **S2:** yeah, I guess. Still sucks though.

 **S3:** big sigh

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : ehn. It’ll be over before you know it. Shit’s moving fast. Just keep on keeping on and we’ll be on the other side of it soon enough.

 **DD:** please take it from us olds.

 **S4:** okay will do.

 **S2:** thanks Olds.

 **S3:** 😊 Thanks olds.

 **DD:** is this the last chat that’s going up?

 **S2:** hmm? Oh. Yeah it is!

 **DD:** Very good. Okay, so. Wade, I’ve been meaning to tell you something, sir.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : what

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : wait

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : OH MY GOD

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : did you just call me???

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : REDTHEW. You devil you. You precious little shit.

 **DD:** don’t get used to it.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : ehehehehehe

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : k

 **DD:** stay safe everyone. From our team to yours.

 **DP (´** **｡** **✪ω** **✪** **｡´)** : stay safe!!

 **S2:** yeah!

 **S3:** ^^

 **BT:** ^^^^

 **S4:** Dave and Spidey say stay safe too!! We love you guys! We’re gonna get through this all! Please keep social distancing and washing your hands and doing what you can to support local businesses and each other and before you know it, we’ll be on the other side of things.

\---

**Blindspot** : this is the last chat in this series everyone. Hope it brings you joy. We had fun doing it, but man, y’all don’t need to know any more of our personal lives. **Link**

 **Little Spidey (Pink):** last chat for now, friends! Have a look to see Spidey and the Human Torch’s idea of friendship. Everyone please continue to stay safe and be kind to your local essential workers! **Link**

 **Spiderman 4.0** : We had so much fun doing these with you guys! Thanks so much for reading along with us. We hope they made you laugh or at least feel a little less alone. Bye until next time! **Link **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and we're done!
> 
> Thank you to everyone who's read and commented!! I really appreciate the support, it always helps in getting out chapters and bringing these bigger pieces to a close. 
> 
> I hope you're all doing okay and staying safe. Please remember that even though things are uncomfortable and scary and isolating, this won't be for forever and everything you do to protect yourself is helping protect others, so please keep social distancing and being careful with hygiene and respectful towards essential workers and to the people around you as people slowly start to transition into this new phase of pandemic life. 
> 
> I hope y'all know that you aren't alone, even as isolating as this period of our lifetime might feel for you and I wish you and your families all health and kindness. 
> 
> So peace for now, y'all. 
> 
> **Note:** This fic will be moving out of the **Inimitable Series** in about a week. It is not canon to the larger verse and will be turned into an 'inspired by' fic. So if you want to bookmark it individually so it's easier to find later, I would do that within the next week or so ❤

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [I did NOT fucking sign up for this](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23966710) by [wannabe_someone](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wannabe_someone/pseuds/wannabe_someone)




End file.
